I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Dolly Rifles Through the Want Ads

I woke up early Monday morning only to find Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) already up and sitting at the little breakfast table, a cup of coffee in front of her, a lit cigarette’s smoke being coaxed out a window, Patsy Cline playing softly in the background.

That cat knows how I feel about her smoking in the house.

Dolly and I have an odd relationship: I feed her small, flavored treats so that I can laugh while she stands on her back legs and she, in return, hoicks hairballs into my boots.

I’m not sure it’s an evenly sided relationship, but so few are these days.

Have you met Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers)? Dolly is a rather stunning long-haired Siamese mixture, a sparsely-toothed puddy tat with a penchant for lying flat on her back, limbs akimbo, looking, for all the world, like a warm and suspiciously unseaworthy canoe.

It’s a strange moment, catching your cat unawares. One delicate claw stirring the heavily creamed coffee, her brilliantly blue (and sometimes crossed) eyes staring off in the distance, I walked in as she was singing.

“I go out walking, after midnight…”

Well, except she wasn’t so much singing along as she was meow-meowing along. “Meow-meow mi-meow meow, meow-meow meow meow…” You’d probably have to be there, but really it’s quite disconcerting, catching a cat singing.

She stopped as I entered the kitchen, shifted the gaze that had been out the window to concentrate on the want ad section of the newspaper spread out before her.

“Mornin’,” I said.

Dolly raised her cup and nodded. She knows how I feel about early morning chatter, not to mention the fact that her lisp makes her self-conscious.

“Looking for a job?” I asked.

“Mmmmm,” she said.

“I’ll catch you later then,” I said. I was all the way to the front door before I heard what could only be a cat clearing her throat. At the bottom of the steps, I turned around and looked up.

Dolly was holding my lunch. “Meow meow meow,” she said, which I can only interpret at “You forgot your lunch”.

She tossed it down to me.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Don’t menthun it,” she said.

21 comments:

Delores said...

Gambling debts piling up again?

vanilla said...

Useful cat.

Pearl said...

Delores, she just really wants to pull her own weight.

And keep herself in ciggies.

Vanilla, oh, she's a keeper. :-)

Beach Bum said...

...she, in return, hoicks hairballs into my boots.

Spock the Cat here at my house will occasionally bring home a dead bird. Not to be outdone, Sparky the Dog brought home a dead baby squirrel late Saturday night.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Does she clean house too? Does she give lessons to others with a pride of cats?

Sia McKye Over Coffee

Pearl said...

Beach Bum, such noble kitties! :-)

Sia, the kinds of lessons that Dolly gives, you don't want to pay for!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Maybe she could find work deterring the illegal drop offs?

jenny_o said...

Oooooh - NOTHING like the day Liza Bean helpfully packed your lunch! Thankfully.

Pearl said...

The Chicken's Consigliere, there's always money in security!

jenny_o, Never trust Liza Bean to pack your lunch. Unless you're INTO mouse-ends and off-track racing forms...

fishducky said...

Doesn't she ever pack you the good shrimp?

Joanne Noragon said...

Dolly is as thoughtful as my mom or grandmother were. Sans the cigarettes.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
... hah, she's plotting something... You were warned. YAM xx

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

It was the Patsy Cline music. It makes us sweet and sentimental.

Daisy said...

Well, at least she's handy to have around some of the time. :)

Elephant's Child said...

I have a HUGE soft spot for Dolly. What sort of work is she looking for?

Along These Lines ... said...

Dolly Gee Squeakers is very, um, imaginative. No sure if you have any kids. But if any are on the way, they probably should be concerned.

Geo. said...

There is a Siamese-mix that hunts in my yard and sings. Everything with a brain runs away but lizards, well lizards... She sings of joys involving dead lizards and belongs to my neighbor. You're luckier than I am.

HermanTurnip said...

"a cup of coffee in front of her, a lit cigarette’s smoke being coaxed out a window, Patsy Cline playing softly in the background."

I swear, David Lynch should direct a movie about Dolly's life. In a pinch David Cronenberg would do, but Lynch would be my first choice.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

I wonder what type of job Dolly would want to do, the usual cat jobs such as catching mice will not be her cup of tea, I imagine............

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Yes, what Mr. Turnip said!

Diane Tolley said...

My house needs painting. How's Dolly with tools and/or potentially messy things?