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Monday, July 15, 2013

Perhaps a Lovely Cowcatcher at the Front of the Vehicle, Then?


We’ve spoken, perhaps, on the many ways in which I try to enrich my city, the fair metropolis of Minneapolis.

There’s my “I’m-picking-up-yer-trash” day in the park across the street from my house.

There’s the fact that, in a continued effort to beautify America I not only wear lipstick when I go out but I also wear real pants and shoes, a fashion convention that seems to have gone the way of the passenger pigeon in some parts of the state.

And there’s my oft-repeated vision for revenue that includes pelting bound vandals with reasonably priced and rotted vegetables, all for the benefit of the community.

I like Minneapolis; and other than the fact that the weather here wants to kill me (and makes just such an attempt every winter, the little lake-dotted bestid), I have no plans to live anywhere else.

City living! Yeah!

And then again, for cryin’ out loud, I live in the city.

Oh, sure. I mean, I hear what you’re saying. “But Pearl! Sidewalks and mature trees! Fabulous places to eat, live bands, theatre, public transport and neighborhoods with neighbors you know!”

And I think, gosh darn it, you! You’re right. What’s my problem, anyway?

The newest issue to rear its head and make me reach for the club I keep in the backseat?

People walking down the middle of the street.

Remember when you were little? Remember people telling you to stay out of the road, to stay on the sidewalk, to watch for cars?

Yeah. These people didn’t have that advantage, apparently. For some reason – and maybe you can help me out here – there are people who believe that the road is meant for peds.

You know, I don’t mind the peds xing*. But what about when they’re not xing? What about when they’re just walking down the middle of the street, even when your lights are on them, even when you have to brake to avoid grinding the little pin-heads into the tarmac? What about when harsh, short words are exchanged and I begin to feel for the mace on my key chain and think about swinging around the block for a second time just to see how far this guy can run when he’s blind?

The rules are clear: Ducks don’t date geese; it gets easier to gain weight as you age; and your soft, unshielded body is no match for my Honda. Get outta the street.

The following is a list of reasons I believe may explain what’s going through these nitwits’ heads as well as reminders to myself that they are humanoid beings with families who love them:
  • Heavy medication. They simply don’t know where they are.
  • Fear of the sidewalk. They fell on the sidewalk once and never again.
  • It’s the first road they’ve ever seen and they just love it.
  • Sleepwalking.
  • Erectile dysfunction. (I just like saying that.)
  • Grandiose sense of entitlement. (It's their street -- you move.)
  • The hope that you will hit them so that they can sue you and make a billion dollars and never have to work…
Well, that’s my bit for both the City and Mankind. I pick up garbage, I wear pants, and I try not to crash my car into the mentally challenged.

My work here is done.



*Sorry. Since I was small I’ve enjoyed the thought of “peds” “x”ing.

32 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Here our leaders are trying to figure out why so many PEDS get X'ed.

It's obvious they aint riding in the front seat on their way to the office.

joeh said...

I have also been baffled by this phenomenon. I believe it is the last two of your explanations.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Sometimes our similarities are frightening. Truly.
"The peds are x-ing" has cracked me up for - oh - 3 1/2 of my four decades on Earth.

Eva Gallant said...

Here in Maine, our problem is the pan-handlers standing in the medians. I'm always afraid one will fall into oncoming traffic!

Shelly said...

Here in Texas we have a point system for the street hogs...wait, I've said too much already.

Pat Tillett said...

These are the same idiots/bullies who tailgate you while driving, pass on the shoulder and take up more than one parking spot. It's all about them getting a sense of control. They don't have any in their lives, so they take it out on the rest of us. They are the same idiots who incite "road rage" in the rest of us. I've been known to drive around these "street walkers" and stop my car right in front of them. I also like to cut off idiots passing on the shoulder and drastically slow my car down when being tailgated.

People who do these things have to be shown that there are consequences for their actions. I don't mind being the one to show them. Sometimes a punch in the melon is a good thing for people.

Pat Tillett said...

After reading that, I believe a visit to my therapist is in order...

jenny_o said...

Pat, you're cracking me up :)

I love the idea of pelting vandals with rotten vegetables at a reasonable price. Justice AND economic stimulus, rolled into one.

I've always wanted to do the thing where you chase after a person who has just dropped litter, and give it back to them "because you didn't notice you dropped it". Being a small person and unable to lie well, I think I'd come out on the wrong end of that exchange.

bill lisleman said...

Pearl you put together a great list. I would not waste too much time thinking about these idiots. However, I'll offer one, no wait, two more suggestions for your list.
1) They just made a bet at the bar and this is part of it.
2) They are looking for the blogger Pearl hoping to get posted.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Any or all of those. Also quite possibly that they got lost on the way to the Forum...(not!)

