I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, January 13, 2013

I'll Bet My Life Would Sound Better if it were Narrated

Pearl does not feel well, something she knows is real when she begins to refer to herself in the third person.  Please enjoy, then, a repost from 2010.  It was true then, and it's true now.

The streets are treacherous, my friend, and have taken it upon themselves to break the bones of both of the women next door (one ankle and one wrist apiece).

And here I am, laden with a yoga bag and my “bus” purse (large enough to hold my lunch but not big enough for a pony).

The narrator speaks in hushed tones:
“Armed carefully with her cash card, a lipstick, 10 pounds of various things she feels she must carry with her and her belaying rope, she picks her way carefully down the icy sidewalks, choosing the placement of her feet as carefully as the sherpas and mountain men who had gone on before her. Let’s follow as she negotiates these treacherous city streets.”

The name is Pearl.

Pearl Norgay.

The thought that someone like Morgan Freeman – or perhaps David Attenborough – is in a small studio somewhere, sipping tea and commenting on my life, helps me get through these “Hey! Is that the SUN shining?” days.

We do what we can to keep our strength up.

But what I would propose to you, my world-wide-like friends, is that in the same way winter is not for the faint of heart, it is also not for asthmatics, people who enjoy sensation in all their limbs – including the locally-endangered toes – or this strange breed of male insisting that shorts are year-‘round attire.

Yes. I recently saw a man, outside, wearing shorts.

Now, I am not a violent woman. And yet when the temperature is 3 degrees outside Fahrenheit (that's 16 below Celsius), the vision of this, my clueless neighbor, climbing out of his car to walk into the grocery store wearing a pair of shorts, a hoodie, and sandals, produces violent thoughts in me.

Something in me wants to punch him.

And before you think perhaps he had been to the gym and was just popping in for a quick Gatorade, I put to you while it was technically possible for this to be true, I would wager that it was not.

But what does my inner narrator say about it?

“Stepping lightly from the ladder that takes him from the driver’s seat to the tarmac, he scans the parking lot. Surely someone has seen him, remarked upon the impressive girth of his vehicle. Chuckling softly, he notes that, again, he has done well in his purchase of the largest mode of civilian transportation available. He steps away from the car, pressing the remote to lock it – BEEP BEEP – and observes with satisfaction the people who turn. They have, without doubt, noticed his casual dress, his expensive vehicle and have been made aware of his manly bearing. He enters the grocery store in pursuit of the elusive mesquite barbecued chicken – and this time – this time! – expenses be damned, he would buy potato chips as well.”

Everywhere, the people in my life are heading to warmer climes. Their narrators have tired of looking for synonyms for “cold”, “snow”, and “seasonal depression” and have given them leave to, well, leave. Just look at them! On their way to Vegas, just back from Hawaii, looking forward to trips to Puerto Rico, they have lost touch with the subtle insanity of winter.

But not me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m riding this SOB out.

And I’m gonna kick this season old-style.

Shhh. You hear that? Morgan is speaking again...

“Pearl carefully eyes the city bus, calculating which of her fellow riders is most apt to smell funny…”


mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Hope you feel better soon. It's easier to navigate the evil streets of winter when you're healthy.

Linda Myers said...

I left Seattle's winter for Tucson's. Without shame. And then the skies cleared in Seattle and the temperatures dropped in Tucson. Today the forecast for both places is exactly the same.

I'm waiting until next week. Then I will laugh.

Perpetua said...

Get well soon, Pearl. I know what you mean about winter cold not being for asthmatics. I wheeze like a grampus in sub-zero temperatures, but at least I have the sense not to wear shorts and sandals!

joeh said...

Feel well soon.

I would say get better, but not sure that is possible, besides I enjoy your deranged mind.

I think you should do the narrator thing more often...James Earle Jones would be a nice choice.
"Pearl, I am your cat."

fishducky said...

Damn, I love the way you write!!

wellfedfred said...

I once worked for a very strange person who did his own narration - as in Mr B can't find that memo." We never knew if he thought he was standing next to himself or if he was just plain nuts.

Love the purse, it seems to get bigger & heavier every time I read about it.

Macy said...

No no no no no Pearl. As Pearl heads for the bus we all wonder if this will be the momentous day in which she first exchanges phone numbers with the biker dude guy

Because, face it, it's the only thing that would really really put Liza Bean Bite in her place.

Pat said...

I seem to have been saying this all day; get well soon.
Is there an epidemic?
Pamper time - get those kitties off their little butts and make with the hot toddies.
PS It helps to stick a hot poker in the toddy.

NotesFromAbroad said...

