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Thursday, March 28, 2013

Welcome to the Conference Call

Thanks for dialing in, everyone. We’ve a very busy schedule today, so let’s get to it, shall we?

First of all, I want to thank you for dialing in. Our studies have shown that dialing in is the first step in any telephone conversation and absolutely essential to the successful start of any conference call, so right from the beginning, we are pleased with this early victory. Let’s pause for a moment here and give ourselves a round of applause.

As you all know, it is at this time of year that we turn our attention to our Q4 sales goals. While many of you have done well for yourselves, one person stands above the fray. Everyone, a round of applause for Marilyn!  Marilyn has reached 150% of her yearly sales goal with three months remaining, a fact that leaves us wondering if she’s truly that great of a salesman or if she seriously sandbagged on her goal to begin with. Ha ha! Just kidding, Mary Lynn.

You know, Mary Lynn didn’t get to where she got today without forming partnerships, so let’s talk about that.

Partnerships: between us and them, between you and me, between that guy in the skyway with the slide whistle and the people who continue to encourage him with their spare change. We’re partnering, we’re solutioning, we’re wreaking havoc with the English language and we are just so excited about it. Words like “spearhead”, “integral”, and “benchmark” will be used liberally in our partnerships. References to “full plates” and what we can "bring to the table" will be made. We are energized, we are aligned, we are in full command of our corporate-based thought templates.

Let the verbing begin!

Last on the agenda, I want to express my awe and incredulity regarding the amount of work that our working-from-home employees are getting done. I, for example, while on this very conference call, have taken a bath, made my bed, walked the dog and had my carpets steamed. My home has never been cleaner.  What an age we live in.

And with that, we’ve come to the Q and A portion of the meeting, where I encourage you to speak up. Questions? Answers? Suggestions? Offers of Happy Hour get-togethers? Come now! Surely someone wants to be identified as a potential troublemaker!

No?

I’ll let you get on with your jobs then. Thank you for your continued hard work, your dedication, and your willingness to labor for praise in lieu of real income.

Now let’s get out there and win!

31 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

I yearn for you tragically

Shelly said...

The only kind of conference call I would like to be a part of would be one with you moderating and all the people who comment on your posts.

That would be a roller coaster of fun.

Scarlet Blue said...

This is truly the vanguard of conference calls.
Sx

sage said...

I think Shelly has the right idea--a conference call connecting you to your readers who are reading your blog instead of working :)

Pearl said...

The conference call would work best if someone else lead it while we passed notes and snickered in the back.

:-)

Rosemary Nickerson said...

Hubby is in the other room on a conference call as we speak. We are on a boat, so he gets to work on his tan, drink a beverage (Bahama Mama anyone?) and file his nails while the blurbs keep on coming. Business practice has come a long way, Baby!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I loved conference calls when I was working from home.... in my jammies, steaming cup of coffee beside me, the window open (something that just can't be done in corporate Canada), I would cart the phone around with me half listening to the drivel on the other side, inserting an amen here and there, opening the door to the mailman....ah...conference calls.

Goldenoldenlady said...

Genius. This, just this, is why we were happy to call The Husband's redundancy a year ago, at the age of 56, his RETIREMENT. No more fluent bollox management-speak. The relief is palpable. One day, Pearl, when you are the renowned author you deserve to be, this state of grace shall also be yours.

Meanwhile. Happy move. Settle in. Kick your shoes off. Stretch out - and REST!

Reynolds Potter said...

Pearl, you are obviously a Thought Leader.

George Turnbull said...

I too can multi-task!

I'm typing this on the toilet whilst walking my dog on a 350 meter line.

I would be a natural for you company!

Douglas said...

It's not a successful conference call until you hear someone softly snoring. Working the graveyard shift meant darn few conference calls. Though there were some... nothing more fun than a conference call at 3 AM...

Jono said...

I like to disguise my voice and make off-color remarks on conference calls. They never know where it came from. So much fun!

Chantel said...

While not a part of my own responsibilites during my rare visits to the office, I am privy and delighted by the entertainment provided by various calls about my floor. There is one chap who cuts and files his nails (toes too....ew) every Monday at noon, scrupulously so, during his weekly check-in. Susan plays sudoku during her chats and often I see her jam the ole fist pump of gloriously victory at conquoring her mathmetical adversary while simultaneously agreeing to make new labels for the files and taco dip for the potluck.

Chuck says hi, then spends fifteen minutes in the restroom before returning to pitch in, "I agree wholeheartidly." He's the boss's current favorite.

You would be way more fun...care to move to Pittsburgh?

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
eeauuuqwww ouch. Flashbacks. it's been 12+ years since my last conference call (bank branch sub-manager). Millions of dollars got bandied about and none of it mine. Or even theirs for that matter.

No. Not nice. (exits left with head hung low)...

joeh said...

From a humor perspective this post indicates that you can think outside the box.

I think that at the end of the day this post hit the nail on the head.

Of course you were picking some low hanging fruit.

Thank you for reminding me how happy I am to be retired!

bill lisleman said...

"solutioning" - that's great bit of corporate babble.
I've enjoyed your conference call reporting before and thought at first this was one that was previously recorded before a live audience. Good stuff - now I will retreat to my laboratory and work on my conference call robot. I must add more corporate babble to it's response list.
thanks

Ian Lidster said...

I love your workaday stuff, and your conference call items are brilliant. But, much of what you do is brilliant.
So, book idea: the workplace. You handle it so well.

jenny_o said...

As usual you've brought a smile to my day. I've only been on calls with non-profit organizations, so the higher ups didn't waste our time because we weren't getting paid and we didn't have to be there. But your scenario is only too believable and a good warning for those about to join a corporate office!

Daisy said...

I am so glad I don't work in the corporate world! Ha! :-)

fishducky said...

"Your dedication, and your willingness to labor for praise in lieu of real income" sums it all up for me!!

klahanie said...

Oops, human Pearl,

I tried to get involved with your conference call. Sadly, I was put on hold, given several number options to push and spent twenty minutes listening some awful version of "The William Tell Overture"!

I gave up and hung up...

Pawsitive wishes,

Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! :)

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

Who just joined?

The Savage said...

I made overtime today chauffeuring my boss around to pick up Easter supplies for her kiddos...

Gigi said...

*click* Hi, it's Gigi. Am I late?

Conference calls and meetings - can you imagine how much more efficiently the office would run without them?

savannah said...

i no longer have to dial in to conference calls. i just sleep with the boss. xoxoxox








(yes, i work for my husband!)

HermanTurnip said...

Wait a moment. This sounds suspiciously like our last monthly department meeting. You weren't, perhaps, on the con call...were you?

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

If I took part in a conference call I would be the one listening and saying nothing because I am shy and withdrawn and don't know how to make myself heard

Elephant's Child said...

Far too familiar for comfort. I am so glad I have left conference calls behind.

Geo. said...

I became a gardener in 1980 and accidentally backed my tractor over 2 company cell phones and a walkie-talkie before retirement. Sometimes we must disenthrall ourselves before administrators can improve.

River said...

I'd be the sort to dial in then leave the phone on the desk while I got on with other stuff until I heard a dial tone meaning they'd all hung up, then I would too.

The Geezers said...

You clearly have been listening in on my company's meetings.