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Saturday, April 6, 2013

Next Thing You Know, There's a Guy with a Hook for a Hand at the Front Door...


I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in my sleep patterns, and I think you should know about it.

Here it is: Every night, I wake up at 3:06. Every single night.

Of course it’s to use the bathroom; and I’ve come to terms with that.

What amazes me, though, is that it’s always at 3:06. Always.

Twenty-five years ago, this would’ve wigged me right out. I would have already fashioned some either horribly gory tale about the dreadful murders that took place in my house at exactly 3:06 or a poignant tale of unrequited love that, well, somehow involves the numbers three-oh-six.

I haven’t quite worked that one out yet.

And why? Because I’m a silly, gullible American made permanently irrational and superstitious by years of crap Hollywood movies, that’s why.

Dead people coming to life after they’ve been drowned/burned/thrown out of airplanes/blown into space? Well how else are we going to milk this to a sequel? Places everybody! The producers have a boat payment to make!

People leaping out of ridiculously improbable locations? Hey! Who doesn’t have something bursting through the interior of their waterbed? I’ll buy that! Oh, and when the "director's cut" comes out, I'll buy that, too!

Phone calls from beyond the grave predicting my imminent demise and what?! I can't hear you! Speak up! What do you mean “will I accept the charges”?

Thanks, Hollywood.

Of course, I’m better now. Older and wiser and all that.

Unless of course I’m in the basement and the light goes out.

Or if I repeatedly get phone calls with no one on the other end.

No, really. I’m better now; and 3:06 or no 3:06, by 3:08 I’m back in bed, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) curled up next to Willie, Dolly G. Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) pushing her wet little nose into my ear.

Now let’s see ‘em ruin that.

26 comments:

Daisy said...

"Something" must be going on at 3:06 because I get up too! A plot of gremlins in our time continuum? or our bladders!

Pearl said...

Daisy, I almost PREFER the goblin explanation. There's so very little romance in the bladder. :-)

jenny_o said...

What it's all about is simply that you are too reliable. Try being bird-brained. That'll mess that schedule up, all right.

Note: Don't try this at work.

Pearl said...

jenny-o, I've been bird-brained. :-) Amazing how often that comes in handy!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

No..no romance in the bladder but still..a lot more calming than the thought of a zombie invasion.

klahanie said...

Hey Pearl!

Yay, I know you've been waiting for another highly collectable comment from me, yes me, your bestest starstruck fan!

How weird is this? At 9:06 A.M., I thought about you. Time zones, eh! :)

Have a nice weekend, Pearl.

Gary :)

fishducky said...

Have you considered the lottery?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
...only once in the night - and you were asleep to wake up from? Count your blessings. And the cats. If there's more than two, you've switched channels!

Have a Great Weekend. YAM xxox

chlost said...

What is it about 3:00 am, anyway? Personally, I don't find much of interest to be awake for at that time. Sleep tight, Pearl.

Geo. said...

When it's 3:06 where you are, it's 1:06 a.m. here. I shall try to make less noise.

Joanne Noragon said...

Liza Bean thinks you're silly; Dolly G. doesn't care.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Indeed. Let's see 'em ruin that!
;)

Lin said...

We are such creatures of habit. Thank you, Bladder. Ugh.

Linda O'Connell said...

There was a time in my life when elevens showed up routinely on my clock and freaked the heck out of me, 2:11, 5:11, 7:11. Seriously, I did run wild with ideas back then. Return to bed and snuggle.

vanilla said...

You've laid out the scenario for them, so they probably will. Your own fault.

Eva Gallant said...

I envy you...I used to sleep with my cat Beau in the crook of my arm. I was constantly plagued by sinus infections; my doctor sent me to an allergist. Turns out I'm extremely allergic to cat dander. I had to stop sleeping with my furry friend, and when he passed away, we did no replace him.

The Savage said...

The thing that gets me is how your bladder adjusts to daylight savings time...

Rose said...

My bladder wakes me at regular times during the night and that's is all there is to that. Though I have had occasions after my husband passed in November where I thought I heard him calling me for help. I would take me a few minutes to realize he was not there calling to me anymore.

Elephant's Child said...

Your 3.08 return to bed sounds perfect. In this house Jazz has moved into my bit of the bed and is reluctant to share...

the walking man said...

Good Lord play 306 in the 3 digit for a buck boxed until it hits, You'll do that for 10 years then one day forget and that will be the day it hits straight!

River said...

Take note of what time you have your final coffee for the day, there may be a connection. I discovered that a coffee after 9pm had me up just after midnight, then again at 2.30ish, but no coffee after 7pm would see me sleeping all night.
Of course there are still those inexplicable times when I am wide awake at 3am without needing to pee, so I get a cup of coffee and read in bed until I fall asleep again. Oddly enough, the 3am coffee doesn't affect my bladder and I can sleep until my eyes open of their own accord.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I went through this phase of always waking up at 4:33 am. Always. Lasted for like a month.

Daisy said...

I don't know what to tell you, except DON'T GO DOWN IN THE BASEMENT!!

:-D

Fragrant Liar said...

Don't wig out, but I think the people who used to live in your house always got up at 3:06 to go pee. And now it's just a habit.

Perpetua said...

With me it's 4.19 or thereabouts. Thankfully our house doesn't have a basement or an attic. :-)

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

You do know that 3.06 is six minutes into the dead hour......the hour that most people die in well those in hospitals at least......just saying