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Monday, February 18, 2013

Wherein Pearl Finally Goes Viral


I have been sick for, oh, eleven years now.  It’s been tedious, it’s been sweaty, and it’s gone on long enough. 

I haven’t left the house since Wednesday.

O, how I tire of illness.

Viral, the doctor says.  We’ll keep an eye on your lymph nodes – I don’t like the look of them – but just stay home, stay warm, get lots of rest.

Everyone has advice when you’re sick.

“Have you been drinking juice?” 

I switch the phone from one ear to another.  “I don’t really like juice,” I say.  This is not strictly true, but I’m bored.

And I like winding Mary up every now and then.

“Orange juice!  You need to drink orange juice.  And apple juice.  Oooh, and cranberry juice wouldn’t hurt.”

There’s silence.

“Are you writing this down?”

I sit up, arrange the pillows under my head.

“Gotcha,” I say, pretending to write it down.  “OJ, apoe, cranb.”

“Did you just say ‘cranb’?”

“Nobe.”

“Pfft,” she says, smiling.  “Did you pick up the Airborne like I told you?”

“Isn’t that supposed to be preventative?”

“It works no matter what you do.  I’m telling you.”

“Mary, it’s a virus.  Nothing to do about it but drink lots of water –“

“ –or juice.”

“-and get plenty of rest.  Seriously, I just lay around watching Sopranos and sleeping.  You’ve never seen so much sleeping.”

“You’ll probably wake up this spring with twins,” she murmurs.

I close my eyes.  Something about hibernation and bears.  I reflect on the fact that I probably haven’t shaved my legs since Christmas.  I chuckle to myself.  “I don’t have the brain cells to respond to that.”

There is silence.

“What about Nyquil?” she says. 

“Just like you taught me,” I say.  “I drink it until my eyes cross and then crawl under every blanket I own to sleep the sleep of the righteously drugged.”

“That’s my girl,” she says.

“I gotta lay down now,” I say.  “I gotta stop talking.”

“OK,” she says.  “You go back to sleep now, get better.”

I nod, my eyes already closing.  “I will,” I say.

38 comments:

Lynn said...

Sleeping the sleep of the righteously drugged. :) Love that phrase and will make sure to use that myself sometime. Hope you feel better, Pearl!

Shelly said...

Follow your dr's advice and follow Mary's, but most of all, just get to feeling better soon.

And have I got a Paseo de la Muerte story for you- someone who actually did it, but accidentally...

Sioux said...

Even sick, you write a funny post. (Or is that the Nyquil talking?)

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Not so sound cliche, but I hope you feel better soon :)

Eva Gallant said...

Pearl, I sure hope you get better soon. Being sick is not fun. Drink that juice and do everything Mary says!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Whenever I got a bug my Dad would tell me to 'sweat it out'...alcohol, hot toddy, heat turned up, lots of blankets, heavy pj's and sweat sweat sweat. He was convinced it worked. Even if it didn't...it felt good. Get better soon Pearlie Girl.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Everyone's got advice when you're sick, don't they? I just want dark, peace, quiet, bed.

Roshni AaMom said...

Feel better! I'm here if you want more recipes of ancient Indian stuff to fight a cold!! :P

Leenie said...

Oh, Great >8(. Now I have to disinfect my monitor and keyboard of all the Pearl Virals. Computer spread viruses are the worst!

jenny_o said...

Mary's right this time :)

Lots of juice, for the sugar in it. Otherwise you'll be as weak as a newborn kitten when you get up. Actually, you'll be weak as a newborn kitten anyway, but you just might not faint if you've been drinking yer juice.

Having just come through an illness with fever, actually still coming through it, I can so sympathize with the sleep phase.

Here's to health, Pearl. Clink. Drink. (juice)

vanilla said...

oh, please do. get well, I mean.

TexWisGirl said...

you poor thing...

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

For five weeks I've been chugging water and hot tea. Juice only when my throat doesn't hurt. Just bought some more Airborne, or maybe it was Emergen-C. At least you were smart enough to see your doctor. I'm finally going in on Wednesday. Didn't want to be around all those people with germs, dontcha know. Feel better, Pearl!

