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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Wherein My Body Has a Firm Word with My Brain

My body has had quite a lot to say recently.

It started talking last Thursday, when I developed the headache that I now carry with me at all times.  Oddly enough, this headache, while making me squint and periodically push my fingers into my eye sockets until  colors explode with black and red abandon, has not put me in a particularly bad mood. 

“I’m the same way,” my sister says.  “Why let pain get in the way of a good time?”

Still, I’ve been subconsciously reaching for my temples for days.

“Kinda expect to find a vise there, don’t you?”  This from my body. 

“Yes,” I admit.  “I reach up, expecting to find a bolt, a set of calipers perhaps.  And yet, I find nothing.  I don’t know what’s going on. ”

“Wait’ll tomorrow,” my body says.  “Hoo, boy.”

Hoo, boy?”  I frown.  “What does that mean?”

My body shrugs, snaps open a newspaper and pretends to be deep in thought.  “Hmm.  Says here we can expect falling temperatures.”

My brain squeezes itself past the pressure being applied to my eyeballs and barks a mirthless sound approximating a laugh.  “Ha!  You do realize it’s December in Minnesota?  You can repeat the words “falling temperatures” until March.”  The brain, she squints at the body.  “Are you, sir, toying with me?”

And for the first time since puberty, my body sets down its paper and looks my brain square in the face.

“One,” it says, “I need you to drink more water.”

“But I’m not from –“

“For cryin’ eye, Brain, if I hear that tired old line about not being from water-drinking people one more time, I’m going to take you to a strip club.”

“Well I shan’t go,” the brain says.  “It’s exploitation.”

The body shrugs.  “Some of them are nice to look at.”

The brain purses its lips primly.  “Do shut up.”

“And sleep,” the body goes on, “I want more sleep.”

Silence from the brain.  The brain likes to stay up.

“And the neti pot.  You said you’d use it more often.  It’s a very dry time of year, and my nasal passages are aching.”

The brain nods cautiously.  “I found myself cogitating on this just the other day, that the headache may, perchance, be the inadvertent result of self-created dehydration.”

The body snorts in disgust.  “And I’m cogitating,” it says, “of giving you a swirly, you keep that kinda talk up.”

“A swir—“

“I’m gonna stick my head – full of you, brain-face – in the toilet and keep flushing until you shut up.”

The brain blinks slowly, rises, clears its throat.  “Upon further reflec – um, I’m thinking that perhaps you know best in this case, my dear body.  In bed tonight by 9:00, I promise.”

“And water?  You’ll drink more water?”

“I shall make a concerted effort.”

The body heaves a sigh of relief.   “You’re a good brain when you try.”

39 comments:

Shelly said...

Pearl's brain: Watch the body's advice about the neti pot. I think I might still have part of one lodged in my frontal lobe.

Pearl: I hope you feel better soon~

Pearl said...

My body and brain both thank you, Shelly. :-)

Shelly said...

And I meant to add- I LOVE the new book! I got it last night and read it through without stopping. What a fun and clever read it is. What do the kittehs think of it? Do they know you've pulled back the covers on the hidden life of cats?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Yes...every once in a while I wake up and my brain is dizzy....that is my body telling me I haven't been drinking my water. Coffee and pop are no substitute for cool clear water. Listen up Pearlie....the body knows whereof it speaks.

Leenie said...

Yes, there is that battle between brain and body all the time. Kinda reminds me of the joke about the brain thinking it rules until the sewer system decides to shut down. Proving you don't have to be a brain to be in control just an -----.

Pearl said...

Shelly, OH I'M SO GLAD!!! Of course Liza Bean's read the book, but Dolly's saving it. Who knows why. That cat's a weirdo. :-)

Delores, my body talks a lot -- and it's usually pretty funny -- but there's been nothing funny about how dry it is here. Honey, I don't "lotion" anymore, I "oil". This is one nasty little season we got goin' on...

Pearl said...

Leenie, ahhhhh. :-) I so wish I'd let more of my body in on this post!

jenny_o said...

Dry skin alert: Try cream instead of oil OR lotion - it's thicker and stays on longer.

Of course, ya can't be washing it off every day either. And none of that soap except on the special bits, which apparently now includes feet :)

This from a doctor. Not me. My mom's.

jenny_o said...

Sorry - too busy giving out free medical advice (ahem) to say - very fun post!

fishducky said...

I (obviously) stopped listening to my brain years ago!!

fmcgmccllc said...

Just on the odd chance you have a tiny bit of vanity, the water keeps you from looking like an old crone.

Ms Sparrow said...

Hmmm, maybe I should be trotting out the old neti pot too!

Jono said...

I just took a couple of big gulps from my always available cup of water while reading this post. Awesome!

esbboston said...

