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Monday, October 28, 2013

Cow Patty Bingo; or A Possible Sign of a Gambling Problem

I didn't post Saturday or Sunday -- the first such occurrence in five and-a-half years.  My apologies, if you came here looking for me.  Frankly, I'm having a hard time lately and may be giving up on the daily-postings...  If you have an opinion on this, please let me know it.


There are days when I swear I can write about anything.

And there are days when maybe I shouldn’t.

Take today, for example, and how I've been thinking about cow manure.

I’ll bet you don’t think about it much, do you?

Wait – maybe you do. What the heck do I know?

I think about it. I’m not ashamed. As a matter of fact, manure is tops on my list of odd things I enjoy the smell of.

Wait! Where are you going?! Don’t judge me!

I like the smell of manure, honestly. Takes me back to my grandparents’ farm. Manure, Lava soap, and Old Spice: the smell of rural Minnesota in the 60s. The smell of hard work and my grandpa.

But did you know you can do so much more with manure than just smell it?

Take, for instance, Cow Patty Bingo.

What? You’ve never been? Oh, my dear, how do you get by?

Read on, my friend, at your own discretion.




Tired of gambling via cards and lottery tickets? Why not employ two of mid-America’s favorite things: cow manure and bingo?

It’s easy!

You’re going to need to section off a good part of, say, a parking lot. Mark it just like a Bingo card. Then get yourself a cow.

Maybe you could borrow one from a friend?

Next, round up those of your friends that a.) have extra money, b.) believe they have extra money, or c.) have a gambling problem. How much of the rent money you put on it is up to you, but I’ve always had good experiences with Jerseys, so if the cow is a Jersey, I say you throw it all in and see what happens…

Maneuver said cow into center of the Bingo square. (You’ll want to fence this in – both to keep the cow them from wandering off and to prevent the highly illegal but much-attempted bovine manipulation.)

And now? Relax. Give the cow a little something to eat and wait for nature to take its course.

Oh, the excitement! Where will the cow patty land? Grab your lawn chair, crack a beer, and wait for the pay-off. With any luck, the plop will land on your square.

Ka-ching!

Think of the bragging rights!

43 comments:

Gary Baker said...

Your are, of course, quite delightfully mad. :)

Camille said...

Witnessed Chicken Bingo in Belize several years ago. Same idea - smaller scale. The good news? It did not take long for the bird to 'poop'. The bad news? (For the fowl at least) was that it was taken away, dispatched, made into stew and served on rice. Delicioso. Easy come - easy go.

I've often wondered how you've managed to post seven days a week. I'll miss the weekend updates but but will rest easier knowing our Pearl is taking a little more time for herself. xxoxox

Shelly said...

Personally, I would very much miss my daily dose of Pearl. However, I know how much work it is to post on a daily basis, so I'll support you in whatever you do.

And I know more about the manure thing than I care to admit. Just this morning, whilst on my way to the gym, I noticed some of the stuff on my shoe. And Angus seem to give the most abundant and aromatic errrr...patty.

Me-Me King said...

I grew up with those same smells in rural Arkansas. You brought back some mighty pleasant memories, thank you.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

This is big in my neck of the woods. Almost as high stakes as the Friday night Catholic games.

vanilla said...

Bingo? Count me out. Pearl, Why You Little. . . count me in. I believe you should post as you wish. If daily is no longer your thing, then be assured that I will be here whenever you choose to post. Miss you on the days you miss? Certainly, but it isn't a job. Keep it fun!

Pearl said...

Thank you, everyone. I guess I'm really starting to feel the pressure, and before I go all conflict-avoidant on everyone and just disappear, I think I need to cut back...

Silliyak said...

Gotta take care of #1, and I'm NOT speaking of one's bodily functions although that would fit in nicely here. We should be low on your list unless you need the constant reassurance that you're an attractive, excellent writer. I was a little worried that you had been catnipped and catnapped and were without bail or credit.
I live in a town surrounded by dairys, and this time of year, just before the rains, they spread accumulated manure on the fields. But hey we got (or had) Johny Gomes!

jenny_o said...

Confucious say: It is wise blogger who posts on personal best schedule.

What? He could have said it.

You should not make your writing such a chore that you begin to resent it. It's not good for your writing and, more importantly, it's not good for you. Communication is good, though. I worry about you when you're unexpectedly not here on the weekend!

One question on the cow patty bingo. Who has to clean up the bingo card?

Delores said...