Joanne Noragon said...

Wednesday's coming round again. Hope you kick this thing soon!

Geo. said...

"...wake up this spring with twins." Inspired, perhaps by delirium, but inspired. Get well, Pearl --you'll have campgrounds to raid.

River said...

Hot water +honey +apple cider vinegar. Twice a day.

It never ceases to amaze me how time usually flies by so fast, yet when we are ill every hour feels like three days.

bill lisleman said...

too bad it's not the internet type of viral. Such a better ride and no juice required.

chlost said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry you got that bug. So far, so good here...it is a nasty thing, from what I hear from everyone who's gotten it. Nighty night, sleep tight.....you'll feel better soon.

Vapid Vixen said...

Oh balls! That sucks. I can't believe you're blogging while feeling so cruddy!

Get better! Now!

Pearl said...

THank you, everyone.

I had never considered that the juice might be helpful if only for the sugar.

Roshni, ancient Indian remedies sound flavorful and warm. We've more Indians here in Minneapolis than we used to, and I can't believe I haven't been approached on the bus by one with a thermos full of remedy. :-)

And Shelly? I can't wait to hear the Paseo de la Muerte story!

Jackie said...

Oh no....so sorry that you are sick; rest, rest, rest...but I gather you have that one covered.
Take care of you...
Hugs,
Jackie

Gigi said...

The NyQyuil is a good suggestion. At least it knocks you out so you can forget that you're sick for a little while.

Get better soon.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Oh, Pearl, feel better! It's been far, far too quiet on the Books of Face!
And like I said, whiskey! Juice is not near as much fun. :)

Buttons said...

Oh Pearl juice is good depending on the mix.
Nyquil works too so I heard. I really don't know my Mom says just use castor oil for everything she is one strange doctor. Rub it on on drink it I have no idea but she is 84 maybe she is right:)
Get better.Ok I would not try the castor oil I think my Mom may be a quack:) B

Rosemary Nickerson said...

There are no viruses in the islands, just allergies (at least on my boat). When you're feeling non-contagious, come to the clear blue waters and sunshine to stay well. This too will pass.
Rosemary

HermanTurnip said...

Man, I've been sick all weekend With some sort of mutant cold thingy. The wife asked me if I was drinking.

"Yes, of course," I said.
"Orange juice?"
"Oh...uh, no." (hides the Jack Daniels)

Oh well...guess it's back to cough syrup and vitamin C.

Daisy said...

Hope you are soon better Pearl. Remember to add some gin to the juices!

Indigo Roth said...

Oh, Pearly, Pearly, Pearl. I'd hug you, but I don't want your viral cooties, thank you. With much love, Roth x

the walking man said...

I just slept for three straight days, just because it's what i wanted to do. Convince yourself you're not sick and seep because it's what you want to do and you'll be better when you decide it's time to get up.

Joe Pereira said...

It'll take a lot more than a miserable virus to subdue your sense of humour Pearl - that's the spirit :)

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

No advice from me. Sometimes life just stinks,

Linda O'Connell said...

Starve a fever feed a cold. There's your answer, fatten up. I do hope you are on the mend soon.

darsden said...

feel better girl... you need some cherry bon bons and whatits!! :-)

esbboston said...

My left eye hurt some but it looks much worse than it hurts, so that is good thing (right?). I think enough coffee takes care of aLL problems no madder how bid. I wiLL see if there is an apt for that.


Checking ...


Nope. There is no apt.

Perpetua said...

Viral is horrid. Get well soon, Pearl, with or without the juice.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

When something is viral it isn't good but then any type of sickness isn't good........no one wants to be sick but there are some who like the attention they get from being sick. I am not one of those people either when I am sick I like to be left alone and not have any attention.....

Daisy said...

Aw, I'm so sorry to hear this thing is still hanging on for you, Pearl. I hope you feel better soon.

sage said...

Drink and rest--it'd be a great life if you didn't feel so bad. Get well soon, Pearl!