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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Waitress? A Round of Shots for That Table Over There, Please


The man at the next table has something to say.

And he’s been saying it loudly and in clear, decisive tones for a good 20 minutes now.

Judging from the looks on the faces around him, it may have been something they were expecting.

Ears assaulted, my eyes wander over the top of my margarita again and again to this table of 12. After-work Happy Hour? Club meeting? Family reunion? They are all wearing Hawaiian shirts, nautically themed shirts, and in the case of one woman, Capris-style shorts patterned with tropical birds…

Red-faced and in lecture mode, the man in question is keen to express his political beliefs.

His table-mates have gone silent and grim.

Giving up, I pull my book out of my purse, begin writing.

“What you people don’t understand…“ 
“What no one knows is…”

The woman to his left ducks her head, closes her eyes as he continues. He slaughters the names of the politicians he is talking about, twists them contemptuously.

He scolds the people at the table for their lack of political savvy.

“What you don’t seem to realize…”

The woman to his right turns away from him. She is Midwestern-ly polite about it, but the body language is clear: I don’t hear you.

The man across from him attempts to break in. “Hold on there a minute, Jim,” he says. “I don’t think there’s any reason to –“

Jim cuts him off. “See, this is where you just don’t understand.” He chuckles indulgently. “You’re being lied to by the people who are controlling what you hear.”

The woman on his right rises, leaves the table.

The woman on his left beckons to the waitress: check, please.

The red-faced man doesn’t notice.

I finish the last of my margarita.

Man, I think. Some people just don’t know how to party.

24 comments:

Sioux said...

I think that guy should have had the little paper umbrella shoved down his throat, or a dozen maraschino cherries crammed into his mouth. Perhaps that would have shut him up?

vanilla said...

Which ones? The one holding court, or the ones entrapped at his table?

Don't you just hate when all you want is a nice relaxing evening, and you get that?

TexWisGirl said...

amen to that!

That Janie Girl said...

Poor people!!

Vapid Vixen said...

It's always fun hanging out with people who don't get social cues.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Yeah..well...what they don't realize is....

jenny_o said...

There's not always one in every bunch, but when there is ... whee hoo, what a boring time!

fishducky said...

There was a guy who would pontificate like that while in the hot tub at our condo. You know how noise carries around a pool? Multiply original volume times stupidity and you got Bob!!

Daisy said...

He doesn't sound like the best to have around as a dinner companion. He's the one who seems clueless to me rather than the others at his table.

Douglas said...

I sometimes wonder if I have been that guy...

Geo. said...

Hawaiian shirts? Very likely Tiki enthusiasts. Alpha members are not selected for political savvy, but for the size of their Tiki collections. They have huge conventions here.

Hannah Denski said...

... he just L O V E S the sound of his own voice... he, the opinionated... never to be asked out ever again... (sadly, I know few like that) : )x

Lynn said...

I think that same guy was behind me in line at the post office the other day.

Ann Imig said...

I'd hate to hear that guy on Funny Hat Day, Pearl. Sheesh.

Maria said...

I saw that guy in Whole Foods the other day.

savannah said...

i always feels sorry for the person who has to drive home with a guy like that! we have a signal to keep each other from falling off that cliff, sugarpie! ;~) xoxoxo

HermanTurnip said...

Hold on a second...I think I work with that guy! He's two cubicles over, always going on about the JFK tapes and Yeti. Yeah, he's a card.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

What a nincompoop. Everybody at the table should have stood up and walked away. (And left Mr. Know-It-All with the check.) Lord, I hope he wasn't their boss.

Leenie said...

What you don’t seem to realize Mr. Bigmouth is nobody here cares what you think.

River said...

Does he not realise that the place for stepping up on one's soapbox is in Central Park?
Yes, I know it's probably freezing out there.
Yes, he may freeze his tongue off.
No, I don't care.

Pat said...

And the more he drinks the worse he'll get.

darsden said...

:-)

Eva Gallant said...

And that's the truth!

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

I often feel like leaving when my husband gets started on a topic and gets loud and annoying but I am his wife I shouldn't leave so I just turn out and pretend I am somewhere else............lol