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Saturday, January 19, 2013

It's Possible I've Been Affected by the Cold


I hate to say anything – there are repercussions, after all, for Failure to Keep a Stiff Upper Lip. What with it so early in the season, one likes to pace these things, but I’m afraid there’s no getting around it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have tired of winter.

We kid ourselves, we temperate-zone living types. But if you left Minnesota, you’d miss the change in seasons! We’re somehow better than others because we suffer… Yes, I will return to those rationalizations soon, don’t you worry; but in the meantime, won’t someone think of the children?

And by “children”, of course, I mean me.

It’s tiring, all this “cold”. One finds oneself starved for green, for moist nasal passages, for inappropriately dressed teenagers. Summer is half a world away, and every building you leave implies a vengeful Mother Nature, every open door is an invitation to your potential demise and a local headline.

Inappropriately Dressed Woman Found Dead. Local Authorities Mock Her Stupidity.

It’s true. You can still find people here in tennis shoes, in “hoodies”. My advice to you? Do not go near those people. They are delusional, possibly dangerous, and should be shunned, or, at the very least, presented with a thin-lipped show of disapproval.

But oh, how I want to step outside with nothing on but my undies, pants, shirt, socks, shoes, and possibly a jaunty little cap! I want to run down the center of an ice-free street! I want to hear the birds again, the sound of car stereos, the increasingly bizarre mating rituals of the young and uninhibited!

I want to live!

Alas, it’s mid-January. The Mississippi River has frozen over, my porch serves admirably as a walk-in cooler, and the cats double as hot water bottles. The ground is white, the sky is white, and stories of snow-blindness and those slit-eyed glasses the Inuit made out of whale bone come to mind.

And there’s two and-a-half months left.

Shhhhh. Did you hear that? Listen! Is that ruddy-faced skier from Accounting near the copier again? Do you think he heard me? Public displays of winter intolerance are frowned upon, and I’ve not been properly rosy-cheeked this month, nor have I said “uff da” yet this year.

I didn’t mean any of it, okay? It – it – you won’t say anything, will you? I like winter! I like the cold!

It keeps the riff-raff out!

Please. I have a reputation to uphold.

36 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

They won't hear it from me..but..I can't wait for sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee weather.

vanilla said...

Uff da, indeed.

It would seem that the "stiff upper lip" should be no problem.

SparkleFarkel said...

"I want to live!"

I love your Susan Hayward-speak!

Esther Montgomery said...

I understand why you feel like this but, from an almost snowless coast, it sounds wonderful and I wish we could have something like it - at least for a little bit.

Brian Miller said...

we finally got snow this week...so it finally feels like winter...it was 74 last saturday...36 today...i wish it would just pick one...until then...stocking up on snow balls...

Lin said...

We have had a downright balmy winter in Chicago. There are no below zero days (or nights) or any snow to report--barely a flake! And while that sounds dreamy to some, I say this stinks. If it's gonna be winter, then lets have some cold and snow! Then we will appreciate the warm weather when it comes this summer.

And my gardens will actually have a rest. They are FRIED from last year's too early spring and drought-filled summer. :(

Send me your cold and snow, Pearl. I'll take it.

That said, my idiot teen daughter refuses to wear an actual "winter" coat. She's one of those fools who is walking around in a hoodie. Ugh.

Jerry said...

Tsk. Tsk. I don't feel your pain. It is supposed to hit 60 here in Houstontown. But you will get the last laugh as I have to spend some time in Calgary, Alberta next month.

Rene Foran said...

Let's go, Pearl
You and me
We can outrun this bastard
We can lower our shoulders
And smile with our cheeks
Like Floridians

haphazardlife said...

I want to live too. I was already tired of winter in November... I hate Montreal 5 to 6 months out of the year. That's no way to live.

Perpetua said...

Pearl, your winter makes our bit of snow and ice look like a walk in the park. Here's hoping spring comes early for you this year.

joeh said...

We are having a mild winter in NJ and I am dissapointed. I love the cold and the snow...for like 2 weeks...then I go nuts.

jenny_o said...

We are past the half-way mark in January, which means there's only a week or so left. Then February is a whole three days shorter than January was, and it's full of chocolate. And according to the calendar,March is spring!!!

At least that's what I tell myself every winter, through my stiff upper lip.

Hope you get a chinook soon.

Susan Williams said...

When the zombie apocalypse comes...and it will...you are totally going to outlast me by decades.

You have the (albeit frozen) intestinal fortitude to outlast any zombie trying to exist off of brainsicles in the arctic Minnesotan winters.

