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Saturday, February 16, 2013

This is How Rich People's Teeth Feel


It's old news, but I have been dreadfully sick since Wednesday.  :-(  I'll be back just as soon as I can sit up without seeing spots before my eyes...    Please enjoy this from 2011.

I spent some time yesterday with a dentist.

Up to their wrists in other people’s mouths, dentists are some of my favorite people to mess with.

“I don’t get to party with dentists as often as I’d like,” I confess to him from the chair. “When you guys get together, do you, like, sit around and watch Little Shop of Horrors? Sing “Be a Dentist” while pretending to be Steve Martin?”

The dentist lets out a whoop. “I love that song!” He sighs reminiscently. “That reminds me,” he says. “It’s my turn to bring the gas next.”

I twist around, crank my head to look up at him, and he grins at me, a charming upside-down smile. “We’re not allowed to talk openly about it, you understand; but you’re messed up right now and would make a pretty lousy witness.”

We’re doing the final stages of a crown. It’s my first foray into dental work beyond having cavities filled, and it’s been quite an experience. It’s a nerve-y thing, the mouth. I have never cared for lidocaine or its brothers, but after having involuntarily lifted myself off the chair early in the appointment, I was convinced by the assistant that maybe a shot or two – just to get the party started, ya understand – might not be a bad idea.

He showed me the gold crown, and I admired its intricacies.

Hopefully I will never see it this closely again.

“So how many of these have you dropped down a throat?”

“AHHHHHHH!” Both the dentist and the assistant bellowed in unison.

“No, no, no,” said Galina. “Ees like ‘MacBeth’ in theater. We don’t say.”

“No worries,” said the dentist. “I drop it down your throat, we just postpone this appointment for, oh, three days.”  He winks at me.  "We'll get it back."

It’s my and the assistant’s turn: AHHHHHHH!

Installation was easy, particularly since I was anesthetized and did none of the work.

And nobody dropped anything down my throat.

And now I have a gold tooth. It’s not noticeable, even if I smile broadly, but I like to think that there’s something about me, now, that would lead the casual observer to think, Hmm. Now there goes a woman with a secret…

And I do have a secret. Because for the first time in months, I’m chewing – tentatively! – using the molars on my left.

I’m tellin’ ya, man. This is how the other half live.

20 comments:

Sioux said...

When I open my mouth for my dentist, and he asks (before looking), "What am I going to be seeing?" I tell him, "An inground pool in your backyard."

Little Shop of Horrors is one of my favorites...

Perpetua said...

Poor Pearl. I do hope you feel better very soon.

My take on a gold tooth is that it's an investment both for now and if times get hard.

Glen said...

Get well soon mate -- alcohol helps, I'm told

Glen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I've got three of those gold crowns...I look at them as securities. Last time I was in I asked if I could have a diamond inset....surprisingly he said "I've done that".

esbboston said...

At least when you get cremated your dust/ashes (d-ashes) wiLL be slightly more valuable....

sage said...

I hope you get over your crud soon. This is funny and I didn't see it the first time around, probably because I spent a good part of 2011 out of the country. Your dentist has great humor. Mine is beautifully petite and wears high heels to get her the elevation to look down into her patient's mouths. But I swear, when I'm in the chair, her hands seems to be the size of a catcher's mutt.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I hope you recover quickly, but meanwhile rest a lot and drink liquids. Sorry, that's the best I've got.

Yamini MacLean said...

Dentist? hhmmm I've heard of the species but have yet to find a specimen I want to communicate with - let alone laugh. (Gas not-with-standing).

Hello Pearl, am a newbie at all this but have been following you for a month now and catching up on previous posts. I love it and the books. Hope the 'lurgy' leaves in time for Monday morning.... err, you know I mean that in a nice way, right?

Linda O'Connell said...

Do you want me to come up there and kcik the crap out of that crud? My husband ended up at the urgent care with his misery. Two days later it was on its way. Do hope you perk up.

Douglas said...

Get well soon, Pearl, you have a responsibility to your fans (or is that "stalkers"?), you know.
I have horror stories about dentists that I do not wish to re-visit.

Eva Gallant said...

Hope you feel better soon! I had never seen this post! Enjoyed it much! Your dentist shares your sense of humor!

Mr. Charleston said...

Me too Pearl. Sick that is. I'm feeling better hope you are too.

Daisy said...

Well, gee. I never thought about the possibility of the dentist dropping something down my throat before. Now I've got something new to worry about the next time I'm there!! :)

Hope you feel better soon, Pearl! Hugs to you!

Daisy said...

We so very much hope you are soon better Pearl.
Barbara and Daisy

Geo. said...

Good metaphorical allusion, Pearl. Who knows how many crowns got swallowed in that Scottish play?

Lin said...

Get well soon, Pearl! Polka dots are never a good vision.

NotesFromAbroad said...

I require sedatives, gas and perhaps a few dozen novocaine shots to get me into the dentists office. After that , it is easy peasy.

Congratulations on your gold tooth.
I prefer my gold in rings or some such trifles but a tooth ! you can chew anything now babe !
besitos ... from a boiling hot summer place. C

jenny_o said...

Gotta love crowns for chewing. Well, after the installation part, that is.

Get well quick, Pearl. Drink lots of fluids in small amounts. Crackers. Toast. Can you tell I've just come through my own ick? It's no fun!

River said...

I don't like dentists who tell me they can't find any cause for my pain. They tell me I have mystery pain and send me home. I dream of someday getting crowns on my front teeth, white of course, I wouldn't want to blind people with a 24 carat grin.