Good day, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Construction in the Workplace! It’s me again, Dirk Hardly, VP of HR, here to talk to you about construction, destruction, and how air quality is something only crybabies worry about.
Air quality schmair quality! What good are medical benefits if they’re never put to the test? Am I right?
Yessir, it’s a trying time for us here at Acme Grommets and Napkins. With the merger of several locations, we’ve been tested, and repeatedly. Thought your cubicle was small before? Would you believe bunk-cubicles? How about the way that you’ve always expected a chair to yourself? Ha! What’s that about? Too good to sit on your ol’ pal Dirk’s lap?
The truth is that there’s no getting around it, is there? What we have here is a trade-off situation: that is, you come to work – no matter what the conditions – and we give you money. And if we should also happen to be cutting sheetrock and making the offices around you into many, much smaller offices, well, what’s it to ya, buddy?
Let us welcome this challenge. Let us suck in our guts, turn sideways, pin our arms closely to our rib cages and welcome our new colleagues with a chorus of the Acme Grommets and Napkins’ corporate cheer: Two! Four! Six! Eight! Who do you appreciate? Anyone connected with keeping a roof over my head! Anyone connected with keeping a roof over my head!
Seriously, though, folks, we here at Acme Grommets and Napkins, we’re made of sterner stuff. Inhalers? Nebulizers? Whattayuz, a bunch of complainers? No, sir. NO, SIRREE, BOB. Why, when the pioneers crossed the highways of this great land, who do you think led the way? Who led the charge up San Juan Hill? Who tossed the first measles-laden blanket? Who ate their coworkers when caught in a snowstorm between mountains? Who put the bop in the bop-she-wah – no, wait.
The answer, of course, is that we did. Well, not us so much but those that came before us, people without fear, people without limits, people without the healthcare or access to dentistry that we've all become so fond of.
And there you sit, you with your concerns about air quality.
Seriously. You folks should be ashamed.
Now let’s get out there and wheeze ourselves into a new era of prosperity!
We’re relying on you.