Hah - Jenny_O... as a super-small person I HAVE called out to someone that they had forgotten their "shopping". The plastic bag containing all the rubbish from their take-away meal was quickly retrieved and then deposited in the appropriate receptacle poste haste!!

I am, fortunately, big enough to know that looks can't actually kill. Phew. YAM xx

fishducky said...

This was one of your funniest posts--& there are LOTS of those!!

jenny_o said...

Yamini: Do you have any tips for chasing people in cars who have thrown their litter out the windows?
I will have to remember the line about "your shopping"!!

Leenie said...

Wide street set out by early pioneers with teams of horses and big wagons has made x-ing a major challenge here in Idaho. Sometimes the peds are caught like a runner between bases when the lights change and the decision is to go for the nearest curb or try for a run home.

Indigo Roth said...

I didn't reach the end of this one. Erectile dysfunction stopped me in my tracks.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
O_Jenny - you got me - I'm the one running down the middle of the road dodging Honda-bowling Pearls!!

(sigh,,, if only I was fit enough for that to be actually true...)&*<

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I firmly believe it's because a whole generation of us failed to teach our progeny ANYTHING at all. We need to have the rules taught in our schools on a daily basis....
a) don't spit in the street
b) walk on the sidewalk
c) pull your pants up
d) if you haven't paid for it, hands off.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

After years of successful indoctrination from parents, teachers, coaches, etc. as to what "special winners" they are... in spite of doing absolutely nothing to merit that designation... those people actually believe it. It's THEIR road, because they're entitled to it.

Joanna Jenkins said...

"Erectile dysfunction. (I just like saying that.)" You always crack me up, Pearl.

I hear you about the street walkers-- they do it here in LA too and it drives me crazy. Of course here they are usually pushing an overloaded shopping cart but still... GET OUT OF THE ROAD! I see a bumper sticker in our future.

xo jj

Kana said...

Another casualty of the misadvised Self-Esteem Movement: road safety. Too many gold stars, trophies for participation, and "You're a special snowflake" speeches have reared a horde of people who are confident, secure in themselves and have no cause to be either. They are comfortable with their role in the road, and their inconveniencing of you or any other motorist. Unfortunately, the idea of others being special little snowflakes didn't enter into the well-intentioned curriculum.

Joanne Noragon said...

You do need to tackle bicycle entitlement among high schoolers with out wheels. As bad as the spandex/lycra crowd is, the short shorted teenie boppers and their baggy shorted escorts crossing a highway wherever the mood strikes, at say midnight, are going to bring me down.

Lowandslow said...

That was YOU in that Honda? I was thinking that sidewalk looked wider than normal. Now this is all making sense. ;)

S

Gigi said...

Oh Pearl, do not get me started on the entitlement issues of the particular generation that we are most likely discussing.....

If I had my way - it would be perfectly legal to *nudge* them out of the road with your bumper.

HermanTurnip said...

Our town is experiencing an influx in homeless people. I'd like to call them "hobos" but I think that term fell out of chic some time ago. "Domestically challenged"? No, that's not quite it. "Financially vapid"? No. "Roofless"? Not quite it either.

Anyway, yeah...they like to walk down the middle of the street as well. I think it's the latest fad or something...

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Erectile dysfunction - well we all know where men's brains are located.

Fragrant Liar said...

Too bad there's not a little X in the upper right corner of their foreheads that you could just click on and make them disappear, like with a click of your headlights.

P.S.
Erectile dysfunction.

Rose L said...

We don't worry about pedestrians in the streets here in our little town of Oregon City, but we do get occasionally deer in the roads, and sometimes possums, skunks, rabbits, and squirrels.

W.C.Camp said...

Recently I've noticed peds sauntering behind cars backing out in parking lots too??? Why are these people still alive if they insist on playing chicken with 3000 pound cars? W.C.C.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Yeah these people have a death wish waling in the middle of the road and behind cars that are reversing out of a parking spot or into a parking spot.........

Kymbo Whitford said...

Im not saying we should actually kill these people but how about we remove all the warning labels and let Nature take it's course?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I blame the Libertarians--the think they own the darn road because their tax dollars paid for it, dagnubbit.

wellfedfred said...

Could they be New Yorkers getting even for all the blocked sidewalks, jammed revolving doors, choked up subway stairs, delayed busses, etc etc brought on by people from a certain part of the country where there are Ms in the name of states and cities ?

Nah, New Yorkers don't travel like dat.

TexWisGirl said...

no respect for anyone. *sigh*