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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Maybe I'll Just Keep Wearing Skirts

“Acme Grommets and Napkin Dispensers, Pearl speaking.”

“Yes, I’d like to order four grommets and a napkin dispenser, please.”

“Who gave you this number?”

Mary laughs.  “You did.”

I mock-threaten her under my breath.  “You made me use a perfectly good greeting.”

“It was very nice,” she says.

There is a brief silence.

“So what’s up?”

“Oh,” she says.  “You know.  Thinking about slacks and all things pants-ly.”

We’ve discussed this before.  Me, I could be described, rather unflatteringly, I think, as being from the “pear” family:  small in the middle, thighs that say “hey, how ‘bout we slather some gravy on it?”  Mary, on the other hand, is more of an “apple”.  Larger waisted, slender-legged, Mary’s body type says “I won’t wear a half-top, but check out this crazy mini-skirt.”

Apple.  Pear.  Both body shapes are lovely if one is making a fruit salad, but notoriously difficult to buy pants for.

I nod.  “I’m down to four pairs of pants:  one has a stain I think might be some weird toothpaste mutation, one has a zipper that won’t stay up – causing me to look as if I’m scratching myself inappropriately – and two of them have a gap in the back meant, I believe, for grapefruit smuggling.

“I’m telling you,” I say.  “Shopping for new trousers is one of my least favorite things to do.

“A gal could get chafed,” she concedes. “We need to fight the power.  We need to join forces.”

The line goes dead as I stare out the window and consider joining a movement headed up by Mary. I swallow, square my shoulders.

“I’ll do it,” I say. 

“Excellent,” she says.  “Remember the 60s and the bra-burning movement?”

I frown.  “Not personally, no.”

She laughs.  “Are you sure?”

I puff up, false dignity firmly in place.  “I just acquired breasts last year.”

“Hmm,” she murmurs.  “So you did.  So you did.”

“Shaddap,” I say, pleasantly.

I can hear a smile creep over Mary’s face. “I want to burn our pants.” 

“Go on.”

“In a big pile, maybe in front of Macy’s.”

“Go on.”

“We’re gonna need a slogan or something, something we can shout at passers-by.”

There is silence.

“I know,” I say.  “How about one leg two leg zipper fly!  Shopping for pants can make me cry!”

“Nice,” she says.  “I was thinking, too.  How about: What do we want?  Pants!  When do we want them?  Now!  How much will we be willing to spend?  Not too much but we’re willing to pay for quality!”

Our grins slide along the telephone lines.  “I like it,” I say.  “There’s a certain arrhythmia going on that makes me happy.”

The line goes silent.

“OK,” Mary says.  “So we’re in agreement?”

I nod.  “Right.  Macy’s at noon.  Bring yer pants.”

The line goes silent again.

“We’re not really going to burn our pants, are we?” she says.

“No,” I say.

“Still,” she says.  “I feel better, don’t you?”

I smile.  “I do.”

“Have a good day,” she says.

“You, too,” I say.


vanilla said...

I like skirts. But then, I don't have to wear them.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Saggy bottoms,
Baggy knees,
I want pants
That fit me, please.

Pearl said...

vanilla, but you've got the legs!

Delores, I like that very much!

Lowandslow said...

Haha! This is hilarious. "...not too much, but we're willing to pay for quality." Catchy. ;)


Simply Suthern said...

You might reconsider still burning those in which you aquired swamp butt.

Leenie said...

I feel better just reading this. Thanks.

Shelly said...

Now that I'm retired, I find myself dafaulting more and more to yoga pants, hair pulled back, only earrings for decorations...pants just don't seem worth it anymore.

jenny_o said...

I hold on to well-fitting pants even after they can't be worn due to fading, stains or recalcitrant zippers. You just never know when there will be a nighttime emergency and they could possibly maybe perhaps be worn without their deficiencies being noticed but their silhouette and comfort being obvious.

I may be delusional, but I'm happy.

Eva Gallant said...

You and Mary have some wonderfully funny conversations!

Douglas said...

Not an issue for a guy (pay no attention to those Duluth Jeans ads!). Although the washing machine and the dryer, in their grand conspiratorial manner, shrink my jeans on a regular, weekly, basis there is no reason to assume the fault is with the pants and, besides, I have more than enough spares.

sage said...

You make me laugh and your title gives me hope for humanity!

River said...

ha ha @ Delores.
I'm an apple shape too, made more complicated by being short in a world where all pants legs are made to fit women with legs a good half metre longer than mine.

Indigo Roth said...

PearlyGirl! I could lend you a pair of mine, if you like. You and Mary both could get into them, no problem. Tho you may have to buy me dinner first. Indigo x

Buttons said...

I think you got something. B

Merlesworld said...

I have many pants in many different sizes in case I change I'm covered no matter what, a lot are marked the same size but whoever put the tags on was drunk or confused that day.

Launna said...

Thank you for your comment on my blog... lettersfromlaunna.blogspot.com

I love this dialogue between you and your friend Mary...

By the way, I am pear shaped... I have lost 3 and half inches off my waist and one inch of my hips... at this rate, I will have a balloon butt... lol

HermanTurnip said...

I once set fire to my clothes, but at the time I was stranded in the desert with a busted down car and was freezing to death. That's when I learned to not breath in the fumes from a burning pair of ski pants...

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Thanks for the laugh, I needed a good laugh this morning......I mean afternoon damn where has the morning gone.......oh well I love wearing skirts in summer and pants in winter one of the reasons I like different seasons

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

Why do pants (or trousers as we real speakers of English say)always shrink each year.

It's a conspiracy I tell you.

I blame Obama.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Ah well, y'see, this is one of the reasons I took to India... stunning clothes made for full comfort. And the baggier the pants or flouncier the sari the better!! I have River's issues regarding leg length. I can actually get away with wearing a pair of 'peddle pusher's as if they were the full job...8*0 YAM xx

Daisy said...

Sounds like a revolution to me!! :D