When times are hard writing about it helps....you don't have to be entertaining and upbeat all the time...we share things here you know. That said....sometimes a blog holiday is a good thing. You do what you need to do girl.

fishducky said...

Daily for 5 1/2 years--AMAZING!! I've been posting 3 times a week for a little over a year & I'm afraid I'm running out of ideas. Cut back, Pearl, BUT DON'T STOP--too many people would miss you!!

Jocelyn said...

You should blog when and how you can. If it's a "must keep to schedule" thing, then it's no fun for you. Don't worry that your audience will fall away if you don't keep up a steady momentum. We all are devoted as hell.

Slick said...

Posting should be fun and not a chore. When it feels like an obligation, it's time to step back for yourself.

They played that once here at the country club for charity. Someone said it was undignified *sniff* and that was the end of Cow Patty Bingo.

Ray Denzel said...

I used to post a lot and now I am doing one or two a week, not that I have less to say, but dangnabit,, sometimes I am just too tired!

Daisy said...

I would miss a daily post, but I understand completely. Sometimes, nothing "perks", or a person just needs a rest. Or maybe the writer is out collecting manure! I do - horse, cow, chicken, and now I'm looking at the bear pooh laying about. Bunny pooh is the best tho. Doesn't burn any plants. But I digress...

bill lisleman said...

I've wondered how you could post daily. I have only been able to achieve that over short periods of less than a month. I might end up reading more of your posts if they are only 3-4 a week. Most everyone will skip a yesterday old post.
I have memories of Old Spice.
Outdoor games are more fun but I would stick to horse or dog races.

Geo. said...

"If you have an opinion on this..."

When I have a hard time, I tend to lapse into alert silence. If you need to do that, do it. We need all kinds of lerts --and I shall look forward to the pleasure of your renewed company, how ever you modify its output and transmissions. You're a favorite, Pearl. Always will be.

fmcgmccllc said...

It is only worth it if it is bringing you joy. Now on the other hand, Cow Patty Bingo is something even I have heard of. Hubs won the jackpot once at the corner store in New Hampshire. Don't know what kinda cow, will have to ask.

Elephant's Child said...

You need to do whatever is right for you.
And if this means weaning some of us from our addiction to your posts - so beit.
And cow patty bingo is a less 'exciting use' than the ones my brothers employed. Place a large firecracker in a fresh(ish) deposit, light it and step back. Bonus points for splattering your sister.

Susan Kane said...

You should participate in the Cow Patty Throw contest somewhere in the prairie states. I bet you could nail the prize, which may even something carved out of cow manure.

Esme Weatherwax said...

I refresh this page every day, but if it means you get a better balance I'll happily delay gratification. Hope it means that the next time some dude asks "How you doin' beautiful?" you'll be free to smile and let your heart soar.

On the subject of animal output, when I was little, the shippon had the BEST warm smell full of contented herbivores. Our cows were bambi-eyed Jerseys who loved to lick my anorak as mum hand-milked them.

Also, I wear lippy to pick up horse manure in the stables. A bit of lip goes a long way to creating a good vibe, I agree. My Shire horse's bedding smells sweet and healthy because he wees outside in return for a ginger biscuit. Sometimes he goes to his pee patch in the yard, forces out a meagre dribble then wanders to where I am with 'hopeful face'. I'm so grateful that he tries to cooperate he usually wins me over...his bezzie pal, the little recalcitrant Welsh bugger will not be bribed and let's go full flood, clean bed be darned. Still gives it world class adorable 'hopeful face' but has less success than my big cuddly babe!

Anyway, stay well Pearly girl, there's oodles of us just glad to share whatever/whenever you care to, cos you're just so lovely to be around :) xxx

joeh said...

If you cut back on your posts, I'm am going to send you less money...oh wait...I guess you could miss a day or two.

I try and post everyday, but then I'm retired so...plus one post is a headline thing that takes no time and no thinking, one post is a re-run, and Saturday is an opinion thing, and I got lots of opinions so I really only come up with 4 news things a week.

5 years!!!Damn, that's a lot.

Linda O'Connell said...

Pearl, please don't go. I look so forward to your wonderful and witty and sometimes warped posts and obervations. Take a respite, curl up with a book and a little cow plop, anything that induces relaxation. Every day is too much for anyone. Slow down, woman. Take care of you.

Gigi said...

Sweetie, as much as I LOVE to see your posts (new or re-worked) pop up in the dashboard I'd much rather you enjoy what you are doing. So if that means cutting back then I'm behind you all the way.

