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Sunday, October 20, 2013

Is That A Goat at the Back of My Closet?


The closet is revolting - and I don’t mean that it’s risen up and started to demand representation in the American Federation of Duplexes and Second Story Room Association.

Hangers! Where in the world did I get all these hangers? Why do they jostle each other so? And those in the back – are they? – what do you? – are those things mating back there?!

Perhaps now is the time we back up and explain that my turn-of-the-century house (that being the turn of the last century), has limited closet space. And we use the word “limited” here in its most basic sense. “Limited” as in “Are you sure you need more than four skirts?” “Limited” as in “You’re going to hang those pants? What are you, rich?”

Roughly four feet wide and several thousand miles deep, the people who built the house in 1904 had few clothes but apparently stored narrow farm implements in the closet. Or slept in there. Who am I to say?

The closet is foremost in my mind today for one reason and one reason only:

Pantsalanche.

This is what happens when you lose your cool, yank at any number of hanging items in your closet, and are rewarded with a Universal-Studios-like experience.

Pantsalanche.

If you have a dog accustomed to bringing small kegs of alcoholic beverages to the trapped, send him to Minneapolis.

I’ll be in my closet for the rest of the day.

24 comments:

Rene Foran said...

Just wait...and prepare ye for The Blousekrieg

Me-Me King said...

Maybe you should invest in an elliptical bike, I hear they are great for hanging clothes on.

wellfedfred said...

The east end of my coat closet is about 2 feet wide and 6 feet long. I thought it would work for out-of-season stuff, so I invested a small fortune in different kinds of 5-at-a-time hangers - for pants, shirts, skirts. Not a good idea. Really not a good idea, not least because with climate change it's difficult to tell what's going to be in or out of season any given Monday morning. I've abandoned that territory and its pitiful contents, but I still hear a cynical Marine I may have once loved muttering "seal the borders, leave the guns," when I grab a jacket on a gray day.

Marsha Young said...

Here's a thought - maybe the darned goat will eat his/her way to the front of the closet - thereby leaving you a clear path to the back of the closet. ... See? It all works out.

Patricia said...

EVERYONE knows that if you don't put a light in your closet then of course your hangers will procreate.

Sioux said...

Take some food in there with you. And how 'bout those felines of yours? Couldn't they help? (Perhaps if they DID help you, you could post about it? Pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top?)

Joanne Noragon said...

Can't be in the water; must be in the air. Emily is turning out the exact same closet in her room. There is a mound on the floor destined for a ride in the back of my car. And this house was built in 1940! I understand the man who built it was so minimalist he used newspapers for window coverings.

Alistair Robertson said...

Hopefully it's a fur goat Peggy.

Nice one.

fishducky said...

I have a HUGE closet & it's crammed full with the 3 things that fit me & everything else!!

jenny_o said...

Like fishducky I have a huge closet. The problem with a huge closet is that stuff gets ... stuffed ... in there, until you really don't have any more room than in a little closet. My kids used to be horrified if I put something of theirs in our closet temporarily, because they knew they'd never see it again. It's the Bermuda Triangle of our house.

Clean it out, you say? Listen, I've been trying. Since 2009.

Delores said...

You should see my closet if you are looking for impossibly shaped and sized receptacles of clothing..no...maybe you shouldn't.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Pantsalanche...hahahaha. Blousequake, shoenami, accessornado...this is so fun!!!

bill lisleman said...

hanger sex - could be a new blog opportunity
I know our strings of Christmas lights will mate if I am not careful in storing them.

diamondc said...

And I thought I was the only one with sick minded coat hangers, how on earth are we to live with them all stuck together and not wanting to let go.
On my way to work last week are you the lady giving a fist to the bus that just pulled away from the curb, just asking giggles.
Found your blog on Up For A Challenge 15, now I am a follower.
Catherine

Elephant's Child said...

The hangers procreate - and the closets have cloned themselves. And the clothes that fit flatly refuse to reproduce. Sigh.

Daisy said...

Hang on, Pearl! I'm sending my little dog Max in to the rescue. Of course, he's a toy poodle and is very small, so he won't be able to bring you much.

HermanTurnip said...

Instead of a shark, I think Universal should hurtle hampers of warm laundry at visitors as they slowly drive by. After all, who doesn't love clothing warm from the dryer? Mmmmmm.

Leenie said...

I'm with Me-Me King. Elliptical bikes are great for hanging clothes. Everybody has some kind of exercise equipment just for that purpose.

Suldog said...

I hang my clothes on the frame of an old futon we were going to toss out about ten years ago but which cast an evil spell on us to make us keep it in the bedroom forever. "Hang" is a euphemism for "toss with good intentions."

River said...

Pantsalanche!! what a great word! I'm going to use that somewhere, someday.
I think people who design houses should go back to architecture school and learn to allow space for larger closets. Perhaps if the houses were designed by women, we might stand a chance. I decided to hang my pants to make more room in my drawers, of course then the closet was too crowded and I had to put all the t-shirts in the drawers. Now I still don't have enough room. I want a whole extra closet, so I can separate summer from winter. or a hall closet for my heavy jackets. Of course, I'd need a hall for that...

Rose L said...

My hangars do a lot of mating in the depths of the closet, and they also have eaten shoes, leaving one alone to grieve.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
...just letting you know I am still here...under all the boxxxesfalll of intercontinental shifting... It was my decision, now am paying for it.

....and where does a gal have to go to get a decent internet connection? huh? huh? HUH??????

My sympathies to the goat. YAM xx

Eva Gallant said...

Is that Liza Bean I see with a small keg under her chin?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

So I am not the only person who's closet looks like it belongs in a scary movie