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Friday, April 26, 2013

I Probably Should’ve Just Gone Back to Sleep; or Liza Bean Bitey is Going to Need the Car Today


The alarm clock, an appliance long known for its ill-considered promises of refreshing “snoozes”, glows at me, blandly, from the night stand next to the bed.

I’ve awoken, quite against my will, a full five minutes before the alarm.  Set to a local radio station with impressive and fail-safe bandwidth, the “morning show” of its opinionated and arrogant DJ is guaranteed to propel me out of bed despite my desire to keep sleeping.

But it’s five minutes before I have to get up.

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a cat with a lawyer on retainer and an affinity for writing “the good shrimp” on every grocery list I’ve written since letting the little bugger into the house, speaks without opening her eyes.  “Left to me,” she whispers, “I would suggest that you call in sick, stay home and make me tiny, delicious things to eat.”  She chuckles softly.

Oh, she cracks her up.

“You snored all night,” I say.

She smiles faintly, eyes still closed.  “If we’re going to start telling tales out of school,” she says, “then let us discuss the wisdom of you eating all that hummus before going – “

“All right, all right,” I hiss.  “No need to be rude.”

She smiles, her little black lips glinting in the clock-radio’s greenish glow.  “You have a couple minutes,” she says.  “Why don’t you run see if there’s any of that tapioca left over from last night?  I’m peckish.”

Liza Bean has recently started yet another Wooster and Jeeves book, and her rather cosmopolitan accent has taken on a decidedly British tinge.

I sigh. 

Liza Bean stands, stretches her front paws toward me, pushes her chest to the mattress, only to curl up again. 

“I need to be up by noon,” she says. 

I hate myself for it, but I have to ask.  “Why?”

She smiles, eyes closed.  “I’m taking Dolly Gee out for lunch.”  Her eyes open wide.  “I’ll need the car.”

I narrow my eyes at her.  “Why?”

“I say,” she smiles, eyes closing.  “So many questions.”

“But,” I say, “you don’t really like Dolly.  Why would you be taking her out to lunch?”

“Think of it as a team-building exercise,” she purrs.

“But –“

And what the American people fail to realize—

I slap the clock radio.

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, smiles into the darkness.  “Leave the keys on the kitchen table, will you?  That’s a good girl.”

And with that, the cat curls up tightly and goes back to sleep.  

26 comments:

George Turnbull said...

That darned cat!

Does she fill the car up after use?

I think not!

However, she is right about calling in sick now and again. Everyone needs a mental health day!

Pearl said...

George, her filling the car has become a condition of her taking it out, but her failure to put the seat back to a reasonable distance from the steering wheel is what really gets my goat...

Shelly said...

Somehow, I feel like Dolly Gee is a lamb going in for the slaughter...

Simply Suthern said...

I know how you feel. My wife is about the same height as Liza Bean and I hate getting into the car after she has been driving.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

This can only lead to trouble...Two talking cats, one with slightly crossed eyes, the other with criminal tendencies on the loose, in a car, and dining in a public place. Do YOU have a lawyer on retainer lol?

Pearl said...

Shelly, so many hidden agendas in the lives of one's cats... :-)

Simply, :-) It's hard being short.

Delores, I hadn't thought of the crossed eyes and Dolly's utter lack of depth perception... Hmmm. I better call Liza, make sure she's the one driving...

haphazardlife said...

Poor Dolly, this is emphatically not going to end well.

savannah said...

and i thought my life was complicated... ;) xoxoxo

The Savage said...

Remember to make her readjust the seat... nothing worse than getting cramped into a car seat and having to get back out to put in where it should be.

jenny_o said...

That is an excellent strategy for getting awake in the morning. The choice of radio station, I mean.

Although ... hearing Liza's plans for the day come a close second. Who could rest after that?!

darlin said...

Love, love, love the writing... did I say I love your writing yet? :-) You have a way of captivating me, you draw me right in and that cat, I tell ya that cat could get you in a heap of trouble if you listen to her! lol

Have a wonderful weekend Pearl!

Birdie said...

She is a bossy little thing, isn't she?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
Pleeeeeessssee tell me Dolly Gee was okay when you got home?!!!

Safe weekends all. YAM xxx

Lorna said...

Your use of cats to build stories is so clever.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Hahaha!Hummus before bed! Haha. BOOM!
Hahahahaaa! :)

Jackie said...

I've only just met Liza recently, but I love her....such a clevuh kitty, she is. You are definitely inside her head...or is it the other way around.
I hate that I wake up 5 minutes before the alarm...
Hugs,
J.

Michele Eigler said...

As you know, for the most part I'm not a fan of felines; but Liza Bean Bitey and Evelyn's cat Fred are making me reassess my views.

klahanie said...

A decidedly British tinge? Now that would be most cosmopolitan. A mixture of Northern Irish, Welsh, Scottish and English. Interesting.

Sorry you missed out on my dedicated posting to you, Pearl.

Never mind, I'm still your starstruck fan! :)

Joanne Noragon said...

I'm feeling nothing but the love. I'll bet it will be to your advantage to join the team.

Daisy said...

I hate to say this, Pearl, but I think that cat really has you trained! :-D

I hope you have a nice weekend!

Marti Lawrence said...

This was hilarious! Glad I found you!

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, if those two team up, you are in for trouble!

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

What can I say........well I hope she moves the seat back when she is finished as I am sure she would need it all the way forward........doubt she would have very long legs.....lol

Elephant's Child said...

Does she pick up the good shrimp herself on days she has the car? It would seem fair. And does Dolly Gee ever see any of them?

Perpetua said...

Liza Bean Bitey has all the irritating habits of a very self-absorbed teenager. Grrr!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Now I remember why I just enjoy other people's cats rather than commit to having one of these delicious horrors in my own house.