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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Call Me Again When You Get Her to the Car

I check the clock next to the bed: 12:40. I consider, reconsider, then answer the phone anyway.


“You haffa come up here.”


“Come up here. I need you to help me kick someone’s ass.”

Hmm. Marie just may be drunk. Slender and beautiful, in all the years I've known her, I don't think I've heard her like this more than a handful of times.

I sit up, switch ears. “What’s going on?”

“Todd, that –“ She goes on to describe her recent ex in glowering, apocalyptic terms. Words related to his physical shortcomings, his mental deficiencies, his fiscal future, and a particularly juicy bit of supposition regarding his lineage tumble out of her angrily.

I laugh softly. “Why do you even care? Seriously, he’s an idiot.”

“I – hic! – know!” she slurs. “And that’s why I’m gonna haffa kill this girl.”

“What girl?”

“His new girlfriend! The stupid bestid has a new girlfriend! It’s been two weeks and he brings her to my bar?  My bar! My pool table!”

She pauses, takes a drink. In the background, a toilet flushes, a hot-air hand dryer comes on.

“I want you to get dressed and come down here,” she continues. “Bring a pillow case an’ some rope.”

“Aw, shoot, Marie. What for?”

“’Cuz I kicked in the bathroom door earlier, made her jump up on the toilet.” Marie laughs. “Oh, Pearl, you shoulda seen ‘er.”

“I’ll bet it was awesome,” I say.

“It was. Seriously, she thinks she can hide from me in a bathroom stall? I tol’ her I was gonna throw a pillow case over her head and beat her with a tube sock full of oranges, stuff her into the trunk of my car, and drag her out to the nature center.”

Marie takes another drink. “Oh, yeah,” she says, hiccupping softly, “I need you to bring a tube sock. And some oranges.”

“Absolutely,” I say. “Tube sock. Oranges. That’s a great idea. Who do we know with access to bail money?”

There is silence followed by a heavy sigh.

“I can’t do this, can I?”

I switch ears. “Probably not,” I yawn, “but we can talk about it some more, if you want.”

A small puff of air escapes her: Pffffft. “Nah. I’m better now. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Hey, Marie?”


“Call a cab, would ya?”

She laughs. “Good idea.”


George Turnbull said...

Pearl ... ya want me to send the 'boys' around?

TexWisGirl said...

sure hope the poor woman escaped the bathroom stall!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

You're a good friend. I'm agonna call you the next time I'm tempted to use my brass knuckles on some unsuspecting twit.

fmcgmccllc said...

Pillowcase and some rope, nah I like my duct tape better.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Cleverly written - Happy Sunday Pearl :)

Vapid Vixen said...

You are such a good friend.

I need to remember this tube sock with oranges idea...

Jackie said...

Oh, this is too good to only read once...
I'm going back for another go.

jenny_o said...

You are a good friend, the kind who answers the phone at all hours and defuses the anger just by listening and caring. Marie's lucky to have you.

Tempo said...

I tend not to be so sympathetic when the phone rings during the night...you better be in REAL trouble before ringing me. Upside down in a ditch with the car on you at the very least...

savannah said...

i'd want you in my corner, too, sugar! xoxoxoxo

Rosemary Nickerson said...


Susan Flett Swiderski said...

You do have a way with words, girl. And obviously, a genuine talent for being exactly the kind of friend a inebriated ticked-off gal needs.

HermanTurnip said...

“Bring a pillow case an’ some rope.”

You know you're someone's best friend when they ask you to bring such items over for a late night ass kicking. Heh...

Leenie said...

Tube sock full of oranges. Ever since yo told me about this weapon I've kept one under my bed to use against zombies and drunks that need to be taught a lesson. No zombies or drunks have invaded yet but now I always have an orange or two kicking around under my bed for snacking. Thanks, Pearl.

Daisy said...

Pearl, you're a good friend. She's lucky to have you to call. :-)

Rose L said...

A good friend can make you face reality.

Cloudia said...

excellent writing (sits up, switches ear)

Aloha to YOU PearL
from Honolulu,
Comfort Spiral
~ > < } } ( ° >

esbboston said...

I would n ever kick a donkey, unless I knew the donkey's opponent to be a veRy fine feller or fella, or I knew that the donkey was veRy unfine.

Linda O'Connell said...

Wow! did you ever resurrect some long repressed memories of my friends in their "hey" days.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

You are an awesome friend not for talking her out of it but for answering the phone in the first place.