I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Finally! Affordable Health Care

Mary has recipe to eradicate the cold that I have coming on.

She’s called me, early-morning like, as she is wont to do.

“Good morning, Acme World O’ Widgets.”

“Is that what you’re calling it now?”

“I knew it was you!”

“Heeeey,” she suspicions, eyes audibly narrowing, “why do you sound like that?”

“Like what? Like a toad with a hangover?”

“Nice,” she chortles, “and yes.”

“I think I’m getting a cold.”

You can hear Mary rubbing her little hands together. “OK. Here’s what you do –“

“Man,” I whine, “I am full-grown. I raised a child and –“

“Shhh,” she soothes. “Let me do my work.”

We laugh. Mary is a bit of a caregiver.

I give in. She’s the biker mother I never had. “All right, weirdo. Go.”

“OK. After work, you go get some cranberry juice and some Nyquil. You drink the juice, then you drink at least two doses of the Nyquil – are you writing this down?”

“Overdose on Nyquil. Contact local rehab center.  Check.“

“Shhh,” she says, laughing. “You’re ill and don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Go on,” I say.

“You take a hot bath, wrap up in a big blanket, and turn on something truly stupid on TV. Might I recommend something in the prime time line-up?”

“Gotcha,” I say, pretending to take notes. “Hot bath, blanket, stupid.”

“You wait until your eyelids get really heavy or until they cross. Or both. I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Sure,” I say, smiling. “Everyone heals differently.”

“Shhh,” she says. “Don’t fight me. You’re feverish.”

“I’m not fever—“

“ONCE YOUR EYES CROSS PROPERLY,” she interrupts, “you go to bed, you pile the blankets up, and you stay there.”

“That’s quite the treatment plan,” I say.

“Hey,” she says, “I fuss because I care.”


mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Amazingly close to my dads remedy for colds/flu/whatever only his usually included alcohol. Lets see now...how did it go....stiff drink, medication, hot bath, lots of warm clothes and blankets and sweat it out. Yes, dad was a big believer in sweating it out. Strangely, it often worked.

Lisa Golden said...

Mary knows. Could you perhaps convince her to add the service of writing notes for kids who are missing school to heal under blankets while watching stupid TV?

Perpetua said...

You need to patent Mary or syndicate her or something. All that wisdom deserves to be heard. :-)

Hope you heal; soon with Mary's treatment.

SparkleFarkel said...

"Get Well Soon" wishes to you, Pearl. Sorry to hear your nose is ailing. Mary's remedy sounds ideal! Nothing like my late Aunt Looly's, which involves cooking a dead cat (road kill, if it's lucky) and ingesting a generous portion of it. *reflects then sighs* Poor Auntie Loo... Pneumonia took her, don't cha know? That and probably her bad "cat" breath (which nearly killed all of us!).

Goldenoldenlady said...

That gal LOVES you. Yeah, a biker mother would have been so helpful at times. My mother probably rode the shortest imaginable distatnce in my dad's sidecar in the 1950s or 1960s. I think it was for shopping, mostly.

I was a Biker Mother briefly, ask The Daughter. Not sure she was keen, though, she was at an awkward age (when are they not?).

Still have the tattoos...

R. Jacob said...

I am good at tucking in the blankets!

Juli said...

Her plan sounds fabulous... And I'm not even sick. :)

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Mary, Mary. A Biker-Mama for us all!

Sweet Posy Dreams said...

A double dose of Nyquil sounds like a death wish.

ellen abbott said...

hmmmm. I might do that even if I'm not getting a cold.

sage said...

Affordable health care and the cure of the common cold, your blog is amazing. I'm no longer listening to the real news.

jenny_o said...

Well, with "at least two doses" of Nyquil, you won't remember being sick. There's a lot to be said for that. Get well soon, girlie.

vanilla said...

Please be well; or if you use Mary's treatment, please survive.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari Om
ah yes, Mary's equivalent of the Dadda MacLean Hot Toddy; he was a 'sweat it out' kinda guy too.

Didn't mind giving his kids whiskeyed cross eyes either.

Stay well. Stay alive. xxox

The Savage said...

Have you seen the price of cranberry juice? Affordable healthcare? Not so much....

Geo. said...

Good curative advice. I have found it also efficacious to declare one blanket magical and wrap my head in it. Seriously.

Belle said...

Sounds like a plan. I take zinc and vitamin C when I feel a cold coming on. Sometimes I go sweat in the tub for an hour. My dad ate onion sandwiches. I tried it once and my throat closed up. Not all the way of course, I am still here.

Val said...

My home remedy involves drinking a large plastic container of Hot & Sour Soup, interspersed with swigs from a 44 oz. Diet Coke. You'll cough and sputter and clear out the mucus faster than Mucinex bouncing those obnoxious green blobs from the Cough-A-Cabana.

You WILL want to stay near a bathroom. Actually, this treatment could also double as prep for a colonoscopy.

Daisy said...

Mary's remedy works for me, altho I use scotch instead of the Nyquil. Once the cold is gone, continue preventive treatment with the scotch.

Hope you feel better soon.

Daisy's Barbara

Elephant's Child said...

Sounds good. We all need a Mary in our lives. Well I do anyway. Does she do home visits?

klahanie said...

Hey Pearl,

Nice to see you aren't on a bus! Ahem...nothing like having somebody give you a bit of care.

And speaking of healthcare, over here in Britain, the magical wee folks in my garden have, 'Universal Elf Care'.

Bye Pearl,

Your starstruck fan,

Gary :)

Buttons said...

Oh I think this is great advice as I write this huddled under blankets drinking a large glass of Nyquil. Get better B

Gigi said...

She's on to something there - I mean honestly, after a few hits of Nyquil, you completely forget about what might be ailing you.

Joe Pereira said...

Only you Pearl can make the onset of a cold seem funny :)

Tempo said...

Funny enough, she's probably right. Get well soon Pearl.

Jackie said...

In other words: hibernate.
Sounds like a plan to me.
Get well soon...

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

What doesn't kill ya cures ya, right? A hunting buddy of my husband's used to swear by his cold remedy: Jack Daniels and pickle juice. (Dunno exactly what KIND of pickle juice, but somehow, I don't think it mattered...)

River said...

That Mary is such a caring soul.I hope you can find your way to the bed with your eyes completely crossed.
I don't get colds. Much. I used to not get them at all, but I had one last year and the year before, I must take more care this year, I don't want another one.

Daisy said...

Ha! It sounds like Mary cares for you, although I'm not so sure about the double dose of Nyquil. Single doses of Nyquil give me vivid nightmares so I stay away from it, altogether.

Hope you're feeling better!