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Sunday, April 7, 2013

... and I Awoke, Dazed, in a Pool of my own Sweat


A re-post, after a day and night of wanton self-indulgence, leaving no time for writing.  Enjoy!


By the time I reached home, the TV had worked itself into a righteous, vigorous anger.

Apparently word had reached it – and I’m not blaming anyone specific here but I do strongly suspect my laptop, a sleek sexy bit of an appliance who can’t keep her damn lid closed – that I would no longer be spending time in front of the TV, butt planted, mouth open.

The TV was angry; and for reasons I still don’t understand, smelled slightly of stale cigarettes.

“Is it the screen? Huh? What? ‘Cause I’ve got a scratch? ‘Cause I don’t know from HDTV?”

“It’s not that…”

“What? I’m not big enough for you, Miss High-and-Mighty? Is that it? You think because you’ve a bath tub and a shower that you’re too big for the primetime line-up?”

“Hey, I never said…”

“Oh, save your breath, Miss I-Never-Heard-of-Him-Who-Is-This-Maury-Povich-Person! I know what you watch! You hear me? I know what you watch!

“Hey, now. There’s no need to –“

“Tell it to the Marines, okay? Where’s the thanks, huh? Should I tell all your brainy friends about your Tetris addiction?”

“Wha—what?”

“Ha! You think I don’t remember that? You think I don’t remember you and your Nintendo? Hours and hours of Mario Brothers? Of Tetris? How you’d play until you swore the city’s skyline had gaps in it you thought you could fill in if the right piece ever came down?”

My face burned with shame.

The TV laughed cruelly. “Thought I’d forgotten that, didn’t you?”

“Look, that was a long time ago.”

The TV laughed again, his power indicator fever-red. “I don’t need your crap,” he spat. “I had a life, you hear me? I had a life before you!”

I lost control of myself. “You didn’t! You had no life! I paid for you! I paid for you and I dusted you and I moved you every single time I moved! Do you hear me?”

I turned my back on him and burst into tears. “You think this is easy? You think I don’t still care for you? It’s just gotten dirty! I feel cheap! I have a callus from using the remote! The middle cushion on the couch has a Pearl’s-butt-shaped dent in it! If I’m not careful – oh, God! I’m going to end up watching Fox News!”

The full horror of the situation hit me at that moment; and I fell on to the ground in front of the TV, sobbing.

The TV made staticky, cooing noises.

“Movies, maybe? You’ve been promising Ma you’d watch the first season of Heroes for almost two years now. Maybe we could do that? Huh? The Dune movies? What about the Lord of the Ring Trilogy? You like that, don’t you?”

I sat up, nodding dully and wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if we can be friends. We’ll just have to take it slowly.”

The TV began to hum the theme song from “One Day at a Time”.

I shook my head, repulsed.

He’ll never change.

21 comments:

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Choices. Life is full of choices. Take back the power of choice and the talking telly becomes what he really is. YOUR slave.

Recovery going well I hope? Here's to Monday. &-> YAM

Sioux said...

Aah, that television. A lousy lover...

I've almost got the scarf finished. How long do you like 'em?

bill lisleman said...

Thinner flatter models with no knobs today. I miss a good sturdy knob to twist. You probably remember the days there was walnut shrine around the tube. This may inspire a post but then again I might just change the channel. thanks

Lorna said...

Your stories make me smile. :-)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

No he will not change...in appearance perhaps and even in content but deep down inside he remains the same...a soul sucking, time burning, brain numbing machine. Ditch him Pearl...quick...while you have the strength (and get yourself a new couch).

jenny_o said...

Fox News? You'd need an intervention for sure!

Tetris, on the other hand - now, that was an excellent way to waste time :)

fishducky said...

My TV thinks I'm brilliant because the only show I watch regularly is "Jeopardy!"--oh, & "Say Yes to the Dress" & "NCIS" & ...... Never mind.

klahanie said...

Hey Pearl,

Ah yes, the "telly" as the lovable Brits refer to it.

Now then, did you know you need a licence to watch television in Britain? Heck Pearl, having not passed my 'test', I've got this darned "L" sticker on my screen. Bloody annoying. And you think you've got things weird.

When you have recovered from your night out of signing autographs, just think, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar thinks you are just amaze balls....

Cheerio,

Gary :)

Birdie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Birdie said...

Mario Brothers! Don't tell your TV I said this but those games were fun. I remember being a teenager and staying up all night to play them. Super Mario World was better than any old program on TV.

savannah said...

thank goodness for netflix and apple tv! oh and OnDemand! xoxoxoxo

Daisy said...

Don't listen to him! It's a trap, I tell you, a trap!!

The Savage said...

You can still buy the old tubes for old T.V.s we used get sent to TG&Y/Gibsons/ Benjamin Franklins for when we were kids at Radio Shack... Your TV will think it's a kinky bondage device...

Linda O'Connell said...

Nothing better than a Tetris marathon.

Gigi said...

I shudder to think what tales some of the other appliances could tell given the opportunity...the fridge alone gives me goosebumps.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

I like these reposts that I haven't read before.........

Elephant's Child said...

I love that you had some wanton self-indulgence. The very best kind.

And televisions are not trustworthy. Never have been, never will be.

River said...

This is the third reference to LOTR that I've read on the internet tonight. Is the universe trying to tell me I need to watch it again?

Esther Montgomery said...

In my house it's the other way round. I'm cross with my TV for offering me so little of worth. Maybe it's because I rarely dust it (or anything) that it's in rebellion for it tries to supply me with a diet of people selling houses, buying houses, painting houses, cooking in houses . . .

the walking man said...

The television is cruel master and it is at its cruelest when you can only find stuff you have already seen twice before on it.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Noooooo! Not Fox News! Nooooooo!