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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Battle of the Plastic Wraps; or Because Everyone Knows You Use the Crappy Stuff First!

A small, relatively bloodless skirmish is about to go down at my house. 

And it will be hermetically sealed.

Welcome, my friends, to the plastic-wrap wars.

“You bought generic plastic wrap?”  I wrinkle my nose at the box on the pantry shelf. 

Willie raises his eyebrows at me.  “What’s wrong with saving a couple cents?”  

“Nothing ,” I say, “if you’re into games.”  I open the box, where the plastic wrap has wound itself into a cylindrical IQ test. 

Having moved back home after 11 months of living on my own, I have made many such discoveries. 

Willie’s a fine man, don’t get me wrong, but like the chimneystack of pizza boxes and the un-named life forms found in the fridge shouting “equal pay for equal work”, some things may have gone undone in my absence.

 “So it doesn’t always cut off cleanly,” he says.

“Hmm,” I say.

“We can’t all buy the Saran Wrap,” he says defensively.

“For the extra 40 cents,” I say, “I freed myself of the hassle of looking for the end of a tattered bit of plastic wrap, time better spent driving the cats to their tap dancing lessons, or painting my nails.”

Willie frowns, walks away muttering, “You know dang well those cats don’t take tap dancing lessons.”

And so there are two rolls of plastic wrap at the house now:  a generic value-priced gremlin with an inaccurately placed metal ridge, resulting in an uneven tear; and the Saran Wrap, which tears as it should, each and every time.

Given that most of our leftovers are kept in Cool Whip containers, these things will last forever.

Or so the Germans would have you believe… 

Imagine, if you will, At-Home Pearl.  She enters the kitchen – as she is wont to do – in search of a snack.

Something light and fruity, she says to herself.

And there, on the table in the middle of the room, is the Saran Wrap.

I open the fridge, where Willie has wrapped his lunch for tomorrow.

“Willie?”

From the other room:  “Mmmmm?”

“Willie, have you been using the Saran Wrap?”

Silence.

I wait.

“I may have,” he says cautiously.

I walk into the living room.  “I’ve been using the crappy one.”

“Why would you do that,” he says, “when the other one works so much better?”


Why I oughta…





34 comments:

Indigo Roth said...

Hah! Shall I smite him, dearest?

Susan Williams said...

Don't be gettin' into my stash, Dude.

There are a few things in life, that, because they WORK, warrant a few extra pennies, as you and I well know.
Poor Willie.
He's doing a little remedial ed in food storage.
That kind of thing happens, in the culinary world.

Rosemarie Blackthorn said...

There are some things in life where you know paying a little bit extra makes all the difference.

Happy homecoming!
xxx

Simply Suthern said...

Some things I just cant do generic

Like Toilet paper and tools.

Eva Gallant said...

That is too funny! Reminds me of when Mr. Eva bought lo cal spaghetti; the box said, "Less calories per serving!" After examining the ingredients (which were identical to the regular spaghetti in the pantry) I found the low calorie secret: The lo cal spaghetti suggested 3 ozs. per serving while the regular used 4 ozs per serving! For that we paid an extra 37 cents!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Bury him with the crappy stuff.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Just give me good ol' folding paper. None of yer new-fangled tear off sucky stuff which adheres to everything but the object intended...

The horror moment was when a draught from the window ensured adherance over the entire respiratory area.

Paper. No murderous tendencies in paper.

Mitchell is Moving said...

No Saran Wrap around here. I've gotten used to using "the crappy stuff." Not happy about it, but inured to it.

Daisy said...

I bought some of the "crappy stuff" a few decades ago. It still sits in an outoftheway place in a forgotten drawer! I'll send it to you if you want more.....

Sioux said...

They hardly ever admit they're wrong (and you're right) but they'll ALWAYS use up your good plastic wrap.

Pearl, you should write an ad for Saran Wrap. This was hilarious. Cats. Commuters. Cars that are sheet. Now plastic wrap. Is there anything you can't tackle and make it funny?

jenny_o said...

Well, at least he learned that you were right. That may be the sole victory here. Use it, and use it often, to your benefit.

vanilla said...

In certain lines, one simply does not go for the generic. Ask the cats. They'll tell you the costly tuna, every time.

(I've gone so far as to toss the cheap plastic wrap.)

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Ha! I love this. Give me the name-brand stuff, too. And welcome home. I thought I detected hints of this before now; glad to get confirmation.

Douglas said...

And just what is wrong with wax paper and rubber bands, missy?

Joanne Noragon said...

Given the half life of plastic wrap, neither roll will be used in your life time. There is the possibility you will outlast him, use the crappy stuff up and get a good start on the Saran Wrap, however.

fishducky said...

I think I may be married to Willie!!

Jono said...

The doctors don't like the generic stuff either. It makes the stitching more difficult because the cuts are more jagged and shredded. It takes more time to clean the wound as well.

bill lisleman said...

remember that movie about green fried vegetables of some type? Don't wrap your self in Saran Wrap!

Silliyak said...

Phew you let slip about the tap dancing for the at ca's. Good thing he didn't believe you, but you need to watch thy tongue!

Buttons said...

I am a Saran Wrap kinda girl myself. :) B

Belle said...

I have stupidly bought cheap wrap myself and lived to regret it. Saran and Glad are the only ones to buy.

Gigi said...

Gah! Plastic wrap; the bane of my existence! I can NEVER get it to work right. But on second thought....that might be because Hubby is in charge of all things "kitchen-y" and I'm pretty certain he's buying the cheap stuff.

Jeanie said...

There is some saying about "the sweetness of cheapness"...I can't remember it all, but in the end it concludes that cheapness will bite you in the butt every time, but then you already knew that.

Jackie said...

Love this!
You write about things that I think about..and oftentimes never put to words.
You go girl!!

HermanTurnip said...

Saran Wrap, condiments, and chainsaws: Three things you should never buy from the generic aisle.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

HA! Life's too short to use crappy wrap.

Rose L said...

MEN!

Geo. said...

In a purely olfactory sense, nothing travels better than a tuna sandwich in waxpaper. Plastic has cruelly deodorized my world. What was the question again?

Murr Brewster said...

All those plastic wraps ball up on Dave's last nerve. He prefers a particular off-name brand "because it doesn't stick to ANYTHING."

River said...

Downunder we have Glad Wrap, cheap generic rubbishy wrap, and a couple of mid-price brands that work almost as well as Glad Wrap. I buy those unless the Glad Wrap is on special, then I'll get that. I say pretend the cheap wrap is empty and chuck it out. why suffer when you don't need to?

Pat Tillett said...

That was a great one Pearl!
We've had that issue in my house as well. Maybe not exactly the same, but close. I actually eat leftovers and my wife doesn't. You can figure out which one of us wants the saran wrap.

Tez said...

Loved this post.

I tried to give up all plastic for the sake of the environment for a month last year. I failed miserably! EVERYTHING is covered in plastic wrap these days. Still, it did wean me off plastic wrap and I save myself some money too.

Joan said...

Saran Wrap all the way, here in my house. Ha
Can't count the number of meals of soup we have gotten from my mother-in-law. All in cool whip containers. :)

Diane Tolley said...

I just can't get over the fact that he, obviously a man, uses it. Could he, maybe, give a class?