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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Side Effects are What’ll Get Ya


I was recently on the receiving end of a dose of antibiotics.

I will be forever grateful.

But prescription drugs come with extras.

“Avoid Direct Sunlight.”  “May Cause Dizziness.”  “May Cause Vivid Dreams”.

Avoid direct sunlight?  It’s Minneapolis in January. 

Done.

And it causes dizziness? I accept the challenge.  Insufficient Eustachian tubes ensure that I never take my balance for granted.  How would I know if the spins were organic or not? 

But the vivid dreams --

May Cause Vivid Dreams.

That one’s mine.  That’s my side effect.

For years now, and long before I had actually read the fine print, I have known that some drugs cause nightmares.  Under their direction, I’ve woken from deep sleeps shaking and terrified, eyes wide, scanning the darkness for unnamed assailants.

But this prescription?

This one?

I had a dream the other night that was just about the poorest excuse for a dream I’ve ever had.

The details are fuzzy – I was asleep at the time – but I know the following things:

I am rock climbing, except it is primarily sand.  In the middle of a particularly tasty slope I manage to dislodge a boulder.  It rolls to the center of the quaint dirt road at the bottom of the ravine, where it stops and ensures that some unknown animal just beyond it is stuck in the barn without feed.

Concurrently, I find that I’ve been locked in a bathroom.  There is a man in a black suit, looking a bit like Rod Serling, trying to get in through the window.  “Have you,” he shouts through the glass, “accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into your life as your personal lord and savior?”

It is at this time that I poop my pants.  It is a surprisingly clean, nonchalant affair. 

Really, if I hadn’ta told ya, you’da never knowed.

It is shortly after this that I am physically encroached upon in such a ridiculously inept display of eagerly budding sexuality that I shudder to recall it.  It was earnest, it was awkward – Let’s just say that the words “fumble” and “ham-handed” spring to mind and call it a day.

The dreams caps itself off with me waking myself by biting the hands I have tucked under my chin.

I bite myself awake.

I am grateful, of course, for the drugs, and know that there are far more serious side effects available to me. 

But I just can’t shake that awful make-out session. 

40 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Thank God your teeth weren't in a glass on your night table.

Shelly said...

There's just so much to pick from in this nocturnal buffet.

Was your partner in the makeout session the Rod Serling-esque guy?

Was the animal trapped one of the kittehs?

Were you embarrassed after the pooping incident, or did you feel relieved?

What a kaleidoscope of inquiry!

Simply Suthern said...

This is two post in a row where you have soiled yourself.

Have you had bouts of drooling and episodes of memory loss.

Are you trying to tell us something?

Pearl said...

I had not realized that I've been soiling myself lately.

Hmm. That might be a problem...

The guy in the make-out session was NOT Rod Serling, but who was he?

I got the impression that the unfed aminal was a cow.

I actually had no feelings about the soiling-myself bit, just a sense of mild curiosity...



And Delores? I am thankful that my teeth are not in a jar next to the bed. My grandmother's were, and it irked her no end.

Shelly said...

And Pearl, I don't often LOL, but this one made me, and heartily~

Pearl said...

Shell, I'm glad. I have to admit that while writing this -- after an 11-hour workday! -- that I questioned whether or not this was suitable blog material. :-)

jenny_o said...

Between this post and the comments so far, I too am LOL-ing :) :)

Note to self: return later and LOL some more :)

Most of my dreams are centered on a full bladder and a fruitless quest to find a working bathroom with a door. Yes. I have issues.

Hilarious post, although I know these dreams are not fun at the time.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

What I want to know is: did you check your pants when ya woke up? Because I have had dreams where I've peed my pants.

And I have nothing further to add, your Honor.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You bit yourself awake! Once I bit my husband awake, but never myself!

Suldog said...

I've never bitten myself awake (I mean even when my teeth weren't in a glass) but I once woke myself by punching a wall. The rest of the dream has since left my memory, but the end involved a knockdown drag out fight and I swung a mighty haymaker at my opponent. Yup. Left a mighty fine scratch on the wall where my wedding ring contacted it.

(MY WIFE has never complained about me hitting her during those times we've slept together, Thank God.)

Perpetua said...

LOL, Pearl. I do hope the drug worked well enough to outweigh those side-effects. I've had dreams of embarrassment, toilet problems and heaven knows what else, but I don't think I've ever bitten myself awake.....

Indigo Roth said...

Pearl, I gots to know... HAVE accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into your life as your personal lord and savior? If Rod Serling asked ME, I'd give it some thought. I'm just sayin'. Roth x

Leenie said...

I hope you are well soon. Speaking from experience a mind that has an active imagination certainly doesn't need extra help to have vivid dreams.

fishducky said...

