I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Do It Yourself? No. Sometimes, No.


I read an article the other day about shifts in spending habits. Apparently there are some people in the U.S., even those with substantial holdings, who have cut back enough on going out for dinner, cut back on vacations, on general discretionary celebration and recreational spending, cut back enough to affect the incomes of those with the least amount of wiggle-room.

The move is toward a do-it-yourself vision of the future.

This got me thinking.

When you stop, say, having your silly and long-haired cat’s ass shaved (followed by a lovely bath, blow-dry and general puffery), what you’re effectively saying is, “Hey, Mr. Professional Cat’s-Ass Shaver, forget your rent and your groceries! I’m going to go against the natural order of things and shave my own fuzzy-butted animal!”

Now what kind of citizen would I be if I did that?

Ladies and Gentlemen! We must think of our bartenders, our waitresses, our tanning salons, our taxis! We must think of our florists, our bouncers and ticket-takers!

Look at the person next to you! Does he work on the weekend reshingling rooves? Does she pick up extra hours as a restaurant hostess?

Does she write chapbooks to pay for carpal tunnel surgery?

As a person whose labor is paid for by the hour, as corporate charwoman, as a banquet server, cleaning lady, painter of interiors, as a professional writer, I cannae sit idly by while my Working Class Fellows stand, ready to serve!

They can take our paychecks, but they can never take our freedom!!!

So!  I’m going out for a beer! No – two! Two beers! And dagnab it, people, I’m going to tip 20% – more if the server flirts with me!

Who’s with me?!!!


Now if you’ll excuse me, I have, uh, an appointment to make to have my cat groomed.

I am also quite serious about needing to sell chapbooks to pay for the carpal tunnel surgery I need.  Please see the header of my blog and consider buying my books.  They're small, they're goofy, and they'll come delivered to the address of your choice via the good ol' US Postal Service.

23 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Order the chapbooks people...you'll be glad you did.
So it's down to surgery now Pearl? Rats!!

Indigo Roth said...

PearlyGirl, I pledge to support florists in your neighbourhood x

BTW, in England we say "roofs", not "rooves". #differences

Indigo Roth said...

And as a purchaser of chapbooks in paper and electronic versions, may I say "buy these books!"

jabblog said...

Yes, support the service industry and definitely buy Pearl's books - they are gems:-) (and if she doesn't have the cts surgery she won't be able to write any more and she'll have to pay for the services of a typist)

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Oh Pearl - what a rousing call and well made. As a Scot, how can ah nae be wi' ye lass?

Now, I got both the books in e-format as US post don't come to India. A friend's birthday is about due and I think I just got the idea for a birthday present....

(That's a hint readers. These little stories are big on heart and fun. BUY PEARL'S CHAP-BOOKS!!!)

Continuing to send healing vibes your way, gal. YAM xxx

fmcgmccllc said...

I remember years ago there was a time I decided we were poor. I poured a glass of wine and decided I could cut the dog's hair myself. Big Daddy came home to me sitting on newspapers with a huge pile of poodle hair and an empty glass of wine. One of the dog'd ears never grew back properly, fear I think, so always a reminder of my meltdown.

fishducky said...

I have both of Pearl's books & THEY ARE FUNNY!! Buy them, people!!

jenny_o said...

I second - third - dang it - seventeenth- the exhortation to buy Pearl's books - they are excellent reading!

That was also an excellent link to the heinie-shaving post :)

Eva Gallant said...

Order those chap books! You'll love them; I did!

Eva Gallant said...

Order those chap books! You'll love them; I did!

Elephant's Child said...

Another boring - but heart-felt comment. Buy those books. For yourself and for friends.

Geo. said...

I don't know, as an autodidact by personal nature, I suspect I would learn things by shaving a cat's ass that I could learn in no other way. On the other hand it might be dangerous and I would hate to have to explain myself to whoever came to my rescue.

Leenie said...

If you didn't spend so much time at your keyboard entertaining your audience of twisted weirdos out here in blogland you probably wouldn't have so much trouble with your carpal tunnels. But as a long time member of the Pearly Fan Club and chapbook owner I selfishly crave your every post.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Pearl, pay attention, honey...seriously... you need to go to a CURVED keyboard. That will help your carpal tunnel syndrome. SERIOUSLY!!! Having to twist your wrists together on a narrow, straight keyboard is what causes CTS. Didn't I mention that to you before? What? You're STILL on that old straight keyboard?? If you're on a laptop, get a USB plugin keyboard.

Buy the books, people, Pearl is the funniest!

Rose L said...

and those poor people who work so hard giving us relaxing massages-I am all fro supporting them!

River said...

I'm sorry I can't buy your book Pearl, I'm a little ( a lot) low on funds myself. but if I win the lottery....oh wait, I'd have to buy a ticket first....hmm, there's that funds thing again. It's been a tough month. My daughter has a curved keyboard such as Raymond Alexander Kukkee recommended, she says it is fabulous and her wrists hurt a lot less. she gets ganglions on them.

sage said...

I must be a cruel inconsiderate man as I never had my cat's ass shaved. I'm surprised the "cat's ass shavers union" didn't report me to the SPCA... Oh well, my cat died 13 years ago, shortly before my daughter's asthma cleared up... But I'll tell you what, I'd settle for a 15% tip to have a chance to serve you beer and flirt with you.

Raised to be A Lert is a treasure! Buy it!

the walking man said...

UHH I fall under the category of fixed income with the possibility of the Emergency Manager of Detroit shaving my ass by 2/5's.

BUT Carpal Tunnel is a work related syndrome especially if you type a lot at work. (Home typing or typing your blog at work doesn't count) therefore you are to go to work tomorrow and say to your boss "Boss ol buddy ol' pal I think I need to go to the clinic for the X months my hands and fingers have been going numb (and whatever other symptoms yours presents---I let mine go so long every time I ran an air tool my hands would cramp and pinch off the three nerves running to the hand through the Carpal Tunnel), get a diagnosis of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome work related and let workmans comp pay for the surgery.

Now I know one person had one hand done and sucked that W/C claim dry for 18 months. I had both hands done and was back to work in under 90 days. Of course this was a few years before I broke my back at work an injury I never returned to work from.

Now barring that W/C claim lightly wrap your ELBOW at night while you sleep this will keep the arm somewhat straight and relieve the pressure on the tissue inside the carpal tunnel.

icing (not frosting) your wrists will also give you some temporary relief.

Linda O'Connell said...

Fuzzy cat's ass shaver...I've now heard it all, funny girl.

Diane Tolley said...

We shave our own fuzzy butts, I have to admit. But I do pay to have myself groomed. Does that count?

Daisy said...

Sorry to hear that surgery is going to be necessary. :(

Hurray for Pearl, champion of all those hard-working citizens.

Pat Tillett said...

I'm with you! Your cats are smart. So why can't they shave their own asses?

Pat Tillett said...

BTW...
You are absolutely right about people who cut back when they really don't need to, hurting other people.