I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, September 27, 2013

Welcome to the Quarterly Meeting of Worldwide Octopus


9:08 a.m.

Rats.  I’m late.

I’ll just dial in to the meeting.  They’ll never know. 

Beep-beep–beep!  Beep-beep-beep boo beep-beep-beep!

The State of the Corporation conference call is already in progress.  When I connect you, you will be the 400th person to join.

“… and so your activities in that capacity will figure prominently in your review not only this year but for years to come.”

Shoot.

“But really, people, what we’re about is world-class performance.  World-class cross-functional services operating world-wide.  We’re tapping in, we’re rolling-out, we’re driving the topline.

“And we are excited about it.

“Why, I remember when coming to work was just coming to work.  Remember that?  You got up in the morning, you came to work, your duties were this and this and this, and at the end of the day, you went home.

“No more. 

“Today, we’re world-wide.  Our day never stops!  That laptop we got you?  You can work from home!  That e-mail that Senegal sent?  The attachment from Taiwan?  No need to wait until the beginning of your work day, and you know why?

“Because your work day is no longer defined!

“We’re leveraging, people.  We’re doing heavy lifting.  We’re spearheading, we’re officing, we bubbling up to management. 

“We’re verbifying like never before.

But when will we sleep, you say.  When will I have time for my real life?

“Listen.  These are hard times.  Around every corner are people looking for jobs.  Noses are applied to grindstones, shoulders are pressed to wheels.

“Resumes are received.

“You know, I started like you.  Like you, and so many of our workers in the middle of the country, I, too, came from humble beginnings.  My grandparents, for example, had difficulty finding and keeping reasonably priced live-in help.  As a result, my grandmother was often forced to supervise the maids.

“I see the looks of incredulity on the faces around me here.  But it’s true.  Those were some humble times.

“But my grandparent fought their way out of those circumstances. 

“Just as you will. 

“In the last few years, we’ve had losses.  We’ve taken deep hits to our budgets.  We’ve consolidated roles. 

“And so it is humbling for me, Executive President and Head Bottlewasher – ha ha – to be here today, to look out on to the faces of dedication, servility, and – yes – fear. 

“It is humbling, inspiring and oddly gratifying.

“Your fate rests in your hands, people.

“Now let’s get out there and be productive.”

19 comments:

Indigo Roth said...

Damn, I'd almost forgotten THIS meeting. I'm still motivated. And medicated. Beta blockers mmmmm

Simply Suthern said...

Translating his comments:
"It's good to be me"
"It Must suck to be you"

Pearl said...

Indigo, your failure to attend was noted. Expect a call from HR.

Simply, EXACTLY.

vanilla said...

Indeed. And, "If you put your nose to the grindstone rough
and keep it there long enough
soon these three things will your life compose
you, and your grindstone, and your bloody nose."

Delores said...

Nothing like the conference call....call in from home then go about your business dusting, making lunch, greeting the post man...a little drop in to go "oh yes, umm hum, that's right" and then back to filing your nails, making coffee, picking the kids up from schol...gotta love the conference call. There's never any important information disclosed in a conference call...they insist you attend in person for the important stuff.

Perpetua said...

Gosh, I'm glad my wage-slave days are far in the past! I couldn't hack the 24/7 world my kids have to work in.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Accessibility. Everyone wanted accessibility. Now accept you have to be accessible...

Even the Himalayas are not immune! Yeeecchhh... YAM xx

jenny_o said...

“… and so your activities in that capacity will figure prominently in your review not only this year but for years to come.”

Mooning the boss, perchance?

Douglas said...

One more reason I worked night shift as much as I did... no conference calls with high mucky-mucks telling me how we (meaning everyone but him and his lackeys) had to sacrifice for the good of the company.

Geo. said...

What a great pep-talk! By gosh I'm going to get dressed now! Where are my shoes?

Glen said...

You certainly are living the dream on these calls :_) as long as he didn't say "Team Work makes the Dream Work" you should be fine ... funny as usual, Lady

sage said...

I had a conference call today and the first 45 minutes was wasted on technical difficulties.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

so true and a little depressing

River said...

I think I prefer the go to work, do the work, go home routine. I don't like the idea of being available 24/7.

Kymbo Whitford said...

It might help if you practice shoving sharp knives through sensitive parts of the human body...

the walking man said...

So Acme Grommets and panty Hose has adopted the Wal-Mart model? Who got cross trained to show you how to apply for food stamps?

Slick said...

Since there are only six of us (including The Boss) we don't need conference calls.

She just calls us into the lab, closes the door, chews us a new one, and then we get back to work.

Simple AND effective. No need to record anything because she will NEVER forget your screw-up.

Daisy said...

All that job-speak drives me crazy! I'm trying to be productive, though. :D

tiffany rose said...

I missed that call too so thanks for the notes.

Did they remind us to make sure we're harvesting low hanging fruit? And goes without saying we can't forget to focus on performance while delivering quality and cutting costs and schedule by working smarter.