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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Hey, Is That Your Cat Up There on the Screen?

The dress I am wearing is from the early 80s and made, if I’ve interpreted this correctly, out of the material used in the creation of parachutes.

Food or beverage, spilled on this material, will likely bead up and run off.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is Saturday night.  I am wearing a bridesmaid’s dress, my hair has been ratted and sprayed into submission, and I am ready to party.


What?

No, it’s not a typical Saturday, dagnabit! 

It’s for charity!

I look at the program.  I am listed as Bitter Friend Not Asked to Be Part of the Wedding and Liaison to Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys. 

Liza Bean?  I frown in confusion, then quickly smooth my brow.

My furrowed forehead simply does not go with this outfit.

Still: Confusing.  I thought the striped little cream-poacher was in India. 

Hadn’t she said something about elephant polo and a curry cook-off?

Oh, well.  I gleefully help myself to another glass of beer.  Can’t really make sense of the program, but how often are they right, anyway? 

DJ Shannon Blowtorch moves from one dance-able song to the next.  A dashing man holds his hand out.

“Dance with me?”

I follow him to the dance floor.  “Can you follow?” he asks.

I smile.  “Can you lead?”

Turns out he can, that I can, and that, 15 minutes and four songs later, we find that if one is spun out and back rapidly enough, the seam holding the back of one’s dress to its zipper will let go in tiny, exhausted pops – Pop!  Pop!  Pop! – until one’s back is exposed to the bra-line.

“You,” he says, kissing my hand, “are a treat.  But you know that, don’t you?  All the treats know they are treats.”

I hiccup in a most lady-like manner and back away, grinning, from the dance floor.

Sarah, the bride at this Bad Wedding Reception fundraiser, approaches.  “Liza’s on the phone.”

I blink at her.  “Liza Bean?  I thought she was in India?”

She laughs.  “She’s on Skype!”

Ladies and gentlemen, when a drunk woman in a wedding dress asks you to listen to a toast made by a cat in India, you do it.

But honestly, I have a hard time believing that cat was in India Saturday night.

Wasn't she in my car Sunday?


Oh, and Liza Bean's not really British.  She just likes to pretend she is.

Special thanks to Indigo Roth and Fran Morter, who really are British.

37 comments:

Leenie said...

Liza Bean--Jet Set Cat, Fearless Leader of Covert Kitty Operations, Master of Disguise. You, my friend look Marvelous!

Shelly said...

THE. MOST. FUN. POST. I. HAVE. READ!!!

Silliyak said...

No relationship should start off on a Delta flight except maybe one between a lawyer and a prospective client.

jenny_o said...

Brilliant!! By golly, this is wonderful work :)

Simply Suthern said...

Gotta be careful not to pull the emergency handle on those Parachute dresses.

Diane Tolley said...

Elegant, gorgeous, AND witty! And you look good too, Pearl! :)

Daisy said...

A wonderful start to my day! Thanks Lisa Bean and Pearl.

Silliyak said...

I've had a cat on a different type of screen.

Miss Moxie said...

Oh I love that wily Liza Bean, even if she DOES share all my secrets! :)

Kenzie Smith said...

I loved reading this post! Too fun!

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

" I gleefully help myself to another glass of beer."
You have just described my Saturday nights! And Fridays! And sometimes Wednesdays and . . .
Loved hearing Liza Bean's voice. :) How fun.

Geo. said...

Great party, good cause, great theme, flawless account and you look beautifully upholstered. Thanks for this brightness!

Susan Williams said...

Liza Bean sounds far more refined (does a better British imitation) than I would have ever dreamed.

Your description of your dress in the midst of your dance was delightful!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
...wait.. WHAT?!... Liza's Bean in India and didn't even drop by for a visit??? I am miffed!!...then again she would have run the risk of being sealed into a box and couriered to Scotland, so maybe best after all.

What a fantastic post Pearl - different and very creative. YAM xx

Delores said...

That was bloody fabulous...um....when did Liza Bean develop the British accent?

Daisy said...

You lead an exciting life, Pearl, and so does your cat, apparently! Hahaha! Loved when Liza Bean laughed. :D

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Delightfully amusing! You're so talented, Ms. Pearl. And Liza Bean is as brilliant as she is photogenic. She understands that sin is delightful. I knew I liked that cat.

xoRobyn

vanilla said...

WOW!

Buttons said...

Oh you make me laugh. I love that thank you. Lookin' good:) B

Joanne Noragon said...

Ma-vel-ous. And that includes the dress.

Rosemarie Blackthorn said...

Brilliant!

I laughed and laughed!
xx

Jocelyn said...

You are exactly my kind of loony.

I started out, ready to yell, "NICE RACK"...

and then I was going to type that of course, with THAT RACK, the zipper would give out mid-evening...

but then I got to the Skype call, and, well,

you are exactly my kind of loony.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Man, you Minnsotans know how to party =) And Liza, such a scamp... Indigo x

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

I think that flower arrangement on the table might have been photoshopped. Something seems off.

Gigi said...

And I loved it even more today! Good job all around!!

And you? You, dahling, look maaahvelous!

Linda O'Connell said...

Oh my goodness, a photo of you and your tiny waist, and also Liza Bean and her toast. This was a hoot. Your hairstyle, too.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

This was you best, your very best, Pearl.

The only thing though was that I pictured Liza Bean differently, but then those Bitty girls did travel around quite a bit.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Pearl, you're gorgeous! When I dress up, it's usually in prom gowns and leads to Journey, circa 1981. After the wine. Usually. And Liza Bean, well done, you!

Rose L said...

Love the polo game on elephants in the background!

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Liza Bean is just how I thought she would sound, the little jet setter...........nice toast but I think she had a bit much to drink yes I notice how often her glass was refilled during her toast

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

Got to love 80's fashion! Great hear, by the way, that's some excellent teasing.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous

River said...

Very nice speech by Liza Bean Bitey. Having a wedding reception next to an elephant polo match has to be lots of fun.
I like your dress Pearl, parachute silk is not usually a dress fabric I believe? It's a lovely shade of blue.

the walking man said...

Someone needs be more mindful of their credit cards and get themselves more nice dresses, not necessarily in that order.

Ray Denzel said...

something about the english women and that accent!
Almost as good as the midwestern women.
xo

Suldog said...

Truly hilarious video. The words and pictures preceding it weren't half-bad, either, of course.

Pat Tillett said...

That was classic! The whole thing was great Pearl. One of the best.

Murr Brewster said...

Y'all ain't right. Ain't none of y'all right.

Can you get snot off a screen with a cocktail fork?