So if we move back to the US and get the flu, will I start talking in the 3rd person too ?
I would prefer speaking as if I were Queen of Somewhere ... Her Majesty is not amused. Her Majesty wants to visit Pearl .. that sort of thing :)
hugs. C

Daisy said...

Try not to sit too close to the ones that smell funny because sometimes that smell stays with you a long time!

Hope you feel better soon, Pearl!

BECKY said...

Hey Pearl....Hope you feel better really soon! Thank goodness for us, your faithful readers, that you have plenty of funny blog posts to keep us happy in your absence! ...Seriously, hope you're back to your old "Normal" self really soon.....

bill lisleman said...

"expenses be damned, he would buy potato chips as well" - ah those were the days - company biz trips that included chips.
Hope your feeling better soon

Cloudia said...

Honey, YOU are your own narrator!

Say, HOW did you get those images of your books and links on your blog??!!

it just so happens. . . . . Have YOU e-booked yet?

Aloha from Honolulu-

Please enjoy a Free Download/Peek at my Hawaii Novel @ Kindle eBooks!
Aloha Where You Like Go?

vanilla said...

This chicken Hoosier sends greetings from Texas. We truly wish you well.

Kathleen McCoy said...

Hope you feel better soon, Pearl, and are back to kicking the season in no time!

jenny_o said...

jenny_o often thinks about how her untimely demise might be written up in the local (no, national!) newspapers:

Local Mom, Rushing to Grocery Store, Trips on Front Step, Falls on Brick Walkway and Succumbs to Head Injuries After Five Weeks in Coma.

Or: Local Middle-Aged Woman Eaten by Pet Kittehs After Forgetting to Feed Them and Falling Asleep for 14 Hours.


It's a similar affliction.

Speaking of afflictions, get better already :)

Leenie said...

I loved this one the first time and it is even better the second time. (May the germs attacking you suddenly realize the futility of their mission and commit suicide).

It takes a brain-numbed fool or an extreme trekker to make it through a winter in the Northern Tier. After years of this double digit below zero I'm positive I fit in the fool category but I have Sigorny Weaver narrating my life so I'm thinking it's worth it to stick around to see what happens next.

HermanTurnip said...

Oh no! Get better, Pearl! The wife and I got our flu shots this weekend in hopes that we'll ward off the current flu contagion that seeping about.

As your doctor, I suggest you plop down on the couch, cover yourself with a warm blanket, throw on a good movie, and make yourself a large hot toddy.

klahanie said...

Ah Pearl,

Of course, David Attenborough, well known for his wildlife documentaries.....

Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar and myself, the mere human she allows to live with her, wish you a speedy recovery.

All the beast, I mean, all the best! :)

sage said...

I hope you get to feeling better soon, Pearl

Lin said...

Poor 'ol Pearl is feeling poorly? Get well, my friend. While we enjoy your re-runs, it's nothing like the fresh and up-to-date Pearl we know and love.

Get better soon!

Amber Star said...

Dear Pearl,
I hope you feel much better soon. I know what you mean about the one idjit who just didn't believe the forecast or that shivery feeling when leaving the house and the wind is howling. We have them around here in Texas, too. I saw one at the grocery store last night. We had a cold front come through yesterday around noonish. The wind really did start to howl and the temperatures started to plummet.

We were inside a car dealership dickering over a new car with the salesman for the entire afternoon as the temperature continued to fall. When we left after five hours the entire staff was standing around by the doors. They probably had bets about how long it would take to sell a car to us. They just don't know how much stamina older folks have. Heck, we don't have much else to do.

Anyway, we stopped by the grocery store on the way home and sure enough there was a guy buying groceries in shorts and a tee shirt. It started sleeting on our way home. It isn't just up your way, Pearl.

The Elephant's Child said...

Get better very, very quickly. Just the same, I still think it is easier (and more pleasant) to deal with excessive cold than it is to deal with excessive heat. I would gladly swap with you.

Linda O'Connell said...

Kick that crud soon, then hop on the bus, don't forget about us. We have a need to know about the crazies. Seriously, wishing you well.

Hannah Denski said...

:))) Ah Pearl, I'm with you - in my thoughts - fight it out! It's snowing here in London! (Attenborough and Freeman - great choice!) x

Jo-Anne Meadows said...

Damn this was funny and what's more I could here Morgan's voice as I read it..........lol Maybe I am disturbed if so that's ok nothing wrong with being a little disturbed as long as one is not running around the neighbourhood in shorts and thongs in the middle of winter....lol

Roses said...

Yeah, I understand that.

Lawrence runs hot. Which means he walks around in the middle of winter in a t-shirt and a fleece, which is more like a thin cardigan.

Happily, he does not wear shorts or sandals in the winter, or I'm sure I'd commit murder.