I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Part III: Wherein the Cat Plot Thickens


Have you read Parts I and II?  Go back to yesterday, and the day before that.  Go on!  We’ll wait…

I arrive at Psycho Suzi’s less than an hour later.

By that time, the cats are just plain drunk.

Pearl!  And there they are, Liza Bean and her cronies.  Squeak Toy, the all-cat band out of Northeast leans against the rail of the deck overlooking the Mississippi River.  Pupples McBean has a paw on Woof’s shoulder, whispering things punctuated by guffaws. Kitty and Mac Daddy Tortoise are flicking ice cubes at an irritable dog lying under a table.

The waitresses, of course, are ecstatic.  While a bar full of cats is hard work – their habit of smashing glasses following a toast, for example, requires more sweeping than is normally necessary in an evening – their habit of over-tipping makes up for it.  Tattooed, fishstocking-ed Betty Paige lookalikes run between the outdoor deck and the bar, visions of bulging apron pockets at the end of the night swirling between their ears.

“Where’s Dolly?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small, symmetrically striped cat with a taste for the good life, beams up at me.  “Pearl!”

“Where’s Dolly?” I repeat.

Liza Bean grins the grin of the pleasantly inebriated.  “Dolly?  Hmm.  I –“

“You haven’t heard from her?”

Liza Bean reaches under her collar – a pink camouflage bit of silliness ringed with pink zircon – and pulls out a cell phone.

“Nope,” she says, inspecting the screen.  “No – hic! – messages.”

I am about to give Liza the sharp edge of my tongue when Pupples McBean sidles up to her.

“You ready to go?”

I look from him to her and back again.  “Ready to go?”

He nods frantically.  Pupples is a small, nervous cat with a habit of running a claw under his collar, jutting his jaw out and shaking his head from side to side.  I am momentarily distracted by the thought that he probably grew up watching a lot of Art Carney.

“Spoken word,” he jabbers,the claw under his collar working from one edge of his jaw to another.  “Spoken word up at The Nip and The Saucer.  D. Gee Squeaking is performing!  Are you coming?  You should come!  Gotta go!  The taxis are here!  Gotta go!”

I look at Liza Bean.  “D. Gee Squeaking?”

She grins. 

Looks like I’m sharing a taxi with a bunch of cats.

24 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

A cats grin is an unsettling thing. Makes you think they know something you don't. A nervous cat.....well that's simply unhinging.

fishducky said...

I like Dolly's stage name. Her lisp should prove endearing when she sings (or strips)!!

Ray Denzel said...

I want whatever you are having!

Joanne Noragon said...

Please stay sober; we want to hear the end.

jenny_o said...

Fishducky - hahaha!

Pearl, I hope you brought your lint roller. You'll need it after that taxi ride :)

Perpetua said...

Tell me you didn't pay for the taxi, Pearl.....

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Dolly's going to be squeaking? Gee. To think I was nearly ready to put up the ransom money. Silly YAM-aunty.

And I'd never trust a cat called pup...(ples, notwithstanding).
#-}

goatman said...

Wow,A treasures trove of catnames here to select from, were one in need. Indeed, only 1 do I have -- misnamed as "Zippy". (Needs to be "Drowsy".)
Is there a registry for changing kitty names? Yeah, where?

savannah said...

dang, girlie, but y'all are B.R.A.V.E. a WHOLE taxi full of cats???? and lit ones, too? xoxoxox

Eva Gallant said...

this series is brilliant! Can't wait to read what happens next!

Jackie said...

I'll be rolling this one out on my Kindle...
Hugs,
J.

Jocelyn said...

I'm trying to imagine if her cell phone has a cover, and if so, what it looks like...

Daisy said...

I bet that's going to be one wild taxi ride!!

The Savage said...

I'm surprised you aren't CATatonic right now....

Gigi said...

Oh Dolly! What have you gotten yourself into?

Gigi said...

Oh Dolly! What have you gotten yourself into?

Kana said...

Oho - coincidence? I think NOT! The game is apaw!

HermanTurnip said...

The mere mention of Art Carney earned you my instant respect. And hey, next time you're out with the cats give me a shout. Would gladly serve as the designated driver, especially on spoken word night! Heh...

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

When a cat grins at you, you know to be on your gaurd.......

River said...

I'm suddenly seeing Dolly Gee in a whole new light.

Elephant's Child said...

I am very suspicious. And do hope that Dolly G at least gets cigarette money from her gig. And where is your car Pearl? Hmm?

vanilla said...

Dolly has a gig? How exciting! Pearl not going to be able to keep up with those Cats.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I knew they were into fishnets. Just knew it.

Diane Tolley said...

To quote Freud, "Time spent with cats is never wasted". I'm adding my own addendum. "Even when the cats are."