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Thursday, May 2, 2013

So A Bear Walks Into A Party...


And now, as previously alluded to, the story of Mary and the bear.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” she says.

“Rahr?”

“Sorry,” Mary says. “It’s nothing personal. We just don’t allow bears in the living room.”

And it was true. Mary and Jon don't normally allow bears in the house at all, but over there, hogging the stereo, there was no bout a doubt it, as my father likes to say. That guy was definitely a bear; and frankly, he’d pretty much worn out his welcome.

I mean, a whole hour’s worth of Zeppelin?

MAN. Just what year did this guy go to sleep, anyway?

“ROWR!” shouts the bear. “RRRRar ar arrr rawr.”

“Oh, I hear ya, buddy,” she says, “I fell off a bar stool once and they practically threw me into the parking lot.” She comes as close as she can to putting her arm around him, tries to steer him toward the door. “This is not that, so don’t get the wrong idea. I mean, hell, I don’t care how much you’ve had to drink, either, but you see that guy over there?”

Mary points across the party to Jon, who is busy drawing a diagram of the firing sequence for a 2004 Saturn on an eviscerated paper bag.

“Rahr?” the bear says cautiously.

“Welllll,” she says, bobbing her head and grimacing slightly, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but Jon’s not down with people and animals drinking from the same cup, if ya know what I mean.”

“Rahr rahr-rahr,” the bear points out.

Mary holds up her hands. “The dog’s different,” she says. “T-Bone lives with us.”

“ROWR!”

“I am not!,” she shouts, her Irish up. “I got a wild side just like everyone else! But this is for your own good, buddy! Time to go!”

And with that, she reaches into her jacket, pulls out one of those plastic, bear-shaped honey dispensers.

“ROWR!” The bear rears up on his hind legs, opens his mouth and "ROWR"s loudly. The party stops, momentarily, all faces on the bear.

How was Mary to have known that the bears find those honey containers offensive?

“ROWR! RAAAHR AAR!” The bear heads toward the fridge, no doubt to snag yet another of the pale ales he’s been stealing from me all night.

“Mary?” Jon calls.

She waves him off, irritably. “I got this,” she says. “You just go back to drawing whatever…” she trails off as she heads into the kitchen.

“Br’er Bear, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” She grabs my pack of cigarettes off the table, lights it and blows the hit toward the bear. They hate that, you know. “You start heading toward the exit or I’ll be forced to put some cigarette-cherry shaped dents in that nice spring-time coat you’re workin’ on.”

The bear looks down at his belly, how fine his new coat is coming in, looks back up. “Rahr rahr-rahr rahr?”

“Sure,” Mary says. She turns to me. “You don’t care, do ya? If he takes one for the road?”

I shake my head wearily and hold out a pack of Camel Lights.

MAN but I hate when bears come to parties.

29 comments:

That gentleman's lady said...

Me too, but I've never thought to make holes in one. Respect ;)

Eva Gallant said...

This had a familiar ring, but I still loved it.

Pearl said...

That gentleman's lady, so nice to see you again, my dear. :-)

Eva, yep. Still working on NOT having to have surgery on my hands.
It's hard being so limited!

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Lucky it was only a bear I guess. It could have been a long-haired, pot-bellied, tattoed and bandanaed, Hogster-riding Vietnamese Pig.

Biggest pet rort in history - mini pigs that outgrow the 6-pack.

I'll take a bear any time.

BTW - kudos to Mary... ! YAM xx

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Bears can be tricky customers. This one was a bit of a hayseed tho, and between you and I, not that bright. Definitely not Fortune 100 CEO material. And in no way related to Bear, from my blog. He's a gent, and would have had Mary giggling and tugging at her hair. Roth x

jabblog said...

Well, I guess you might be pretty honoured to have a real live bear come to your party - but it is a bind when guests filch all the hooch!

jenny_o said...

I feel I likely know just about everything that's important to know about bears now. Bear-ology, if you will. The internets are so educational!

joeh said...

Your Bear is as funny as "Soupy" Sales' "White Fang!"

Shelly said...

Somehow, this brought back all kinds of memories of Grizzly Adams.

Sioux said...

It's hard to bear their presence, isn't it...

The Savage said...

I wonder if "bear speak" is the basis for Wookie talk?

Diane Tolley said...

Mary's stock just went up a notch. Firm but final. Could I borrow her for my next party? We have a group of apes . . .

Kana said...

Moose are our biggest party-crashers...you have not been sneered at until you've been sneered at by a moose.

Mr. Charleston said...

Have you heard the song "Bears" by Lyle Lovett? ... "So meet a bear and take him on out to lunch with you, even though your friends may stop and stare. Just remember that there's a bear there in the bunch with you. And they just don't come no better than a bear."

Pat Tillett said...

Funny stuff Pearl! Darn bear crashes the party and has the nerve to ask for "one for the road" when he's being kicked out...

bill lisleman said...

I was a little worried until I learned the bear loved Zeppelin. Only the Grateful Dead could have been better.

Jacquelineand.... said...

At least he wasn't listening to Tammy Wynette? Those bears are the worst...

sage said...

Just what have you been smoking? This is great writing, by the way! Thanks for the laugh.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Next party, you'll have to put some honey ale into the fridge, just in case he stops by again.

Lorna said...

Ants crash picnics all the time.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

That sounds unbearable.

HermanTurnip said...

I had a neighbor like this once. Always acted decent enough around me, but was always coming over to bum a beer, my tools, a DVD here and there. Dude finally moved away (and when I say "moved" I mean "arrested for assault on another neighbor") I never got any of that stuff back.

Come to think of it, I'd rather have that bear as a neighbor than that lousy excuse for a human.

HermanTurnip said...

I had a neighbor like this once. Always acted decent enough around me, but was always coming over to bum a beer, my tools, a DVD here and there. Dude finally moved away (and when I say "moved" I mean "arrested for assault on another neighbor") I never got any of that stuff back.

Come to think of it, I'd rather have that bear as a neighbor than that lousy excuse for a human.

Lucy Corrander at Loose and Leafy said...

Aphids don't go down too well either.

River said...

That Mary does have a way about her.

Daisy said...

Honestly, bears can be so rude!! :)


I hope your wrists heal soon.

wellfedfred said...

the bear, the bear, and the maiden fair....

Rose L said...

LOL
I quit wondering about your sanity long ago!

Anonymous said...

When I initially left a comment I appear to have clicked on the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and
now every time a comment is added I get four emails
with the exact same comment. There has to be a means you are
able to remove me from that service? Thanks a lot!


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