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Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I Been Dropped Off Illegally!

The following took place almost five years ago.  Every now and then, I think about it.  And now, you have to, too.

You’re welcome.



It is 6:10 in the morning.

This used to be an impossible time of day for me, by the way; but since I’ve started going to bed, oh, only moments after supper, I find I’m far more rested in the morning.

I am up, I am entirely coherent, and by golly, I’m dressed.

And I am going to answer the front door.

Bing-bong!  Bing-bong!

Not only is someone ringing my doorbell, but they’re being insistent about it as well.

I trot down the stairs to the first-floor porch. 

A disheveled woman with eyes like poached eggs and MC Hammer’s pants is slapping the glass on the door with her open palm.

I open the door. 

“Ma’am!  Ma’am!”

I shake my head in irritated amusement.  “Yes!  Yes!”

“I need you to call the cops.”  Miss Porch momentarily loses her grip.  “Police!” she shouts.  “Police!”

“Hey, now.  Wait,” I say.  “Why am I calling the cops?  Are you okay?”  I stick my head out the front door, look up and then down the street for the fire/car accident/alien invasion that has sparked this excitement.

“Oh, I’m fine, ma’am.  I’m fine.  But I been illegally dropped off.”

I am frowning in concentration, further exasperating the wrinkles in my forehead, when Willie comes flying down the steps.  I consciously smooth my brow.

“What now?” he says, zipping his pants.  “What’s going on now?”

I grin up at him.  “This woman here,” I say, “has been illegally dropped off.”

Willie comes to a full stop.  “She –“

“Yup,” I say.  “Dropped off.  Illegally.”

He frowns and hands me his phone.

I turn back to the woman on the porch.  “So they dropped you off?”

She nods, briskly.  Her eyes glitter in the pre-dawn light of a late autumn morning.  “Yes, ma’am?  In the alley.”

“You were in the alley?”

She nods again. “They kicked me out!”

“Why?”

She abruptly stops.  We are all made aware of how very quiet the early morning is. 

“Were you,” I say, “in the alley all night?  Smoking crack?”

Amazingly, she nods. “And then they kicked me out!  I been dropped off illegally!”

I press 9, then the 1.  “So I’ll call the cops,” I say, looking at the screen, “and tell them that you and your friends were smoking crack in the alley and then you guys started fighting and they kicked you out.”  I look up at her.  “What color was the vehicle again?”

Miss Porch takes a step backward.  “I believe I will just be on my way,” she says.

Willie waves.  “Have a good day,” he calls.

29 comments:

Silliyak said...

Channeling Strother Martin from Cool Hand Luke "Some people you just cain't help"

Pearl said...

Silliyak, :-)
First and only time a crackhead's knocked at the door. It's just not that kind of neighborhood, ya know? But the fact that she was so coked up -- and so angry -- that she would knock on the door at that time of day?! COME on!

joeh said...

Illegally dropped off...I believe that is an 821 in police parlance.

Leenie said...

Illegal but not an alien. What a disappointment. (Well maybe she was an alien, we don't really know what they look like do we?)

ellen abbott said...

And what exactly did she expect the police to do?

Pearl said...

joeh, I've been a lot of things, but I've never been illegally dropped off. :-)

Leenie, oh, I'm pretty sure this one was an alien. :-)

ellen, your guess is as good as mine!

Jocelyn said...

I'm pretty sure that after she left you that day, she got legally picked up, brought to Duluth, and enrolled at my college.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
...I'm impressed you opened the door at that hour without knowing who was there. But then you did have Willie... YAM @*0

BLissed-Out Grandma said...

If I'm ever in an emergency situation, I want you there. You are one cool cucumber, as they say.

Haddock said...

Just like blissed out grandma said, you handled it very well.

jenny_o said...

I'm on the team "Ya Done Good, Pearl". I never would have answered the door!

Daisy said...

Haha! Another problem solved. Pearl to the rescue.

Delores said...

She just didn't take the time to think that one through did she? Thank goodness you were there for her Pearl to get the old grey cells going again.

jabblog said...

A little commonsense goes a long way . . .

Daisy said...

I just don't know what to say!

Indigo Roth said...

Good grief, achtung, etc. With a side-order of merde.

fmcgmccllc said...

Gotta love some good indignation, even from a crack head.

Geo. said...

There must be some practical legal guidelines for dropping people off in alleys. They should be posted. Is anybody working on this?

Jacquelineand.... said...

I want you here the next time someone starts pounding on my door at 3 a.m.!

Gigi said...

You answered the door?! At 6:10 AM?!

I'm impressed. At 6:10 am, I'm usually not even coherent enough to drink a cup of coffee; much less deal with that kind of hot mess.

Elephant's Child said...

What a gentleman Willie is. 'Have a good day' is NOT what would have occurred to the residents of this house. Cats included.

Slick said...

At that time in the morning, her emergency better involve blood, flood, or flames.
There was a woman here who called the cops on her daughter for stealing all of her weed.

She shouldn't have.

Rosemary Nickerson said...

Really? This really happened?// Who could make this up--it had to be real! Oh, Pearl, too weird.

HermanTurnip said...

You live in a most interesting locale, and I can't help but find myself jealous at the wealth of bizarre that surrounds you. Must be excellent fodder for writing!

Timothy Hecht said...

Why did you assume she was dropped off from a car?

Actually, you said vehicle. Were you thinking what I was thinking?

I bet it was translucent.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Ok this was funny, you have so many interesting and funny things happen to you, nothing funny or interesting happens to me...........ever......

Danielle L Zecher said...

I think this falls firmly under the "truth is stranger than fiction" category.

One of the local radio stations does a D.A. of the day feature every morning, and this type of thing features fairly often. I think some people have a very broad definition of what "protect and serve" means.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Never a dull moment for you, Pearl. I'm concerned about your safety, though. Next time that happens, make Willie answer it - pants zipped up or not.

xoRobyn

River said...

I'm kinda glad you didn't invite her in to wait until the cops arrived.