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Friday, June 14, 2013

The Traitorous Nature of Trousers

“My life is a travesty,” I moan. 

 “What’s that now?”

“My life.  It’s a hollow, meaningless farce marked by intermittent, brief glimmers of hope.”

“Yikes,” Mary says.  “That sounds serious.”

I shift the phone from one ear to the other.  “Guess what I did for lunch?”

Mary takes a breath.  In my experience, she does this every time she’s getting ready to mess with me.

“Let me think,” she says, with what is surely a smile on her face.  “You ate?  Pearl, did you eat for lunch?  No, wait.  I can do better than that.”  She laughs softly to herself.  “Gimme a minute.  Lemme think.”

“Mary –“ I warn.

She cackles over the line.  “Okay, okay,” she says.  “What did you do for lunch?”

I take a deep breath.  “I tried on pants.”

A hush goes over the line. 

“You didn’t.”

I nod. Surely she is nodding, too.

“Oh, Pearl,” she sighs.  “I am so sorry.”

“Fourteen pairs of pants, Mary.  Fourteen pairs of pants.”

“And you didn’t buy a one, did you?”


There’s a brief pause as we consider the heartbreak that pants-shopping can cause.

“Not to mention,” I say, having started a separate but parallel conversation in my head, “the pants I’m wearing today look like I pulled them out of the hamper.”

“Did you?”

“Pfft,” I say.  “You know I don’t do that anymore.” 

We laugh the laugh of people who have worn swimsuit bottoms as underwear.

“So, what then?” she says.  “Tell Mary about your current pants.”

I shake my head in disgust, something I’m sure transfers over the phone.  “You know those pants that look good when you put them on, nice and smooth, and they get baggier and baggier, get weirder throughout the day?”

“Yep,” she says.

“These are them.”  I glance down, pull at the fabric around my belly.  “These looked pretty sweet at 6:30 in the morning.”

“And now?” she asks.  “We talkin’ grapefruit smugglers here?”

“Yep,” I say.  “I look like an unmade bed.”

“Probably find a homeless guy sleeping in your lap later.”

I smile, snort into the receiver.  “There’s room for him now, I tell you whut.”

“Seriously, though,” she says.  “Pants be traitors.”

“You got that right.”

We smile a telephone-smile at each other.  “You feel better now?”

“You know,” I say, “I believe I do.”

“Well all right,” Mary says.  “Then my work here is done.”


Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Are they trying to be trendy? You know, shuffling below butt level? To display your gang allegiances and that nasty skid from the burrito? No? Good. Just checking. Roth x

Anonymous said...

Damn, I wore those yesterday!

Meeling said...

Droopy drawers. :( Lol!

Anonymous said...

I gots me a pair a those....yup.

Simply Suthern said...

I hate pants that continue to grow throughout the day like The Grinches heart on Christmas Eve.

They need a waistband made from Kevlar so it doesnt stretch out. And you get that little bit of comfort knowing your waistline is bulletproof.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Salwar ('hareem' pants) don't have this trouble. In case you need something that starts the way it will stay...:) YAM xx

bill lisleman said...

well at least they are one thing that looks sweeter at 6:30 AM. My mirror turns the other way when I look at it in morning.

Shelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelly said...

The only pants I like are jeans. That's why I wear mainly skirts and dresses. Most pants should be shot at dawn for their treachery.

Suldog said...

"... a hollow, meaningless farce marked by intermittent, brief glimmers of hope."

You have described every career path I've ever undertaken. And I so empathize (yes, men do it, too) with the line about swimwear as underwear.

jenny_o said...

Men, you can skip to the next comment. Only the ladies will relate to what I have to say. Hopefully.

As much as I must agree with you about pants shopping, it's got nothing on bra shopping. That's enough to drive a girl to drink.

That is all.

fmcgmccllc said...

Back when I had money and had to shop for work pants, if I found a pair that fit I bought 6 or 7 pair. Because pants are so damn hard to find. And then when that 2 inch zipper showed up I just went ballistic.

Douglas said...

As long as they are comfy when I sit down or squat and my voice does jump jump up a couple of octaves, my pants are just fine.

Al Penwasser said...

Pants CAN be traitors.
Exhibit A: Metal zipper meets "hurry to zip up."
You mean we shouldn't wear a bathing suit as underwear?
Is that wrong? Because, you know, I never knew that.
No zippers, at least.

Lo said...

I do not know what you and all these people are talking about. I have not sought a pair of pants that fit in about 35 years. If they fit when you are standing up, they sure as hell don't fit when you sit down, and since I spend most of my time sitting, it is crucial that they droop and sag when I am standing.
I do, however, understand the part about the bottoms of bathing suits.....sometimes one is just that desperate for something to cover one's ass.........

Susan Kane said...

God bless the Marys of this world, who can talk you down from a pants buying trip!

Judy said...

I have to admit, I have never worn pants that could be used to smuggle grapefruits...

Geo. said...

When I call them in the morning, my ugly pants attack me, my good pants hide. I am now indifferent to my pants. I put my hat on on leg at a time and hope for the best.

HermanTurnip said...

You can easily tell when I'm feeling down in the dumps when I start wandering the isles of the local Frys electronics store, convinced that "just one more computer" will certainly pick my spirits up. Seems the primitive part of my brain equates CPUs to happiness. WTF?

Daisy said...

“Probably find a homeless guy sleeping in your lap later.”

Ahahaha! :D

Gigi said...

Ahh Pearl! Not the trying on of pants! That's almost as bad as the trying on of bathing suits.

I feel your pain, I've been looking for the perfect pair of black pants for the past six months. Needless to say, my search has been fruitless.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

And this is why I only wear dresses and skirts. Pants are far too much trauma to pick out.

Pat Tillett said...

"We laugh the laugh of people who have worn swimsuit bottoms as underwear."
You have come up with some classic lines Pearl, this is one of the best.
Great post!

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Pants that look good when you put them on and then look shit a few hours later.............yeah I have some of them and hate the fact that they are so bloody comfy......other wise I wouldn't wear them as often as I do

River said...

I've given up on pants and now wear my pyjamas all day if I'm not going out. When I do have to go out, it's loose and baggy tracksuit bottoms.

Daisy said...

What Jenny said! I've tried for 65 years or so to find a comfortable bra. I'll wear any pants that will pass my hips.
Daisy's Barbara -- Daisy doesn't have this problem - thankfully, since she has about six tits.

Vapid Vixen said...

We should all be so lucky to have a Mary in our life.

Also, I've spent the first half of my day commando until I could get to the store on my lunch break to remedy the situation I put myself in by not doing the laundry when I should have.

More than once.

Ankur Anand said...

lovely :)

Diane Tolley said...

Oh, Pearl you make my day. You really do . . .
My daughter was bemoaning the pair of pants she recently bought. (Shops at the thrift stores because the new 'tight' jeans simply don't do it.) She says getting them on after a wash is like trying to force 10 pounds of cottage cheese into a 5 pound bag. Then, by the end of the day, there's plenty of room yet another 10 pounds. Sigh. We sooo know those pants.

Belle said...

I have a small waist and huge hips and short legs. Finding pants that fit isn't usually possible, I have to sew them in or out.

Jono said...

I'm all about the "comfort fit". I like 'em loose, but then they want to fall down. I'm probably old enough now to wear suspenders and not be laughed at too much.

SherilinR said...

Oy, Freakin pants! Can't live with 'em, can't go to work without 'em. Or maybe you can... have you tried it yet?