I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Maryna’s Working on the Nuances


I grew up in a home where Mentholatum was considered so much more than just an attractive green jar. 



Chest rub?  Chapped-nostril soother?  Pretend lip gloss?

You can imagine my disappointment when I grew to discover that lip glosses are not always “mentholated”.

Maryna, a sophisticated Ukrainian with eyes the color of midnight and a dark wit to match them, leans over the table, hands me a pink lip gloss made by Buxom.  Like my beloved Mentholatum, it, too, makes the lips tingle.  


I look at the tube.  “Really?”  Buxom is not cheap.  I fight the urge to slam my drink, do a victory lap, maybe give my sister a call just to gloat a bit over the free booty.

Maryna waves a dismissive hand.  “I don’t like.  My friend Olya geev to me.  She don’t like either.”

I grin at her.  “Well thank you, Maryna!”

We raise our glasses to each other.  Then: “I have question for you.”

I slide my new favorite thing into the section of my purse reserved specifically for favorite things.  “Hmmm?”

“What is ‘moon’?”

I close my purse, peer at her over my glass of wine.  “Moon?”  I point out the window.  “Like, moon?”

She frowns, a pretty gesture in one so beautiful.  “No, I don’t theenk.”

“Where did you hear it?”

“Coworker.  She is funny woman.  Maybe has, mmm, sandy corners.”

“Mm,” I say.  “She’s a little rough around the edges?”

“Yes,” she says, smiling.  “Yes.  Rough edges.”

 “So what did she say?”

There is a moment of silence while she ponders.  Her dark eyes light up as she recalls the sentence.  In a vague approximation of an American accent done by someone born in Kiev, she says, “Hey, Maryna.  Here eet comes our boss.  Let us moon heem.”

She beams innocently at me.

I grab the wine bottle, smiling, and pour myself a full glass.


31 comments:

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Yes -YES - Maryna! Let us all moon heem, our boss.
awesome :)

Pearl said...

Dawn, Oh, if I had a dollar for every time... :-)

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
...this just keeps getting spookier - I was this very week itself given a lipsaver gloss stick containing nothing other than 'wintergreen' - mentholatum by any other name!!! It sure does make the lips tingle.

But I like, yes. Mooning the Man? Might leave that to Maryna!! YAM xx

Pearl said...

Yamini, I have never cared for the moon, myself. :-)

Delores said...

I have never done the 'moon' thing myself but there have been many occasions when it would have been appropriate. I trust you provided a thorough explanation.

Indigo Roth said...

Mooning is for lightweights. Real men do sunny-side up.

vanilla said...

Yeah, for every time you wanted to. However, I hope you told Maryna eet ees not good idea.

Pearl said...

Delores, I do not believe I have mooned anyone, although there may be some who believe they have a story or two...

Indigo, here, that is referred to as "the shark". :-)

vanilla, I never steer her wrong. :-)

jenny_o said...

I would love to listen in on all your Maryna conversations if they're this much fun. And from the ones you've shared, I kinda think they are.

Joanne Noragon said...

Tell Maryna mooning is done by young men, from moving cars. Women NEVER engage in mooning.

Silliyak said...

Or tell "just say no to crack"

Susan Kane said...

So, did Myrna and her co-worker do it? Moon him?

Rosemarie Blackthorn said...

I live for mooning bosses...that's why I am a writer.

Pearl said...

jenny_o, when they are, they are. :-)

Joanne, pretty much the advice I gave her. :-)

Sillyak, :-) Wish I'd said that.

Susan, nyet. :-)

Roses, :-) Nice.

Simply Suthern said...

In high school, on the bus we had the reverse called Flop Hooter. It would get you suspended. Imagine that.

maurcheen said...

I'm in love with Maryna!

I'm quite fond of Pearl too! :¬)

xxx

Launna said...

Haha... oh my.... that is cute :)

Elephant's Child said...

And there is not enough mooning of the heems done in this world. Not nearly enough. Full mooning.

Silliyak said...

What are you going to say when she asks about "twerking"?

Gigi said...

Okay, first of all - that little jar just transported me straight back to childhood!

Second? I love your conversations with Myrna.

Linda O'Connell said...

ha ha, she is learning our mannerisms :)

HermanTurnip said...

This stuff works miracles, especially for my young son. If he has a cold we rub it on his chest and he's able to fall asleep. I'd kiss the inventor of this product if he weren't already dead...

Chicken said...

Dear Maryna, stay away from the sandy-edged woman and spend more time with Pearl drinking wine. Then we can all enjoy the outcome and you can keep your job.

River said...

I would dearly love to be eavesdropping at the table next to yours and Maryna's.

I'll take my lip gloss in dark chocolate/cherry thanks.

Rose L said...

My sister mooned a car full of young men once and we had a hard time getting away from them after that!!!!

the walking man said...

As a creature of the night I will volunteer to be mooned by any reading this. Only one condition, I get to write a piece of honest poetry on over how man fields the moon has risen over, Pray thou has not an early ever blue moon.

Diane Tolley said...

Yep, the only mooning I ever witnessed was my soon-to-be brother-in-law, mooning a car from the safe anonymity of the school bus. Turned out the moon-ee was the school principal. Oops. Total eclipse.

savannah said...

i've missed you, sugar! *hugs* i am so glad to finally be home! xoxoxoxo

Daisy said...

Hahaha! Education is a good thing. :D

Pat Tillett said...

Moon over Minnesota! This was funny.

My granny thought Mentholatum did for the upper parts what cod liver oil did for the lower.

jabblog said...

I'm sure Maryna will prove herself adept at mooning - of course there is another meaning but she'd only do that sort of mooning if she fancied him.