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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

You Certainly See A Lot More of People in the Summer, Don't You?

I was forced -- forced! -- to party with Norwegians last night.  It was a brilliant evening with overtones of sun-tanned blonde-ness and Sarah's hospitality and tongue-in-cheek "Minnesota Potluck", a menu which contained both that green bean casserole we're so taken with and a "jello salad".

Please enjoy this repost from the summer of 2010.  I will be at my desk, nursing a small hangover.


Welcome to summer, season of fleshly exposures and frightened, abused clothing.

Lady, what did those clothes ever do to you that you would be so cruel to them? That shirt – surely you caught it selling top-secret documents to the North Koreans, yes?

I think I see what you’re up to. The plan? To wear that shirt, despite its being several sizes too small, despite its pleading, overstressed seams, until it confesses. Good for you. Now is not the time to be lax with our national secrets. Now is not the time to mollycoddle our treasonous clothing. Obviously you have impressive proof against that shirt; and the way things are looking? Let’s just say that I wouldn’t want to be there when the poor thing finally explodes in a burst of exhausted threads.

Good for you for taking a hard line on whatever you believe that shirt did.

And the pants? Let us not speak of the pants. The "pants" - and if ever there was a piece of distressed, undersized pair of trousers requiring quotation marks, these is them - are an assault on the eyes. I fully support you in your home-grown efforts to disgrace them. You’re doing a good job, and I’ve nothing to add here.

But the sandals. Tell me about the sandals. They are too small for you; and they’ve always been too small, yes? Even from here, I can see your painted toes curling over the front of them, your cracked heels extending beyond the length of the sandal.

Come on. Tell me. Call it a hunch, but those are not your sandals, are they?

So while I suspect the shirt of a subversive-style shrinking, no doubt in a bid to escape being worn again, and it is obvious that the pants were never trustworthy, the sandals mystify me. Perhaps you borrowed them. Perhaps a friend has pressed them upon you, urging you to wear them, either as a punishment for the shoe itself or in an attempt to humiliate you.

Where did those sandals come from, and who are they working for?

Those sandals, in conjunction with the rest of your outfit – the tourniquet masquerading as your pants, the shirt that insists on rolling up to expose your fluffy, fluffy love handles – are clearly working for the opposition.

Those clothes – and their original owners – must be removed from the public and put away, perhaps forced into a corner so as to think about what they've done...

Kudos on your continuing efforts to bring wayward, rebellious clothing and their treasonous ways to the forefront.

I shall miss these moments with you once winter comes.

20 comments:

purplestarr said...

I wish I could miss those moments in winter, but alas, someone I work with insists on wearing tank tops strained to the limit even when it's a balmy 10 degrees outside.

Silliyak said...

No mention of many types of fish (fisk), are you sure they're Norwegians? You gotta go over, it's lovely!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
aaaahhhh.. Nordmenn eh? They haff ways aff making yuu syphon; akavit anyone? A trinkle of hjemmebrent? Maybe it was just that one last Pilsner that burst the head?

We still won out - this was an image to deal with - perhaps the local 'op' shop (thrift store) was a few items lighter? Or maybe she'd met up with the Nordmenn.

@> YAM xx

Shelly said...

In my hot land where a rallying cry often seems to be "Unleash the Muffin Top", I find so much to identify with in your post.

jenny_o said...

If you slightly and in an unfocused manner cross your eyes and stare just past these icons of fit and style, they will magically fade from view.

But then, what would you write about? And, OMG, what would we READ?!

Too funny post

Pearl said...

:-) I cannot begin to tell you all how much I am forward to going to bed tonight!

Partying: someone's got to do it.

Pearl said...

That's "looking forward".

:-) Ack.

Mandy_Fish said...

"But the sandals. Tell me about the sandals. They are too small for you; and they’ve always been too small, yes?"

Oh my god, you are killing me!

*Dead*

So funny. So true. I have strong feelings about footwear. You know that.

Indigo Roth said...

Pearl: Reaper Of Clothes. Beware, muffintop. Beware.

Elephant's Child said...

And this scary person and all her siblings ride the bus with me...

Ian Lidster said...

Jello Salad!! I'm there.

Joanne Noragon said...

Love the Norwegians. They can really come to life when green bean casseroles and jello hit the table. And pasta salad and seven layer salad. Who brought the ham? I love summer, too.

esbboston said...

I generaLLy see more people when my eyes are open error regardless of the season. I can go whole days seeing veRy few live humans (only seeing people on the teleBision screen). Today its just me N The Dog. And studying. And cooking. .... nap time ....

Pat Tillett said...

Kinda makes you wish everyone had on a parka and their snow boots.
Very funny Pearl!

HermanTurnip said...

It's funny, but my favorite t-shirts are always the ones to shrink the most and mysteriously sprout holes in the unlikeliest of places.

Leenie said...

Even when it's hangover time there's still a Party at Pearl's. Please pass the green bean casserole.

Yay! for summer and the view of all those toes. So many ways to be UUUuuuuugleeee.

the walking man said...

You have described every day fashion in the hood, the only difference is at times when they really want to show off the glam the sandals turn themselves in for detention and are replaced with stiletto heels. Ever see a 300 pound woman in a half T shirt (size 40 waits, ultra shorts, 39" thighs, in stilettos?

River said...

But....but....they fit perfectly three summers ago.....

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I have taken to air-dry most things these days since things always shrink...or maybe it's me always growing...?

Daisy said...

The sandals would puzzle me too. I mean, it's not like you can claim they shrunk in the wash. I'm all about comfort when it comes to shoes, and those sandals do not sound comfortable. :D

Thanks for the smiles, Pearl!