I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Part Two: Wherein We Learn of Dolly’s Gig

This is part two of a story that began yesterday.  Go take a look.  Go on!  Under 300 words.  You’ll be back in no time.  We’ll wait here.


I sigh.  “What’s going on here?”

“Hmmm?”  Liza Bean Bitey, graceful, stripe-ed deliverer of headless mice and surprisingly passionate holder of Green Bay Packers season tickets, glances casually over her shoulder toward the heavy drapes that block the bedroom from the living room.

“Heeeey,” I say.  “What are you up to?  Where’s Dolly?”

Liza Bean’s eyebrows, such as they are, shoot northward.  She shrugs a small, noncommittal shrug. 

“She’s asleep.”  The cat chuckles.  “Don’t be so suspicious, Pearl.  I just thought you should know about the poetry.”

I frown at her.  “Are you feeling okay?”

“I thought she could use some encouragement.”

I laugh, a disbelieving bark in the dim light of 2:30 in the morning. “This from the cat who booed the accordion player in front of The Social.”

She smiles, a small glimpse of gleaming teeth in the dark.  “The man is delusional.”

I wrinkle my nose at her.  

Liza Bean blinks slowly.   “Anyway," she says, "I consider it a mitzvah.”

I sigh again, make a mental note that my next pet will be a dog - and possibly illiterate.

“So?”

Liza Bean widens her eyes.  “She’s performing tonight at The Nip and the Saucer.”

Now it is my turn to widen my eyes. 

The cat nods, a brief, almost indiscernible motion. 

I smile into the darkness. “You remember “House Cat”?”

“I do indeed,” Liza says.  She clears her throat; and - perhaps it's the late hour? - uncharacteristically delivers the poem in Dolly's own speech pattern.

Houthe cat!  Houthe cat?
Windowth open on a thpring day
The birdieth alight
On the roof nectht door and I am tranthficthed
A thlave to my dethire
To have them
Pat them
Run through the houthe with them dangling from my jawth
And when I tire of that
I lay in a pool of thun,
Pat-thy Cline on the thtereo
Chain thmoking thigarettes
Houthe cat?  Houthe cat!

Don’t tell me I’ve nothing to do.

And with that, Liza Bean takes a small bow, retreats to the foot of the bed, where she circles several times and lays across my feet.

“The Nip and the Saucer,” she says quietly.  “We should go.”


And Liza Bean Bitey falls asleep. 

33 comments:

Shelly said...

*Snapping my fingers in ardent appreciation*

I think you should gather up all your friends and neighbors and take them to The Nip and Saucer for this.

And do I detect a bit of the metaphysical conceit in this piece? John Donne would be most proud.

Pearl said...

Shelly, I had to look up "metaphysical conceit". :-) I'm excited!!

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Why, I jutht think thith ith marvelouth! Great work, Dolly Gee Thweakers!

Pearl said...

Dawn, I shall convey your enthusiasm to the puddy. :-)

Z said...

Siamese cats have a way with words. Even so, I'm impressed.

Geo. said...

Ah, I watch the plot thicken (no, I'm not lisping).

Brian Miller said...

i love runnething through the house with things in my jaws....it shows my appreciation surely....def a must go to poetry event....smiles...

ladyfi said...

Loved the whole story! You're a great writer.

Douglas said...

My cats were never so creative. Oh sure, Bimbo could catch and swallow a bird (leaving the feathers and skeleton in the closet via some kind of never heard gastric explosion) whilst balancing on a fence, Floozie could pretend she had given birth to Carlos (no relation at all) to the point of needing hormone treatments, and Carlos could kill scorpions on carpets but I always assumed any cat could do those mundane things.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Wowsers, that's very much a Projectivist Movement poem! What a talent! Who knew?! Roth x

Optimistic Existentialist said...

You know how to weave quite a tale Pearl. Quite a tale (or tail in the case of the cat) indeed.

joeh said...

Reminiscent of "Friends" "Smelly Cat" only way better!

jenny_o said...

You have captured the essence of ALL our puddy tats, Pearl. Except, perhaps, the Patsy Cline and the chain smoking. Some cats have to make do with a radio and fuzzy catnip toys.

I truly heart this poem. :)

Delores said...

You should indeed go. None of my cats ever wrote poetry. If they had, I would have gone to hear them read.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Brava, Brava. houthe cat??? Youthe cat. Pearl....and I'. strange???? Thanks for reading my stuff and adding me to your list!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Dolly my herfeline! Thee ith a poothy of wonderfulneth.

More.. More..More...Meeewwwwrrrrrr.
YAM xxx

Pearl said...

Z, you got that right. :-)

Geo, very funny. :-)

Brian, the crowd should be something to see. Readings in general are big in the cat community -- and even more so if there is the promise of gin. And there's always gin at The Nip and the Saucer...

Douglas, sounds as if your cats have some talents!

Indigo, Projectivist Movement? Dammit, anyway! Now I have to look THAT up!

Optimistic, I appreciate your saying so. :-)

jenny_o, I'm glad! And I DO wish the cats would give up smoking. They're almost $8/pack now!

joeh, :-) Dolly loves that show.

Delores, I shall. :-) I always end up with such a hangover, though. It really takes a lot out of one, drinking with cats...

Consigliore, it was the least I could do. You're funny.

Yam, :-) She also doubles as "Bathroom Kitty", where she rules the hamper. :-)

jabblog said...

Will Liza Bean be Dolly's agent? This could be your path to a life of luxury.

Leenie said...

Supporting family in their endeavors is very important. Even Liza Bean knows that.

Daisy said...

Better go early! I hear the Nip and the Saucer is going to be packed! :D

Pearl said...

jabblog, there's a thought. It's time SOMEbody got an agent!

Leenie, I must be getting cynical. I suspected that it was because it's been a long time since Liza had a gin and tonic. :-) Or maybe it's been a long time since I'VE had a gin and tonic...

Daisy, hard to get a booth, I'll tell ya that much! :-)

vanilla said...

*sigh of relief* Not bad. Not bad at all; and not a bit s-cat-alogical.

Pearl said...

vanilla, you know we try to avoid the baser communications. :-)

Sioux said...

I hear the bouncer at the NIp and the Saucer is a hunk...

Pat Tillett said...

Oh man, that was so good and so funny! You are hilarious...

Gigi said...

I had wondered whether the poem would include Dolly's lisp - and am so glad it did!

Yes, you definitely need to go. You know...to support Dolly. And for the gin.

Daisy said...

:-D We'll be there!
Barbara and Daisy

Elephant's Child said...

You HAVE to go. To applaud. And to report back.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

But of courthe you muth go!

River said...

I read your reply to jenny-cigarettes are $8 a pack now?? Here in Australia they're $20, makes me glad I don't smoke. Imagine being a pack-a-day smoker at $20...
Anyway, I agree with Liza Bean, you should go to the Nip and Saucer.

Vicus Scurra said...

I love you.

Mitchell is Moving said...

I've got my beret and black turtleneck thweater. Thee you at the Nip and the Saucer!

the walking man said...

Yes you should go--refuse to pay any cover charge with the statement "I am with the nights feature. I carry her journals"