I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Camber, Caster, and Toe; or Mary, Jon, and Pearl In Close Quarters

I have paint on my knuckles.

“That’s a lovely color,” Mary says.  “It imparts a certain, I dunno, je ne sais quoi.”

“It’s Tradewinds,” I say.  “My bathroom now says ‘come in, relax, be on the look-out for buccaneers’.”

Mary mock-frowns at me.  “Heeeeey,” she says.  “We don’t talk that way here.”

Jon stands, arches his back, pointing his chin at the ceiling.  The tile around the tub is done.  Only the grout to go.

“Isn’t that right, honey?  We don’t talk like that.”

Jon stares at her.  The room is seven feet by eight feet.  There are three people working in it.  He has managed to tune us out completely. 

“Buccaneer?” she prompts. 

Jon rolls his eyes, shakes his head.

Mary’s eyes glitter with glee.  “Remember the twins, honey?”

Jon sighs.  Mary is, at times, his cross to bear.

Mary has no children that I know of.

I grin at her.  “Which twins now?” 

“Oh, Jon and I, you know.  If we’d had twins 10 years ago, they’d be what today?  Honey?  How old would our twins be now?”

Jon groans.

Camber and Caster,” she goes on.  Her voice has taken on a dreamy tone.  “Mischievous little buggers,” she says.  “God love ‘em, they do keep me busy.”

“Heh, heh,” Jon chuckles.  “They’re probably blondes, huh, Mare?  Tow heads.   Get it, Mary?  Camber, Caster, and Toe.”

“Regular little brawlers,” she says affectionately.

“You guys are talking in code again,” I grumble.  “Are these racing terms?”

Mary nods sagely, places a knowing index finger alongside her nose. “If Michael Jackson can have a kid named Blanket, I can name the kids after the major alignment parameters on a car.  Isn’t that right, Jon?”

Jon’s had enough.  He winks at me.  “Simmer down now, Mary.”

Mary cackles, heads into the kitchen and returns momentarily with a broom.  I step out of her way.

“You know how it is, though, Pearl,” she says, a broad grin on her face.  She sweeps the last of the room-renovation detritus into a tidy pile.  “Gah but I love the wee tykes.”


Delores said...

Imaginary children are the best. They can do no wrong (unless you want them to).

Silliyak said...

If you post this again in the future, it will be a retread!

Sioux said...

And Camber and Caster will NEVER wrap Mary's car around a tree, and they'll never need a college fund started for them.

Ideal kids, it sounds like.

vanilla said...

Very funny. Yet all joking aside, the Castor kids were students of mine, and I know a girl named Camber. What? I kid you not.

ThreeOldKeys said...

hmmmm... my son spent a summer cambering I-beams. so I figgered your post would be a warehouse tale, involving wheels and a painful foot injury.

I much prefer the imaginary twins in a crowded pirate bathroom.

jenny_o said...

Some days I wish our cats were imaginary. Especially on a three-hairball-day.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Ah - twins and buccaneers and Mary and Jon. Only you could put them all together and make it work, Pearlie. :)

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Double trouble, imaginary or not... Hope those wristies are bettering themselves. &*> YAM xx

fishducky said...

My kids & my husband are all imaginary, but I don't mind because I am, too!!

Elephant's Child said...

Sometimes I wish most of the people I know were imaginary. I would settle for imaginary hair-balls too. Keep the cats, ditch the digestive issues. Their issues become mine too fast.

Gigi said...

Perfect children - those imaginary ones. Always quiet, never any trouble.

Launna said...

Imaginary children are the way to go for people faint at heart... lol

Even the best of children can try your real patience... :)

Happy New Year Pearl :)

Daisy said...

I believe your friend Mary has a very creative imagination! It sounds like it serves her well. :D

Happy New Year, Pearl!

Daisy said...

Happy New Year Pearl, and I'm glad to know that someone else has a bathroom as small as mine. Actually, I think yours is a wee bit bigger!
Daisy's Barbara

Diane Tolley said...

Amazing what crops up when three people are trapped in a tiny little bathroom. Ahem . . .

River said...

Imaginary wee tykes can be fun, but they'll never wrap their little arms around your neck and say I wuv you mummy.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Oh yeah I think Imaginary children are awesome you can just tune them out or pretend they're not there when they are annoying......lol

Jennifer A. Jilks said...

I enjoy your writing!
Cheers from Cottage Country Ontario , ON, Canada!