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Thursday, March 7, 2013

This Explains Why I've Been Finding Phone Books on the Driver's Seat


You know, I’ve been riding the bus on a regular basis – and every now and then on an irregular basis, if ya know what I mean – for almost eight years now. In that time, I’ve fallen down in it, witnessed an indecent exposure, watched the young and the young-at-heart make jackasses out of themselves with nothing but their questionable wits and a pair of headphones. I’ve listened in on whole conversations made up of the words “mah dawg!”, “thazz righ’, thazz righ’” and “what? what you say?!”

But it was yesterday’s ride that opened my eyes.

And now that they’re open…

Here. Sit here, next to me. See how you can look into the cars next to us, look down into them?

Yesterday, I was a passenger on a bus that passed my cat.

She was driving my car.

And here’s the kicker: she didn’t have my permission.

You’ve met Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), haven’t you? Tiny cat about this big, perky little ears? Has been writing “the good shrimp” on every grocery list I’ve ever made?

That’s the one.

Just look at them!  The car is full of cats! The full contingent of Squeak Toy is in the car – and so are their instruments. Stumpy “Lucky” Strykes sits atop the drums he’s piled up in the back seat, Ignatz D. Katz is lying atop the upright bass that is just as much outside the car as it is inside, and that big cat, the one with the long hair and the yellow eyes – Hairball, they call him – is in the front passenger seat, cradling an electric keyboard in his arms like a baby.

They are laughing, talking, smoking, in my car! Smoking! I stare down, incredulous, as Hairball kisses his piano with more ardor than I like to see during an afternoon commute, and it is at this point that Liza Bean happens to look over…

And look away! I watch as she casually takes another drag off her cigarette and then drop it out the driver’s window. I watch as she looks into her rearview mirror, speaks to the backseat passengers, her little black lips moving almost imperceptibly...

The light changes, and the Honda speeds away.



If you need me, I’ll be at Indeed with Kathy, drinking, snacking, and wondering if I need to up the insurance on the car…

25 comments:

joeh said...

Upping the insurance is exactly what I wasgoing to recommend!

esbboston said...

I was guessing whether there would be the word 'the' in your third paragraph and I guess half-way correctly. I was clearly wrong in eXpecting a yes no on off 1 0 decision and got a half. Back to the TI-89 ....

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
Insurance nightmare, comes to mind. Compromise may be the answer here...

Have you thought of encouraging her to use public transport also - given she's not inclined to stay where all NORMAL cats stay?!

(For which your readers are grateful of course!)

Buttons said...

I always knew you could not trust a secret smoking ca. Bt

Simply Suthern said...

And teach the Cat to use the dang ash tray. Some one will report your car and you will be doing a breathalizer when you say your cat was driving.

Janice said...

The next time I need to name a new kitten, I think I might just give you a jingle. Ignatz the Katz! I love it.

Geo. said...

Except for their fondness for rubbing against the sides of buildings and posts, I have nothing against cats driving cars. But you're right, they should ask permission.

Jackie said...

The terms "cat" and "litter" came to mind when I read about the cigarette butt headed out of the window.

Douglas said...

Obviously you need to better hide your keys or take them with you. Though, by now, Liza Bean has probably made copies.

And I like Jackie's comment. Nailed it!

jenny_o said...

Not only should you up the insurance, but you should also be prepared to vacuum up all the cat hair and possibly clean up a contribution from Hairball in the front there. Isn't there a saying about "the morals of a cat"? Now I think we have further insight into that ...

Joanne Noragon said...

You need to have an intervention. I know for a fact these gigs have brough in more than enough for a custom van.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Better make that a double Pearl...you'll need it.

George Turnbull said...

I was believing every word until you mentioned 'Honda'.

No self respecting cat would EVER drive a Honda!

jenny_o said...

Ohhhh, I just clued into today's title ... haha!

Craver Vii said...

Your friends' comments are whackadoodle! I got a good laugh out of them.

Indeed sounds like a fun place. How is their brew? I checked them out. The Sweet Yamma Jammaspecialty and Stir Crazy Winter brews sound like something worth trying. Do you have a favorite?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Which would totally explain the car trouble you've had...

Susan Kane said...

Non-smokers get a discount on the insurance. You might want to broach that subject with the cat.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I love the comments that your posts generate - what a diverse response :)

Eva Gallant said...

On the bright side, they weren't imbibing....I would definitely draw the line at Liza Bean drinking and driving my car--with or without permission!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

I hope they left the catnip at home.

The Elephant's Child said...

Can you afford ENOUGH insurance? Ignore that. Can you afford not to increase it?

Rose L said...

I am just wondering where they were headed!!!! Is there a REAL pussy cat bar somewhere??
And I am amazed they would smoke!! My cats HATE cigarette smoke! Yours must be odd hybrids.

Cheryl said...

Oh Pearl. Your post dredged up quite a memory for me. I too was riding the bus home from work one day when I glanced down into a familiar car only to discover my husband with another woman. And he did the same thing Liza Bean did - looked away! No shame from him either.

Daisy said...

That Liza Bean Bitey is a sneaky one!!

Pat Tillett said...

Insurance? It's time for an intervention...