Selfswirlization; ah, sounds like a form of sewer-cide (Two new words! You hit the jackpot today!)

Pearl said...

jenny_o, I've found that stuff made with bee's wax is great in this kind of weather, too.

fishducky, :-) my brain won't let me ignore it. Damn thing talks almost continuously.

fmcglccllc, I can be quite vain about my looks, actually, and you've brought up a very good point!

Ms. Sparrow, absolutely. I've actually used it once a day for the past three days and the difference it's made in how my breathing feels is noticeable.

Jono, so you're one of those smart guys, huh?! Yeah. I really do need to drink more water...

esb, that was fabulous. :-)

Daisy said...

your brain has been talking to my brain and now I have a glass of water. Wash or drink??

Ian Lidster said...

Damn bodies. They tell us stuff, they do. As a chronic sinus sufferer I think neti-pots and other types of sinal irrigation are great. Hmm, that's not something I've ever discussed with a girl before.

Pearl said...

Daisy, drink! Ooooh, and don't mind if I have one myself! *clink*

Ian, I feel this has brought us closer. :-)

Douglas said...

My body engages in conversation too! Usually, though, it just says gurgle, rumble, and occasionally a trumpet blare... of sorts. Nothing as intelligent as yours.

Mad Woman behind the Blog said...

Oh, Pearl, how I've missed you!
My knees have been giving me the weather report for years and I'm not that old, damn it.

I have forgotten how entertaining your writing is... and then of course there is the wit of your commenters.

Can you ask your body if an icecube in my Baileys counts as drinking more water?

Joanne Noragon said...

Listen, you could be in trouble. Did this paper come right from Hillary Clinton's briefing yesterday?

The Happy Whisk said...

Howdy Pearl - That was a fun read and you ended it well with, "You're a good brain when you try."

Good stuff.

PS: In response to your comment, Poopyhead is the name I sometimes call my husband.

Cheers and boogie boogie.

Pat said...

How long since you had your eyes tested? Just askin'.

The Elephant's Child said...

The body can be a bit of a bully sometimes can't it? Do get better soon though.
And, judging by all the comments, your book is going to be a wonderful Christmas present (to me from me) when it gets here. Thank you o woman of great talent.

Stephen Hayes said...

Your brain is right, about drinking lots of water if nothing else.

HermanTurnip said...

My brain refuses to function before 9am, continues to insist that scrambled eggs taste great with grape jelly and heaps of salt, and insists that Adam West played the greatest Batman ever. My brain is a very disturbed organ...

Austan said...

When the body talks, ya better listen. My teeth told me the other day, "You better be true to me, or I'll be false to you!"

Eva Gallant said...

I'm a great believer in water ingestion....hope it helps you feel better!

Tempo said...

Not to worry Pearl, soon it will be Spring and your headache will be a long forgotten memory... Ahh,(relaxing)
Spring will bring you other worries, like plant pollen, dust bunnies and noisy neighbours. (No need to thank me...)

George Turnbull said...

My body parts recently attended a conference.

Amongst the topics discussed were:

a. Stomach: Sinking to a new low

b. Knees: Taking the strain.

(at this point an argument broke out between my Pizza-gland and Stomach, each blaming the other for the strain on the Knees)

c. Bladder: To burst or not to burst? That is the question.

Unfortunately I wasn't invited.

River said...

In this case, I'm siding with the body 100%. Possibly even 110%.
Brains are notorious for stretching their limits and ignoring both hydration and the need for sleep.
Drink a glass of water and go to bed. Repeat every day for a week and notice the difference. You're welcome.
(Dr. River)

Rose L said...

My brain seems to always become rather chatty when I lay down to sleep. It nags me to remember to do tasks, tells me things I should do, nags at me about things I have been remiss in doing, and just wants to chat. I have even hollered at it to shut up and sleep with me.

Mr. Charleston said...

Can't let pain get in the way of a good time. Now, that's a philosophy to live by.

Jen said...

Oh dear. I sincerely hope this is fiction. A headache for a whole week? That really stinks.

Jen said...

P.S. Love the brain's stuffy 10-dollar words.

Brian Miller said...

haha one should listen to their body...a strip club eh, now there is fair punishment...oy...my whole fam is sick right now...i am the last one standing...think i will drink a toast with some water....or juice...

jeanie said...

My body and brain aren't on such good terms.

They just go along not bothering each other, until I get a small kidney pain and the body says the no water line to brain and then adds "you will die" and brain spends the next 24 hours writhing in agony.

With NO sense of humour.

Daisy said...

My brain and body have been in conflict with no compromise in sight for years! Great post, Pearl! I hope you feel better soon.

esbboston said...

I think my faavoriite form of h2o is each end of the H-CH2CH2-OH molecule. (Ethanol)