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Thursday, May 9, 2013

Stick THAT in Your Funk and Wagnalls



As a lover of words of all sizes, levels of subtlety, and countries of origin, I’d like to speak to you on behalf of the Citizens for Creativity in Cursing.

I’m a fan of cursing. Not just your standard, four-letter scatological words, crude words spoken without thought, words used by the drunken, the lazy, or the uninspired.

Why limit yourself to four letters?

There is, arguably, a time for drunken, lazy, uninspired and clich├ęd curse words. I personally find myself drunk, lazy and uninspired at least once a month and have relied on them at various points in my life.

When I pumped gas for a living? Four-letter-word dependent.

When I washed dishes for a living? Again, four-letter-word dependent.

But when I’m not drunk, lazy, uninspired or working for minimum wage, I am thinking about words and the words I use. And monkeys.

Words and monkeys.

So I’ve been thinking about curses and curse words.

I mean, what kind of non-crack-smoking, rent-paying, rectum-clenching mouth-breather would I be if I weren’t concerned about the things that go into my daily life the way words do?

Take the guy on the bus on the way home Wednesday. This baggy-pants-wearin’, ghetto-fashioned bozo slouched so as to take up both seats. On a packed bus, this Snoop-Dogg-emulating Dollar-Menu-splurging pustule lay insolently across a seat meant to accommodate two.

Now would a four-letter word do him justice? I think not.

We owe it to ourselves to develop a more descriptive way of communication.

Can the CCC count on your support? They demand no less of us.



p.s. I sat with him, He of the Insolent Manner. Oh, yes, I did. “Move over there, sweetie, would ya?” He was shocked into compliance.

Mwa ha ha ha haaaaaa.

32 comments:

Indigo Roth said...

Well darnflabbit, ya big horndolescent. Thank you kindly for colouring up our frangjibbeting day with your fluent Cuss.

Pat said...

I'd love to be able to do that but fear I lack the sang froid.
That's exactly what I need more of.

sage said...

You are so creative! For everything, there is a time and a season...

Pearl said...

Even thugs need love. :-)

savannah said...

“Move over there, sweetie, would ya?”

ah, the implied curse is always so much more disarming, sugar! well done, sweet pea, very well done! xoxoxoxox

Shelly said...

Back in the olden days, I was more fluent in Spanish cursing than English.

Leenie said...

Calling a stale-mouthed, perspiration stained, corpulent ruffian a "sweetie" would so put him off balance. A CCC Ninja move. I offer my congratulations and admiration.

joeh said...

Well played Pearl...well played.

There was an old commercial for I forget what but they used my favorite curse volly,

"Prigatorshapep!"

haphazardlife said...

I totally support and will always support the CCC.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
oooohhhhh Sweeetttiiiieee! I cuss in cursive - like this see **#((*@&*$)$&*. Difficult to pronounce I know. But so therapeutic.

Then again there's Hindi. Salleehhhh! He'd be forgiven for thinking you were calling him a girl's name. Instead you're calling him the dog's brother-in-law. This is apparently highly offensive.

I leave it with ya. YAM :-> xx

Eva Gallant said...

I love your testicles! Not in a sexual way, but that was a ballsy move!!!

jabblog said...

Oh yes, sign me up - cursing can be so unimaginative.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

So let me see if I have this right....you would call a bulbous cellulite ridden lump of humanity spilling over the tops of everything they have on....a....muffin? or a dumpling? Gather some of that fat up there dumpling and make room for someone else. I think I get it and I definitely support the CCC both on and off the bus.

jenny_o said...

Leenie beat me to it - Sweetie is definitely a subversive cuss word of the ninja variety :)

You got moxie, girl!

Daisy said...

Oh Pearl! I love you! :-D

I visited a friend of mine who was studying for church ministry and learning Latin. We practiced her skills by learning our favourite cuss words in that language!

Jacquelineand.... said...

You are now my hero, (or would that be shero?)sadly unsung...my vocal cords are out of tune.

wellfedfred said...

Arbalest!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Hell, yes! I support the CCC!

xoRobyn

Diane Tolley said...

As a founding member of the CCC here in Edmonton, Alberta, I salute you, dear sister in the cause!

Daisy said...

Crumb knuckles and son of a monkey are two I use. They aren't particularly creative, but they're mine! :D

Thanks for making me laugh, Pearl.

The Savage said...

Well F--kleberries and cream...

Kana said...

I love to pair underused voacbulary words with swearwords; for as long as you can demonstrate your grandiloquence, swearing does not necessarily have to imply a limited imagination. My favorite usage so far is "lackadaisical motherfucker." Don't know how it suits your boy there, you'd be the best judge, but it sure scandalised my original recipient.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Makes me think of Chevy Chase's rant about his boss in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

lime said...

oh, i quite agree. i mean i am not averse to a good anglo-saxon curse exploding from my lips but a really creative expletive has its own pleasure. the festering boils on the buttocks of humanity need to know clearly what we think of them.

Al Penwasser said...

Speaking of scatological....
I remember a comment that one of the nuns wrote on my report card: "Al has a scatological sense of humor."
Boy, when I got home and found a dictionary, I was seriously hacked off.
Effin' nun.

Gigi said...

All you needed to do was add "Bless your heart..." to your statement and you have mastered the art of Southern implied criticism.

HermanTurnip said...

I, too, used to have a love affair with cursing. But now that I'm older, wiser (*cough*cough*yeahright), married, and with a kid, the worst cursing you'll hear from me these days (and my current favorite word-of-despair) is "Criminey!" I don't know where I picked up that word, but it fits me like a warm blanket in times of stress.

Elephant's Child said...

'sweetie'. I love it. He is probably still in shock. I hope the festering pus-wart is still in shock.

Roses said...

I hang my head in shame for my language is boring.

I will endeavour to widen my horizons.

River said...

"rectum-clenching mouth-breather".
I had several customers who fit that description, i swear if you got too close, their breath could kill you.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

Bloody buggery bollocks is my swear of choice. I like to go a bit British when I'm being foul mouthed.

the walking man said...

so you accomplished with sugar what i would have done with my probably far bigger ass than yours when I would have just plopped down in his ghetto rat ass lap. Some people don't deserve words.