Blogging is supposed to be fun. If it becomes more of an obligation then what's the point?

Jayne Martin said...

OMFG! I know of which you speak, my friend. We have a Cow Chip Bingo event every year here on the high school football field. When I first left L.A. to come live in the country, an L.A. friend commented about how I would be so bored. I sent him a poster with a cartoon cow crapping into a gold pot for the event with a note that said: "And you thought I would be bored."

As for not posting every day, I don't know how you've done it this long. Do whatever is right for you, Pearl. I don't always leave comments, but I always do my best to drop by and I'll continue to stalk you throughout the blogosphere, my uber talented friend.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
..and 'echo echo'...

It's your blog, you can do what you want to.

You're on my alarm list so whenever you appear I know about it. This means, you might go, but I won't.

So there.

&*> YA((((((( U )))))))M xoxoxxoxox

HermanTurnip said...

You, my friend, and brutally honest. Manure? That's a brave, bold statement. Well, I myself am partial to the smell of motorcycle exhaust, and the scent of skunk doesn't really offend my olfactories. But, to each his own, I guess. Heh...

sage said...

Save me a beer... I don't know how you keep writing day after day--I once posted 3x a week, then 1x a week, now whenever. it's a slippery slope...

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Blogging seven days a week is quite a task and when it becomes difficult, it becomes a job. Hey, even The Lord rested.

We would all miss your daily posts, but if you need time to smell the manure or go to Bingo parties, or as you described, do both at the same time, go and enjoy - just don't leave us altogether. We are addicted to Pearl posts.

Kymbo Whitford said...

Youre a sick woman Pearl...thats why I like you..

River said...

Mark off a section of a parking lot? I think several thousand people desperately searching for a parking space might have something to say about that.
So did you win?
Did the cow oblige?

River said...

P.S. I'm echoing all the others. Post less, take time off, get rested, refreshed, whatever it takes. We'll be here whenever you pop in.

HOOTIN ANNI said...

I am rolling!!! [and NOT in the parking lot]

I can't wait to see who yells BINGO first, and wins.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Even Shakespeare took time off, I'm assuming. To play cow patty bingo and get drunk with his cats. Or was that Hemingway? Either way, when you post, I'll be here. God willing.

jeanie said...

And what are you going to do if I say NO you cannot slow down, woman, I DEMAND my daily Pearl?

Yeah, quaking over here that I just laid the final straw, darl. What are you going to do - reach right through the internet and rattle me?

Do what is right for you - I get a little email when your story comes up so although I may not smile as often, as long as you are out there in the internet I WILL smile.

As for Cow Pat Bingo - a few rules to take note of - do NOT make the bingo board small, hot and surrounded by people for some lone little cow - she may not do a bowel movement all fete...

Mitchell is Moving said...

I've never been much for the scent of cow manure. When I was at university, I had a friend who grew up on a farm. Her favorite thing to do was to sit on the porch on a summer day and smell the manure blowing in on the breeze.

I love the idea of cow patty bingo. The high school where we lived in Connecticut had a fund-raiser called the Great Guilford Cow Maneuver. Very clever. The cow plopped on someone else's square.

Joanne Noragon said...

A post a day times all the years you've been at is is a tremendous output. And perhaps your personal life needs some attention, too. Kick back, take time off. Pop in and say hello from time to time. And, thanks for being there.

Daisy said...

Old Spice and Lava soap remind me of my Dad. :)

I am familiar with cow patty bingo, although I've never watched or played it.

As for posting every day, I gave that up quite a while ago. If I can post once a week, I think I'm doing well!! Ha! :D

Diane Tolley said...

I've played this! Of course I've never won. Turns out I'm no good at predicting cow plops. Falling in them and getting liberally coated? I'm an expert.
And the whole manure thing? I'm with you. I used to judge men I met by whether or not there was real manure on their boots.

Diane Tolley said...

Also: I don't know what I'd do without my daily dose of Pearl!

The Geezers said...

Besides a current city of residence, we have that, too, in common: experience with rural farm environments.

The smell of manure is a fond one to me, too.

ThreeOldKeys said...

thank goodness nobody does chicken manure bingo.

and don't burn yourself out. but please don't take 14 months off.

Pat Tillett said...

I've spent some time on the farm and the only thing I did with meadow muffins, is try to avoid stepping in them. I think you guys all get cabin fever during the frozen nine months of the year...