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Saturday, July 13, 2013

And A Tiny Kitty Shall Lead Them

“Pearl.  Pearl.

The room dark, the sound of my white noise machine pleasantly static-ing in the background, I have quite recently become aware of a weight on my chest and the sound of my name being whispered.

Am I dying?

I frown in my sleep.  “Yes, Lord?”

There is the sound of light, tinkling laughter, the strong scent of limes in the area just north of my face.  I open one eye.  “Liza Bean?  Why – Where – What time is it?”

She sighs.  More limes.  “Oh, Pearl,” she says, “does anyone really know what time it is?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, her tiny paws placed just so, is sitting atop my chest.   Symmetrically striped, meticulously groomed and possessor of both the World Record in the Domestic Mouse Dangle and a piece of the True Cross, she is no respecter of time.

I open both eyes.  “OK,” I say.  “Don’t tell me.  I don’t care.”

She adjusts herself, now occupying an even smaller amount of space than before.  “I just, uh, wanted to thank you for letting me use your car.”

My eyes widen.  “Oh, no.  What happened?”

Liza Bean’s eyes glint in the available light, the very essence of amused charm.  “What makes you think something happened?”

“Well for one thing,” I say, sitting up and pushing the kitty to the bed, “You used the word “uh” just a moment ago.”

Liza Bean straightens herself defensively.  “Can’t a kitty suffer a minor speech disfluency now and then?”

“Uhhhhh, you?” I say.  “No.”

“Sarcasm,” she says, scandalized, “is no substitute for wit.”

Oh, this is too much.  “You woke me up!  You know I don’t sleep, and now I’m awake at –“  I lean over, grab my cell phone from the night stand.  “3:22 a.m.!  I’ll never get back to sleep.  Ah, Liza, for cryin’ out loud, I’m doomed!”

I stop abruptly.  There is naught but the sound of white noise and a small, striped cat clearing her throat.

I’ve gone too far.


Liza Bean reaches back, casually licks her shoulder blade.  “We can forget it this time.”

The white noise machine hums.

“So what did you wake me for?  Surely not to thank me for the car.”

“Actually,” and here the cat glances rather anxiously, I think, toward the front door, “If anyone, say a policeman or some other uniformed authority figure , were to ask you where I was tonight, I can count on you to say we were here, together, all night, catching up on Dexter, yes?”

I sigh heavily, close my eyes.  “What happened.”

The cat chuckles, the sound of champagne being poured over ice.  “Well,” she says, “I’ve taken a stand against baggy-bottomed youngsters and their center-of-the-road-walking ways.”

I can’t help myself.  I open my eyes again, smiling broadly.  “You didn’t.”

Liza Bean raises a paw, licks it thoughtfully.  “I did.”  She places her paw carefully next to its counterpart.  “I tire of them, frankly.  They wouldn’t move, despite my request that they do so immediately, and so I handled it.”

She smiles.  “You know how every now and then you’ll see a pair of shoes strung over a telephone line in a bad neighborhood?”

I nod.

“Glance upwards on your way to the bus tomorrow morning,” she says.  “Three pairs of oversized drawers now festoon the lines.”

And with that, Liza Bean yawns, an elegant show of tiny, pointed teeth, and curls up next to me on the bed.

“We shan’t see them around here again,” she murmurs.

I run a hand down her soft, purring body.  “You should run for President, Liza Bean.”

Eyes closed, she smiles as she visibly drops off to sleep.  “I really should, shouldn’t I?”


vanilla said...

I can easily visualize Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, placing the drawers over the line, but how the heck did she get three of them off their occupants? Cheers, Liza Bean!

vanilla said...

I can easily visualize Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, placing the drawers over the line, but how the heck did she get three of them off their occupants? Cheers, Liza Bean!

Indigo Roth said...

Pearl! That's a fine cat-of-the-people you have there. No wonder you don't sleep. Roth x

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

The sound of champagne over ice...exactly how I would picture a cat's chuckle. Good for Liza Bean.

fishducky said...

She'd get my vote!!

goatman said...

I love the word "festoon". --- And "shant". You are a genius.

I hope you are doing this at work?!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
HAH! Kitties 87trillion. Droopy drawers negative ten. Love it. &*>

jenny_o said...

I am of the opposite mind to vanilla - I can easily picture LB getting the drawers off those miscreants, but throwing them up over the telephone line? Nope. Cats just can't throw. Catch ... yes. Throw ... sadly, no. Something about their shoulder joints. Or knuckles. I forget :)

Fun post. I always love your kitty musings.

sage said...

I had a cat a long time ago who, once she found herself sharing the bed with my wife, started to sleep up around my head. I woke up once with a dream of being on fire--as if I was in hell--and that stupid cat was sleeping across my neck... Luckily, she never liked cars!

Eva Gallant said...

But would you be willing to commit perjury if it comes to that? Liza Bean puts you in a precarious situation!

Daisy said...

Next thing you know she'll be shaking hands and kissing babies! :)

Sioux said...

Liza Bean performed a public service for all mankind. Good for her.

Now if she could go after women (usually misshapen ones) who think a visible thong (in the back) is a fashion accessory...

tiffany rose said...

Another of life's mysteries solved.

Gigi said...

Ahhh, Liza Bean! Saving the world from baggy-bottoms one pair at time. She is my hero.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Three cheers for Liza Bean. She performed a valuable service for society.

Leenie said...

Does anybody really know what time it is. Does anybody really care? I--don't care--about TIME. But Liza Bean's solutions to problems are superb.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Thank you for this great post it has made me feel good and of course it was so funny too

River said...

Ha Ha, scared the pants off them!

Simply Suthern said...

I suppose they wont be walking down the middle of the road anymore either.

Could loan her your car so she can come here and handle the ones that cross the road like geese.

Pat Tillett said...

This was a great one!
It sounds to me like she performed a public service and deserves your loyalty.