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Friday, May 31, 2013

If I Have One Mousie, and You Have One Mousie...



You know Liza Bean, don’t you? Small-pawed and sharp-eyed, Liza Bean came to me by way of my mother.

“Next time you come up,” my mother had said, “I’ve got a cat for you.”

“Mom, I don’t need a cat.”

“You don’t need a cat,” she said. “You need this cat.”

And dagnabit, the woman was right again. Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is a tiny cat, a delicate cat, a stalker of string and lapper of cream. Mysteriously materializing on your lap, Liza Bean is one of those cats that make you think ‘you know, maybe I should get a cat…’

And then she steals your car.

Granted, she returns it with a full tank, which is no small thing at the current per-gallon prices, but at what cost the horror of finding half-eaten moths in the glove compartment?

Why are they in the glove compartment? And why doesn’t she just eat the whole thing?

And now, taking advantage of some I’m-running-out-of-money-and-need-to-get-back-to-work government program or another, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) has enrolled in school.

“What does this mean, though?” I ask her. “Does this mean I won't find your fuzzy butt soaking up any available pool of sun on the floor anymore?”

Liza Bean, her back leg stretched out before her, thoughtfully pulls at one of her hind claws with her teeth. “I’m thure,” she says, her mouth full, “that I don’t know what you’re inthinuating.”

“I’m insinuating that you can barely be counted on to cover your own, shall we say, leavings, let alone get up and go to school every day.”

Liza Bean’s eyes widen – and then narrow – in shock. She lowers her leg delicately. “Such talk,” she scolds. 

“OK, well, I’m sorry,” I say. She is right – when did I become so thoughtless? “So what did you sign up for?  What’s the plan?”

Liza Bean yawns in an exaggerated show of teeth, whiskers reaching for the walls. “Accounting.”

I stare at her.

She yawns again, the hint of a smile playing across her tiny black lips. She regards me cool-ly, deigns to elaborate. “You know. Accounting: you have two mice and I have one mice and how many of the legs will we be forced to eat to ensure we’ve both had enough for dinner?”

Now it is my turn to squint. “That sounds nauseating.”

She closes her eyes and smiles in a disturbing fashion. “Yes.”

“You’re playing with me, aren’t you?”

Eyes still closed, smile still on her lips: “Yes.”

“Are you going to tell me what classes you’re taking?”

Eyes still closed, smile disappears: “No.”

Moments later, there is the sound of light snoring.

I’ve been dismissed.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is no longer taking questions.

Dang cat.

21 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Accounting would come in handy if she were planning on becoming a bookie.
You do paint a picture Pearl. I can just see the position..rear leg forward, teeth pulling on claws.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! I'd dismiss this out of hand, but I know for a fact that Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) recently planned to assume "Generalissima" duties over a small Central American republic with a Balance-Of-Moths-Surplus. True story. Roth x

Eva Gallant said...

I never tire of your cattailes (whoops! cat tales!)

Simply Suthern said...

If you have two cats and any mousies somebody aint doing their job.

Elizabeth Rose Stanton said...

Dang wonderful cat. I have one just like her. Maybe some of the Biteys made it out west and they're cousins.

Mr. Charleston said...

Seems to me Liza Bean is of the family Cheshire. You know, the kind you want to strangle all the while adoring her.

joeh said...

And THIS is why I keep coming back!

Sioux said...

You're entirely too nosey when it comes to Liza Bean Bitey. THAT is why she plays with you.

jenny_o said...

All I know is I hope she never takes hairdressing. She's got too many pointy bits in her weapon kit already.

Joanne Noragon said...

I remember when your mother gave you Liza Bean. I wonder why?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
ohhh that Liza Bean, ever the clown. Accountants are the sort of clowns who know how to make money, so maybe this ought to be encouraged?

Just a thought. YAM xx

Geo. said...

Beautiful, Pearl! Cats are composed entirely of recursive algorithms that double back on themselves. They might be doing all the accounting already.

Leenie said...

I love the wisdom of a cat.

You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.

Suldog said...

I don't know her as well as you do, but I have a feeling that if she takes writing courses, you should somehow protect yourself against plagiarism.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I have awarded you an award. Check out thefeatherednest to collect it.

Elephant's Child said...

If I have one mousie, and you have one mousie, we may have a breeding pair - unless Liza B gets to them. (Or they are same sex mousies of course.)

sage said...

I should write about my cat someday, but she wasn't anything like yours... but she loved me and was very upset when I was no longer single and even more so when children came along and finally she died (at 15) and the breathing problems with the youngest cleared up and I got a dog...

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

I loved this post..............

River said...

I'm not at all sure mouse legs would be very filling no matter how many you eat.
Have I mentioned that I loove Liza?

The Wicked Writer said...

I love the story, thank you so much for posting.

Daisy said...

I'd rather not have any mousies at all, thank you very much! :D

She is quite the mysterious one.

Happy weekend to you, Pearl. Thank you for making me smile.