Pauline said...

Why Pearl, you little... complaining will get you nowhere, as you've probably figured out. Here in MA we're in a deep freeze with snow, too (but most likely not for the duration).

Thanks for stopping by my blog to comment :)

Robbie Grey said...

Only two and a half months left?!? Our winter ends around April, sometimes May, but that's when the weather behaves itself. Seasonal burnout hits here around mid-march through April. The most charming contemplate the most horrific of murder plots. There are puppets involved.

Hang in there, tiger. Spring will be here. Sooner than you think, but later than you hope.

Heidrun Khokhar, KleinsteMotte said...

Start searching for snowdrops in the forest and you'll smile soon enough.. Just around the bend is another heat wave. You know it andthen you'll want it cooler.

Hannah Denski said...

Ah, winter's so beautiful for the full 15 mins of fun in the snow... after that, let's head back to spring! Quick!

PS: I've a feeling Minnesota is tad cooler than London - I am telling you, makes no difference - cold is COLD) :)x

Joanne Noragon said...

I have my eye on Minneapolis. First you shovelled the snow off on us and now the freezing cold comes tomorrow. You probably will be left with spring.

Red said...

With all this professional complaining , you could talk yourself to going to Hawaii for say..a couple of weeks...maybe more...lots more!

Linda O'Connell said...

As we say in our town, wait a day, 64 degrees today and 24 tomorrow.

Pat said...

What I hate about it is when the thought of a cold glass of Chablis leaves me cold. Pardon the pun.

Geo. said...

I send warm wishes your way, Pearl. Don't freeze; it's important.

Suldog said...

"And there’s two and-a-half months left."

Congratulations! Even amid your protestations, you have proven your worthiness to live in the northern climes. Nobody outside of an area such as yours or mine would consider a 45-or so degree first day of April as anything other than a continuation of winter. And, yes, it DOES keep the riff-raff out ("out" being defined as Florida, I suppose.)

WrathofDawn said...

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

I hear ya. I have to move my earmuffs out of the way, but I hear ya.

Inspector Clouseau said...

I lived in Los Angeles for 30 years. My first Thanksgiving there, the temperature was 94 degrees. A typical summer day was 85, and a typical winter day was 75. I returned to North Carolina a few years ago. I still haven't figured out why anyone willingly endures cold, if they do not have to.

Daisy said...

I'm with you, Pearl. I'm so tired of the cold and the grey outside. I really wish I lived farther south. Winter doesn't sit well with me. Here's hoping for an early spring!

darsden said...

OMG, you saw me in my undies running around in the sun this morning!!

What all you just said is why I live in the South

River said...

uff da?
What is uff da?
Cross off each week on a calendar and watch spring inching closer.
you know, if you moved to Australia, you could run down ice-free streets every day of the year.

jeanie said...

We had a slight weather change here after a light shower overnight - so instead of intensely hot it was intensely hot and steamy.

Went to a child's birthday party today - slip and slide and the pool were the kids playthings, chasing the shade was the realm of the adults.

We discussed looking forward to winter - here we occasionally need a cardigan and maybe a blanket when it chills right down.

Vinny C said...

You could probably still wear a jaunty little cap if you wanted. Sure you'd probably have to wear it over a head wrap & knit cap, but you still could. Okay, maybe a jaunty big cap.

The Geezers said...

As a fellow Minneapolitan (?) I surely do empathize with this one. Nice to meet a good blogger from my own town.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I consider this to be character-building weather. Turns out my character is increasingly whiny and prone to hibernation, but still. Now I'm looking forward to a day as warm as yesterday's 40 degrees, but we're going to be below zero for two days straight. Uff da indeed.

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Seems like some of us are complaining about the bloody heat others are complaining about the cold so we all like to complain about the weather.............lol

Rose L said...

I, too, am tired of the cold but that is mainly because I still do nto have any insulation under my hole and it is COLD in here!! I am dressed in layers, wearing thermal underwear, and wrapped in blankets...like a bag lady in my own home! Brrrrr.

Jen said...

"Local Authorities Mock Her Stupidity." Yeah. Just like Jack London would.

When moving back to November from the tropics several years ago, I found winter MOST inconvenient. You have to THINK before you walk out the door. What do I need to put on myself? On the kids? Where are our hats? Is this coat really heavy enough? Why didn't we budget an extra 15 minutes for this?

Here in Indonesia, you just slip on your sandals & motorcycle helmet, and you're good to go.

Eva Gallant said...

From here in Maine, I'm totally with you on this!!!