I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Part II: Do You Mind if I Leave Work Early? My Cat’s on a Bender.


Part I was yesterday.  Haven't read it?  Go ahead!  We'll wait right here...


“Good morning, Acme Grommets and Gravel, a Global Overseer Company, Pearl speaking, can I help you?”

“Hello, ma’am.  May I speak to Pearl?”

“This is her.”

“Yes, ma’am, this is Sandy calling from Visa.  We’ve noticed some unusual activity on your credit card this afternoon and we thought we’d give you a call to alert you and confirm that these are acceptable charges?”

I brace myself.  I had borrowed my car to the cats earlier in the day.  I can only imagine that the charges have something to do with their “brunch”. 

I sigh.  “Hit me,” I say.

“Yes, ma’am.  We have a charge of $150 at World o’ String?”

I look around the office that I share with four other people.  They lead normal lives, ones in which their cats don’t go binge-shopping with their credit cards.  “What else?”

“$114 at Puss in Boots?”

“Puss in Boots?”

“Yes, ma’am.  Says here it’s “entertainment for mature cats”?”

I close my eyes.  “And?”

“$148 at The Nip and the Saucer?  Says here “discerning beverages for discerning felines.”

I keep my eyes closed.

That dang cat.

“I accept these charges,” I say.

Dang human. 

Ten minutes later, I get another call.  The display on my work phone reads “LBB of the Mpls Bytyz”.

“Hello,” I say flatly.

“Now is that any way to answer your – hic – phone?  Give me the full greeting.  C’mon, Pearl!”

A clamor of voices rises:  C’mon, Pearlie!  Give us the full greeting!

I frown.  “Am I on speakerphone?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, chuckles softly.  A cat with a frozen squirrel in the deep freeze (“One never knows when company may stop by”), a golf club purportedly used by John F. Kennedy to chase a chipmunk out of the White House, and an honorary degree in Organizational Psychology, this is not the first time that she’s caught me unaware on the speakerphone.

Pearl!” she laughs.  “Pearl, can you hear me now?”

I sigh.  “Oh, I hear you.”

“You should – hic – you should – hic – you should come down here!”

Liza Bean is shouting in the phone over what may be, from the sounds of it, a full contingency of cats.

“Where are you?”

“We’re at Psycho Suzi’s!  Waitress!

“Out on the deck?”

“Oh, Pearl, it’s a beautiful day.  Just a beautiful day. The sun is – hey, where’s Dolly?

A half-dozen voices rise up: I don’t know – Dolly who? – I thought she was with you – did we leave her in the trunk? – where’s my drink?

“Holy Hannah, Liza Bean!  What did you do with Dolly Gee?”

Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, is Liza Bean’s opposite.  A long-haired Siamese/Tabby mix, she is a sturdily built cat with an affinity for playing cards, crunchy kibble, and Patsy Cline.  She is a simple cat with simple needs, one of which is taking unwarranted swipes at Liza Bean whilst she sleeps.

Dolly Gee once jumped for the couch and missed. 

Liza Bean has never let her forget it.

“Look, Pearl, I’m going to have to let you go – ooh, thank you, sweetheart.  Here’s a little something for your efforts!

“Another gin and tonic?” I say.  “Where’s Dolly?”

“Hmmm?  Oh, Dolly.  Yes.  Hmm.  Well, I’ll make a couple calls.  I’m sure she’s around here someplace…” 

“I’m coming down there,” I say.  “There’s a bus in 20 minutes.  Don’t go anywhere!”

22 comments:

Douglas said...

It could be worse, your cat could be in the blender.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM'
oohhh noooo I just knew yesterday that Dolly Gee was in for some trubs. Hurry up Pearl!!!! 20 minutes is way too long...

Not to mention 20 hours! It'll spoil my Sunday till I know that girl has been found safe and sound.

Eva Gallant said...

You may want to call a cab and beat the bus! this sounds like a situation that warrants it!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Dolly is probably still at the World 'O String.

Jackie said...

Love your writing...

jenny_o said...

In the trunk? IN THE TRUNK??

OMG, Pearl, break out those sneakers we know you have stashed in the bottom drawer next to the kettle and the George Foreman mini-grill - and RUN!!

Jeanie said...

I don't want to worry your, but our dog Dodger stumbled home very late last night with a strange look on his face, mumbling something that sounded a whole lot like "Hello Dolly".

Perpetua said...

Next time, Pearl, just declare your Visa card stolen. That'd larn her! Hope Dolly makes it home safe....

Joanne Noragon said...

I thought so. She wanted you more involved in their lives. Too bad she doesn't give a hoot you supply the limes. And really too bad she misplaced Dolly.

Birdie said...

I think you have helped me discover a cat that is worse than my Ungrateful Bastard.

Susan Kane said...

I think Liza Bean is due for an intervention.

KathyB. said...

Please do NOT introduce Liza Jean to my Blizzard...

Hilarious, but then I can say that because they aren't partying with my credit card.

Daisy said...

Wow, when she parties, she does it up right! :-)

Merlesworld said...

I have 5 cats but they are not allowed to read the blog they might get ideas.
Merle....

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Cats.........lol my husband would think a cat in a blender would be great

Diane Tolley said...

Dolly'll never go away again . . .

Elephant's Child said...

'Unwarranted swipes'? Come on Pearl, tell me you don't believe that. Or has Liza Bean's spin doctor got to you?

George Turnbull said...

Dolly Gee is missing?

OMG!

Oh well, look on the bright side ... LBB is gonna have your credits cards all to herself for a while!

If'n your lookin' to form a search party, Clover (Labrador, failed) has volunteered her services.

Her nose couldn't sniff out her own arse but, as she put it, she needs a holiday and my credit cards are maxed-out.

River said...

Please rescue Dolly Gee before you lock up the credit card. And I think Liza Bean should be made to clean out the car.

Suldog said...

OMG. I went back and read the first part, then expected denouement, resolution, climax, and other words sometimes associated with the end of something. Instead, I am left hanging. It is testament to my good will (as well as your writing prowess, of course) that I will make the trip back here.

vanilla said...

That Cat is going to drink you out of house and home...

Jocelyn said...

World O' String and Puss in Boots? My day is made.