I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Cat for Hire; or Did You See The New Guy in Accounting Brought a Disemboweled Mouse for Lunch?


It's a tough economy out there, and nobody knows this more than Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

In case you’ve forgotten, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is a small, symmetrically-striped puss, a cat I often find reaching a clever paw toward my dinner plate. At five pounds, Liza Bean is a bird/mouse/bug killer of the first water, the kind of cat that makes you think of cats "They're both attractive and efficient" and "Much bigger than she is and she'd have to be registered as a weapon".

Liza Bean is one of those neat, tidy cats, a cat who remembers when cats were gods and yet has come to terms with her fall in status.

Liza Bean's been on my computer lately. I can always tell when she has by the water bowl near the keyboard, the catnip laid out in neat little lines.

It appears that the cat is looking for a job.

I must say, her resume is impressive.

I've cut-and-pasted it here for your pleasure:

Liza Bean Bitey
PO Box 114
Minneapolis MN 55413
Contact: whyioughta2@gmail.com

Summary of Qualifications:
Drove a taxi in college -- highly familiar with area roads.
Worked as an unlicensed plumber from '04 to '05. Have been cleared of all charges related to the Margarita hot tub incident.
Short order cook in the late 90s. Ask me about my Potatoes a la Schultz!
Walk-on part of Cat #2 in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
Positively motivated cat with an affinity for playful poses, chasing things straight up a wall, and tugging at your earrings in the middle of the night.
Experienced in pest removal (up to and including unwanted guests, those of the bug persuasion, and irritating family members).
Excellent claw-eye coordination.
Dependable, flexible, and able to maintain a sense of humor under pressure.


I am looking forward to this new phase in her life.  She’s been “sleeping in” for all seven of her years, and she’s yet to offer to vacuum or lift the business end of a snow shovel.

It’s time she contributed.

After all, there's no call in adding things to the grocery list if you're not going to chip in for them. "The good shrimp" my Aunt Fanny!

23 comments:

jabblog said...

She has packed a lot into her short life. I'm sure there's the perfect job for her out there somewhere - then you can put your feet up.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
No. no, Pearl; it's like this. Ya feed her up on the good shrimp till about oohhh - at least 5.8lbs. Then you DO register her as a weapon.

There's money in arms you know!

The week starts with promise. YAM xx

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Maybe you could rent her out as an uder the bed automatic dust cloth. Something new for her resume.

joeh said...

Gotta love that cat!

Shelly said...

I know how hard she works at not appearing boastful about her many talents, but I do think she would be remiss if she didn't include a line or two about her skills at mentoring (with Dolly Gee) and network building (with her shady menagerie of associates).

Silliyak said...

Have the ittykays inquired about residuals from the ookbays yet?

the walking man said...

I hear Lehman Brothers is hiring for the executive suite. I think that would be the perfect place for Liza bean Bitey except she is no fat cat, something that could work against her. Other than that she appears well qualified.

jenny_o said...

And like many females, seven-year-old Liza Bean doesn't mind lying about her age (see: short order cook info) ... but her experience makes her worth it!

Lorna said...

Please let us know when Liza Bean Bitey lands a job. She seems capable of anything but I hope it's not as a masseuse.

The Savage said...

She may have walked on as Cat #2 but as for background acting, she's Cat #1...

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Get ta work, Liza Bean! No one gets the good shrimp for free!

Eva Gallant said...

What? Nothing on her resume about her experience with Squeak Toy???

Daisy said...

I'd hire her!

Gigi said...

Tell her to send her resume our way - she can't be worse than some of those we've already got.

Fragrant Liar said...

Ah but to live the life of a beloved lazy cat, too busy being a cat to be bothered with such mundane things as snow shoveling.

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

I loved her work in "Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels". She was the glue that held that movie together.

Daisy said...

Well, I'd hire her, but I'm afraid she would take too many smoke breaks and gamble online when she should be working!

klahanie said...

Hello Pearl,

Liza Bean Bitey should pawblish a few pawstings on here. Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar, would even take time out of her busy schedule to read it.

P.S., I know how much you love public transport. I have a post dedicated to you on my site. Gosh, I'm nice!

See ya,

Gary :)

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

Lizzy Bean just left that resume on the screen for you to see it. She's not really looking for a job, she just wants you to think so in order to get a reward. She is a smart one, that Lizzy Bean.

I know this from experience. I have cats myself who enjoy the good life a little too much.

Elephant's Child said...

And job or no job she will still be adding things (including but not limited to the good shrimp) to your shopping list. She will have better and more important uses for her wages. And probably yours too.

River said...

Given the fact that she likes sleeping in, Liza Bean should probably be looking for an afternoon shift somewhere.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

We've got day shift openings here at Chez Green Girl. Can always use a good mouser!

Janice said...

Sounds pretty fishy to me. 7 years old and was a short order cook in the late 90's? I'd be checking THAT out. Good luck to her, though. She must really want a job...