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Monday, December 3, 2012

The 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Event


“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Event.  My name is Greg Dowdy – “

“ -- and I’m David Weekly.  You know, we’ve been watching these players come up through the ranks, from the local tournaments through the mid-regional events to the Cwad County Cwazy Contest, and all I’ve got to say is wow.  Wow.  These people can really take their clothes off.”

“That’s right, David.  And while it’s true we seem to be seeing more elastic than we used to, these games will just show to go ya one thing, and that’s that we upper Midwest people know how to party.”

“That’s right, Greg.  When the ground gets cold and the night gets long, it’s then that we take a look around our walls and start thinkin’, MAN but I gotta do something with my life, this kinda cold is makin’ my knuckles hurt – oh!  And I believe we’ve just gotten the flag from the judges, and, yes, here comes the two-minute bell for the first event.”

“David, first up are Amy Peterson and Lori Peterson, no relation.  We’ve seen these two before but this is the first time we’ll see them compete against each other.  As in all other disrobes, both gals are wearing a full complement of winter clothing:  bra and underwear, of course, plus slippers, socks, leggings, flannel pants, camisole, long-sleeved tee, cardigan, and the optional pillow cushion.”

“That’s right, Greg.  This year’s battle includes the omnipresent pillow.  And what a decision that has been.”

“It was contentious, David, but it was successfully argued by the Ohio team last year that pillows, couch cushions and stuffed animals were, to anyone sitting on a couch for more than 30 minutes, considered clothing.”

“And that little announcement, Greg, has opened the door to this year’s contention by the team from Wisconsin that lap animals be included in that ruling.”

“David, I understand that to mean both your cats and your smaller dogs.”

“That’s right, Gary:  your chihuahuas, your dachshunds, your corgis.”

“Another slippery slope toward Communism, David.”

“And here come the refs, Gary.  This is it, the first bell in the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Event.”

Ding!

35 comments:

joeh said...

There had better be a part two...I am in complete suspence!

Shelly said...

What about things between the bum and the cushion, like remotes, cell phones, and perhaps even the odd, misplaced lap animal or two? Do they count? Because that could make a big difference in the standings.

Pearl said...

joeh, I've trapped myself, haven't I? The blog as an exercise in writing, I think I may be moving toward weekly serials...

Shelly, we're looking at how long between completely encased in textiles and the ice-cold leap into bed. :-) It's like an Olympic event up in here!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Gotta allow for lap animals. They're accessories and a vital source of heat.

Pearl said...

Green Girl, I can see it both ways.

Buttons said...

Part two yup waiting:) B

Geo. said...

Hilarious! Did you invent this sport or is it already scheduled for the Winter Olympics?

Bodaciousboomer said...

I'm pretty sure I actually saw that event once on Swedish TV.

Indigo Roth said...

Excuse my harsh language but GOSHDARN this was funny, Pearl!

Susan Williams said...

I consider this post to be a tease.

Yes, in the truest sense of the word, this post is, indeed, a STRIP TEASE.

You little vixen.

vanilla said...

Should include ALL dogs no bigger than a small horse.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

What about that bowl of hot buttered popcorn clutched to your chest? Doesn't that count too? Wouldn't it be more of a challenge to start from zero and put the clothes on? Is this event held indoors or outdoors? I think you'd get some record breaking times if it was outdoors and putting the clothing/clothing substitutes ON.

Pearl said...

Buttons, shall have to write about the Peterson rivalry...

Bodacious, oh, how I wish I'd said that!

Indigo, there's nothing funny about a linoleum floor in winter, I assure you!

Susan, we get sauce up here once the temperatures dip a bit. :-)

vanilla, there's always that one in the crowd, vanilla, and this time it's you. :-)

Delores, these are indoor, clothes-off-to-bed-leap timings, a tricky thing honed from young adulthood to, oh, death, I suppose. For this event we assume a "no pajamas" theme -- which is so much warmer anyway, even when single -- and that all participants are sober.

Inspector Clouseau said...

"Communism" is the operative word. :)

Suldog said...

I love the way your mind works. Seriously.

Well, no, I mean NOT seriously. Your mind is unserious about seriousness. I think. Or I'm not thinking. Something like that.

In any case, this is funny. That's what I was trying to say. And now that I've said it, I'll shut up.

You're welcome.

jenny_o said...

What, no pajamas? (re assumptions as given in the comments above)

You're aware that not wearing pj's to bed means you're just getting warmed up when the alarm goes off to get up, right?

Unless you're wearing wool socks. Then it's okay.

And yes, please, the Peterson rivalry sounds worthy of at least a post or two.

Joanne Noragon said...

I saw that big wedge of cold air up there by you, heading our way, and completely understand the full robe person. I think the full disrobe concerns how little one can take off and survive.

fishducky said...

I can't wait to see where you placed in this event!!

Linda Myers said...

What's the prize for the winner?

Pearl said...

Inspector Clouseau, I'm so glad you liked that part. I laughed when I wrote it.

Suldog, I'm feeling particularly silly lately. :-)

jenny-o, no pajamas! We've gone Inuit up in here.

Joanne, Fairbanks has temperatures all week ranging from 20 to 40 below zero. That's the kind of crap that normally sweeps through Canada and lands on our porches.
I'm against it.

fishducky, neither can I!!

Linda, the winner gets a down comforter and a naked man, both essential to a long winter's night. :-)

Eva Gallant said...

That was priceless, whether there's a follow up post or not! Although the Peterson rivalry sounds interesting...
And what about long johns? Does no one wear long johns anymore?

Pearl said...

Eva, I don't have long johns myself -- I think the leggings have kind of taken their place.

There is always wearing two pairs of corduroys to consider. :-)

Leenie said...

Sometimes the way your mind works really scares me.

Pearl said...

Leenie, don't be scared. Here: come sit next to me. :-)

Gigi said...

I'll come sit next to you (both for the warmth and the humor!).....but let's do it down South a bit - I don't think these delicate, brittle Southern bones could withstand the weather up that way.

savannah said...

sweet mary sunshine, sugar! it's 62 here and i have on socks and slippers and a long wool shirt (underwear, of course) a shirt and a sweater on and i'm inside and the heater is on and the fireplace lit! *brain freeing now just thinking about cold* xoxoxox

HermanTurnip said...

Is it a violation of the rules to duct tape hairless cats to your privates, or would that be considered part of the bonus round?

Rose L said...

:^)

i enjoy your blog...

Austan said...

LOL!!!

Lo said...

Oh, Pearl, I loved this one. Can we make it into a weekly serial, please?

Love, Lo

George Turnbull said...

Dammit,Pearl!

I expected pictures!

The Elephant's Child said...

I put small heat bearing animals on the bed to warm it for me. This works a treat except that they resent being moved as I attempt to slide my feet between the sheets - which would further increase my times I suppose. What an interesting concept this is. I love it. Thank you.

River said...

Is the contest who can disrobe the fastest or who can disrobe the most layers? Fun times you people have in your winter.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Yes, we here on the Ohio team feel that pillows, couch cushions and stuffed animals are, to anyone sitting on a couch for more than 30 minutes, considered clothing.
And that goes for your little cats, too.
;)

Diane Tolley said...

Ahem. And now we have some seerious contenders from the truly frozen north. Where people have been know to freeze solid in mid leap. And where the only acceptable accessories are Old English Sheepdogs. Clumsy but warm . . .