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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Round Two of the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Event, or Goosebumps Are Your Friends, in an Objective Sort of Way


Ding!

“That’s the two-minute bell, and welcome back to the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Event. My name is David Weekly –“

“—and I’m Greg Dowdy.  Thanks for joining us.  Next up in the mid-winter bed-time strip-and-leap competition, Lori Schmidtke and Tammy Schneider.”

“Greg, we spoke with the dark horse in this event, Tammy Schneider, in an interview taped earlier today.  Let’s cut to that.”

“I’ve been taking my own clothes off for years, David.  Winning the Upper Midwest Full Disrobe has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl.”

“Tammy, describe for us tonight’s approach.”

“Well, I don’t like to give too much away, but I like to think I have harnessed the spirit of the bathroom tile in my performance.  The key is in the feet:  I let myself become one with the tile.  When we absorb the utter stillness and chill of the porcelain, we free our inner Inuit.  Counter-intuitively, the only proper response to the bitter cold of winter is nakedness.”

“And there you have it: A disturbing interview with a disturbed woman.”

“I hate to break in here, David, but there’s the bell for Round Two, and we’ve got Tammy Schneider and Lori Schmidtke tearing free of their corners.”

“True to the promise of that taped interview, Tammy has seemingly torn her pants, leggings, socks and slippers off in one surprisingly fluid movement.”

“Little gal, ain’t she?”

“That she is, David, that she is.  Meanwhile, it seems Lori is having a bit of trouble with the last leg of her flannels and – is that a pirouette, David?”

“Greg, it’s rare that we see graceful dance moves in this competition –“

“—and we still haven’t, David.  Lori’s losing valuable time and gaining unsightly goosebumps hopping when she should be getting out of those clothes and under those flannel sheets.”

“Greg, the point is moot because Tammy is a full-on tornado.  The cardigan, long-sleeved tee, the camisole and the bra seem to have come off at once, and there she goes, a pale freckled blur!  She's between the sheets and covered to the chin!”

“David, I haven’t seen a leap like that since that National Geographic special.”

“Agreed, Greg.”

“And that’s it for Round Two.  Join us tomorrow when Amy Peterson takes on Tammy Schneider for the 2012 Upper Midwest Full Disrobe Championship.”

“Two rounds for a Championship, Greg?”

“David, there just aren’t that many sober women willing to demonstrate their full-dress-to-between-the-sheets-winter-undressing techniques.”

“No, there aren’t, Greg.  No, there aren’t.”  

26 comments:

Shelly said...

My money's on Tammy.

I can't, though, wrap my little warm blooded brain how becoming naked in the cold can make you warmer. Brrrrr...

haphazardlife said...

Winter... The days before central heating must've been horrendous.

*shudder*

vanilla said...

Go, Tammy!

savannah said...

*hilarious* xoxoxoxox

Pearl said...

savannah, thank you. :-)

Pearl said...

vanilla, I got a good feeling about Tammy...

Indigo Roth said...

I'm still sulking that you don't have photos in your blog entries. Give the people what they want, Pearl!

Pearl said...

Indigo, I shoulda knowed it'd be you... :-)

Indigo Roth said...

I think we should all celebrate the female form. I know I do. And mum was wrong; I never did.

Leenie said...

Hey, I wanna know if the bed has been pre-heated, like at my house, by a warm spouse or, as in my childhood, by a stack of siblings and a cat or two. Such incentives would certainly add motivation to the contenders.

As for,"disturbed woman;" Pearl, it takes one to know one. But we love you as you are.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

I'm betting on Tammy unless her opponent cheats or she gets distracted or.... anyway....I'm betting on Tammy.

Pearl said...

IR, don't backtalk your mother. :-)

Leenie, in a perfect world, the bed would be pre-warmed. I personally load baked potatoes at the foot of mine. :-) In a competition, however, it's every frozen man (or woman) for himself.

Delores, I'm thinking so, too. I can't wait to see how it turns out!

Eva Gallant said...

Priceless stuff!

Douglas said...

I have dated girls like Tammy... [sigh]

bill lisleman said...

in a world where nekkid women leap into bed and bloggers report, one woman and one cat philosophize over gin and tonic.
Sorry I still have my post in my head.

fishducky said...

My God, YOU'RE FUNNY!!

Ms Sparrow said...

When we moved back to Minnesota from California when I was 5, we four kids had to sleep in an unheated upstairs bedroom. Getting undressed under the flannel sheets would have been a very wise thing to do. My little brother wound up in the hospital with double pneumonia.

Geo. said...

Pearl, I haven't commented on this series because every time I start a new installment I find myself in mid-air, flying naked into bed, which is hard on a man my age, and confusing. You have a fine sense of humor and I appreciate it.

jenny_o said...

Whoa, that Tammy is DEEP!

Yep, my money's on her. Not real money, just bottle caps, but still.

HermanTurnip said...

I once did a pirouette when I fell in the shower. It's funny how unforgiving reinforced glass is.

Gigi said...

I'm thinking Tammy has this one all sewed up!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Are they sure Tammy didn't cheat?

I saw Lori compete last year and her performance was flawless.

River said...

That Tammy may be a cousin to Speedy Gonzales, yes?

The Elephant's Child said...

Are we all betting on Tammy as the underdog? It seems to me she lost that status with her conclusive victory this round.

Linda O'Connell said...

I'm thinking icilces where they don't belong. Minnesota games, hmmm.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

And the winner gets an electric blanket. I