Your dream sounds perfectly normal to me--what's your problem?

fmcgmccllc said...

I don't even want to know why you needed these antibiotics with side effects. I have never had side effect antibiotics. On the other hand I changed gender in a recent dream and kept arguing with my dream self that I could not be a guy.

vanilla said...

Laughter at your expense-- great start for another day. Oh, wait. I do wish you well and hope you can get off the nightmare-inducing meds soonest.

Geo. said...

Perhaps the barn has progressed from work-simile (Jan. 28 post) to dream-metaphor. I recommend patience. Retirement age arrived for me. The world rolled back the boulder and cried,"Your barn door is open!"

Jono said...

Take more drugs to see what happens next!

Dr Zibbs said...

Ha! I have weird dreams too.

Douglas said...

Get better soon. I have side effect dreams whenever I am horribly ill. It's not the drugs, antibiotic or otherwise, it's the fever I suspect in my case since the dreams come well before the antibiotics are taken.

I am still waiting for the promised flashbacks from the 60's experimentation I happily engaged in.

Buttons said...

Oh I had a witty comment all wrapped up in my head till I read mybabyjohn/Delores comment and I just lost it. Sorry maybe next time. :) B

Pat Tillett said...

I've had some wild and crazy dreams, but never resorted to biting myself awake. For some reason, I know that I'm asleep and that it's only a dream (or nightmare), so I just roll with it.

Joanne Noragon said...

Totally LOLable. As punishment for having a massive stroke I swallow several drugs a day. For arthritis and another minor ailment or two, several more. Some have dream warnings. When the dreams get together, they are Pearl class. But you know how to tell them!

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

At least Vivid Dreams is a better side effect than Sleep Crime.

Belle said...

I have vivid dreams without the use of pills and have all my life. It is a pain in the neck. Literally. My shoulders and neck tighten up and then ache.

I really laughed at the dream. Oh my, Rod Serling. Well, he did have a show on the supernatural so it makes sense he would warn you about giving your life to Jesus. I hope you do, if you haven't already. It's the greatest trip in the world. I've never regretted it.

wendy house said...

*like* dreams can be such fun when handled with due care and attention. Get well soon :-)

Kana said...

I think we've all heard how animals will gnaw off extremities to get out of a trap...this must have been quite a tender (ham-handed) trap of a scene! THank you for delighting me with your desparate plight with the proselytizing Serling (proSerlingtizing?) in the loo. It made me chortle like an infant at my workstation. You're my favorite lunchtime read.

Ms Sparrow said...

Wow, when you dream, you come up with some doozies!

The Geezers said...

Amen. Ain't Minneapolis in January a hoot?

Gigi said...

Oh Pearl! How I love you, your stories can totally turn my day around on a dime.

Of course, I'm sorry you are on antibiotics AND having what seems to be, VERY vivid, dreams as a result...but still...day completely turned around.

Stef said...

Wow. I am wondering where I can get some of that medication. Ha

Stef said...

Wow. I am wondering where I can get some of that medication. Ha

Jayne Martin said...

Sounds like an acid-flashback I had once. Hey! Don't think you can sneak out here to the West Coast without seeing me. Let me know when and where, my friend.

Stephen Hayes said...

How frightening. My wife once gave me one of her pain killers for my back pain and I hallucinated all night that I was on a roller coaster with Oprah. I prefer the pain.

Daisy said...

I hear you. Cold medicine makes me have horrible, vivid nightmares. In fact, they are bad enough that sometimes I do the best I can to NOT take that kind of medicine unless absolutely necessary.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

I have had some strange dreams but thankfully not in a long time, yeah I have heard that some medications can affect your dreams but mostly have not been affected..........I do not think I would like to bit myself in my sleep......lol

Linda O'Connell said...

Just think of the books you could write if you used your med-induced dreams as fodder. Hope you are feeling better.

Diane Tolley said...

I want your dreams. Just for a while. Mine inevitably feature our family somewhere on vacation and me trying to sort out sleeping accommodations for millions. It's exhausting. I wake up with the vague need to go somewhere and do something. I'd take Rod Serling, a make-out session, albeit a clumsy one, and scrambling through sand and rocks while frantically trying to feed some forlorn animal any time. I think I would opt out of the whole 'soiling' part of the episode, however . . .

Tempo said...

That was a scary vision there Pearl... I'm guessing the Left side of your brain rejected the right hand side of your brains disgraceful behaviour in the dream by making you bite the hand that feeds you and thereby saving you from being permanently scared.

River said...

That is a weird series of vignettes indeed. I much prefer dreams that follow only a single story line.