I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

In Defense of the Land Line

I stand in the center of the living room, rotate clockwise, then counterclockwise, briefly consider the nearly obsolete term “clockwise” and quickly dismiss it.

These sorts of thoughts are what have left me in this predicament in the first place. 

For I cannot find my phone.

Sumnabitch.

I have done roughly three million things in the last hour – a new record for me – one of which was to have a phone conversation.

I try to recollect the last of the conversation and cannot.  We said “good-bye”, I know that for sure.  And I had noted at the time, for some reason, that I had been on the phone for roughly 12 minutes.  I had recalled that one of my to-dos for the day was to iron the black pants that I would be wearing at a serving job later today…

And then: blank.

I look around the house.  I have been in every room since hanging up – another nearly obsolete term, now that I think of it – folding, straightening, washing, sweeping.  I have polished, tidied, disposed of and watered.  I have removed one cat from a load of laundry and the other from the interior of my purse, where she appeared to be scrounging for my car keys…

That lousy phone could be anywhere.

I need it to ring. Then I’ll find it.

I know, I think cleverly.  I’ll call Mary and ask her to call until I find it…

I have scarcely finished that thought when I am forced to give myself a figurative and much-deserved dope-slap to the forehead.

Good goin’ there, Fuzzy, I think to myself.  I should totally call Mary.  Now where’s my phone?

And so for the next half-hour I retrace my steps, go through storage bins, cupboards, cabinets, my purse, the hamper.

I ask the cat, who eyes me with such disdain that I find myself backing out of the room deferentially with promises of baklava later.

I think to myself, now if I were a phone, where would I be?  Hmm.  Not the beach.  Even if I wanted to go to the beach, would last year’s suit even –

And then the phone rings.

And I find it on the charger in the office.

Why I oughta…


27 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Imagine if you had no one to call you. That dang phone would be so charged up.... WHAT the heck was it doing where it belonged anyway?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
I was mighty relieved when that thing rang ... one of my little brothers here recently had his go missing.

It turned up when he went to iron the kurta top which had been through the 45 minute wash cycle and then been on the drying line in the Mumbai sun all day.

That's why I don't recommend pockets. &*>

jenny_o said...

The nerve of some bits of technology!

Actually, they all have that tendency, don't they?

I love how your mind meanders off the topic (see: beach thoughts).

Joanne Noragon said...

You need to give a cat a phone.

vanilla said...

Landline: Free money donation to the phone company. Thirty-eight bucks a month, one call. From insurance company to tell me how I could save money on medications. Well, you know, spend money to save money.

Roses said...

Oh man. Don't you hate it when that happens?

Eva Gallant said...

At least you didn't put it through the washer like I did....twice!

Jayne Martin said...

It's times like that I just want to stick hot pokers in my eyes. Once when I lost my phone in the house I actually posted my phone number on FB and asked "anyone" to please call. Meleah called and the phone was... well now I can't recall where it was, but I found it. :)

bill lisleman said...

Hey you found it and it was charged. Just think if it had died all alone behind the fridge or something.
Hey do I get baklava for reading and commenting?
Never hurts to ask I tell myself.

in the coop said...

I will now go quiz my children and make sure they know what clockwise means. It cannot go the way of typewriters and cursive!

Geo. said...

Telephones have changed. I grew up on a party line where several rural subscribers were wired in series and each had a different ring sequence. Gossip-lady on the corner would listen in on all my calls. Sometimes I heard her snoring. Everything since, no matter how hard to find in the house, is an improvement.

Gigi said...

Yeah, that reminds me...gotta get rid of that land line - I never use it. But then if my phone went missing how would I call myself?

ellen abbott said...

Oh, right, the charger. That would be the last place I would look.

Leenie said...

Heh, heh. When our brains start to live in their own world they never tell us where they've been. We still have one antique phone leashed to the wall with an antique twisty cord. I've though many times about upgrading--but at least we can still find it even when a Senior Moment becomes a Senior Episode.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

There are four land lines and two mobile phones in my house. On a good day, I can find two of them and one is attached to a wall. I will never give that one up.

Daisy said...

HA! I bet the cat put it there. :)

Suldog said...

I have read many scripts that say things such as, "Dial 555-1212 for further information!" Of course, nobody "dials" anything anymore.

And, just because I can never resist making myself look like the most Ludditish of Luddites, I have never owned a cell phone. I still have a landline. I believe I may be the only person IN Boston able to make such a claim. I am perversely proud.

HermanTurnip said...

You recalling conversations is much akin to me remembering names. Heck, often times as soon as somebody tells me their name I've already forgotten it.

And now that we know that Brad Pitt suffers from Face Blindness, I'm wondering if I suffer from a similar malady, only with names...

Rose L said...

I still have a land line with 2 phones upstairs at each end of the house and one downstairs. I don't always have my cell phone will me 24/7. When my cell phone decides to go on an excursion, I can call it from the land line and locate where it has settled. Plus, the police and paramedics told me that they can locate you with a land line and get to you fast in you are unable to talk or if child is calling for help and does not know address, but cannot do so by cell.
I will always have a land line.

Diane Tolley said...

Yep. Set my phone down a couple of years ago. Never did show up. Sigh.

Linda O'Connell said...

Can't tell you how many times I've found my glasses on my head and my phone in the wrong compartment of my purse as I go crazy searching.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Oh how I hate it when I can't find my phone, if it's the mobile then I use the house phone to ring it the house phone not so easy to lose as we have three of them one being a corded phone

River said...

See now, this is why you should be like me. Some people may find my lifestyle boring, tell me I'm a bit OCD even, but I can lay my hands on anything, any time, because all my things are always put back where they should be.

the walking man said...

I actually have a land line with a rotary dial--it takes calls but unfortunately the analog dial is useless. But I do have a cell phone and would have been most pleased to call you, but you're a modern girl and probably text everything and my cell phone doesn't text.


Just trying to keep the 20th century alive for another decade or two.

Daisy said...

Oh Pearl! I know how it is because I often can't find my phone! And I stand in the middle of the living room turning, turning! Then I discovered there must be a LOT of people like us, because "they" put a button on the base unit that will ring my wandering handset and call to me from under the pile of magazines, the bedroom, the bathroom, even the garden now that summer is here.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Ha! If I had a dollar for every time I've called myself to find my cell phone. It's crazy.

Pat Tillett said...

I guess you could emulate a land line and tie your phone to a table leg or something. Yeah?