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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Mary Was a Loving and Tasty Friend


The following events took place last February. The names have not been changed as no one I know is innocent.

The house seems cooler than usual. Then again, it is a rather smallish house shrouded in a rather large-ish winter.

Within minutes, the temperature in the living room has plummeted.  We have put our coats on and are now trying to get the dog to sit nearer, purely for warmth.

T-Bone, Black Lab of Great Sincerity, is only happy to oblige.

“What’s going on here?” Mary stands up and wanders over to the thermostat, which she eyes suspiciously. She taps its cover with an index finger.

“Good job there, Fuzzy,” Jon says.  "That oughta help."

“Shaddap,” she says, good-naturedly. “Is it me or is it cold in here?”

Mary sits down next to me on the couch, tries to pull the dog closer. “Get yer own dog,” I mock-hiss.

“Pfffft,” she says. She pulls her coat tighter. “But seriously, Jon. It’s cold in here and getting colder.” She stands up, stares out the window at the snow drifts that have covered their sidewalk, their mail box. A thought occurs to her, one in which she indulges fully.

“Holy Hannah,” she shouts, turning around, “Do you think our furnace has gone out? We can’t afford that! What’s going on here? Where are we? What year is it? WHO’S GOT THE SIGNAL FLARES?!” Mary, cracking herself up, collapses on the dog, laughing. “We’re prolly gonna freeze to death, T-Bone,” she mutters into his ear.

Jon looks at me, winks. “The furnace didn’t go out, you hysterical female you.”

“Jon,” I say, “If we’re all gonna die anyway, what do you say we kill Mary and eat her for dinner? Would that be wrong?”

Jon stares a hole through me, possibly giving it real thought. You can never tell with him. He just may be weighing whether or not I’m serious.

Mary looks me straight in the eye, a mysterious smile playing on her lips. “There’s onions in the fridge, but we’re out of taties.”

“Out of taties!” I shout, scandalized. I pause, consider our menu options. “Any corn starch?”

“Flour,” she says. “Oh, and I haven’t exercised in months, so I’m thinking you’ll want to avoid the rump.”

There is a WHUMP sound as the furnace kicks on.

Mary, Jon, and I exchange looks as T-Bone’s tail thumps.

Standing up and shaking his head, Jon heads toward the basement.

“And that’s enough of that,” he says.

26 comments:

vanilla said...

Oh, my.

TexWisGirl said...

yikes! tough crowd!

Laraine Eddington said...

You have all been invited to Survivor - Antartica.

jenny_o said...

Wouldn't the rump be more tender without all that exercise anyway?

Or was Mary - bless her heart - worried about your cholesterol?

The questions ... the questions :)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Nice to have friends willing to consider being dinner.

Rene Foran said...

All's well that ends well...get it?
WHOMP
( sound of frying pan hitting my head)
Why I oughta....

Leenie said...

Serious laughing here. (Is that mixed metaphores or something?) Wishing I had a big warm lab to cuddle. Wondering if you need to take out the comma---"Let's eat, Mary."

sage said...

If we are ever on a cruise ship together and it sinks, you're not getting in my life boat!:)

David Macaulay said...

umm err - you guys know how to have fun up north..

River said...

As long as there is gravy...

fishducky said...

I once invited a friend for dinner & she refused to come--maybe I phrased it wrong??

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

A few friendly appetizers might have helped. ":)

The Elephant's Child said...

You can't have a roast (anything) without potatoes. It is a crime against the culinary arts.

Inspector Clouseau said...

Cannibals of a bone gnaw together.

Linda O'Connell said...

You silly girl! Always making me chuckle.

Amanda said...

What's wrong with a little cannabilism humor amongst family and friends? You only eat the ones you really love! :)

chlost said...

This conversation was probably before the news story about the chef who cooked his wife's body in the crock pot. True. I am assuming it was not Jon, bless his heart.

Tempo said...

Beautiful written Pearl, had me laughing right from the start...you should write a book!

Rose L said...

Oh good, no cannibalism will happen.

esbboston said...

Fascinating: -ump words are fairly rarely used, yet you managed to have three aragraphs (that was s'pposed to be Paragraph, but after trying & failing twice, I gave up) in a row with rump, whump and thump. I congratulate your poetic Seussian inner child with a virtual lollipop.

Geo. said...

In California we have a lot of live-food enthusiasts. I'm always relieved to hear they're vegetarians.

Crack You Whip said...

In the end, even poor T-Bone was happy.

Pat said...

Could one ever? People have.

Eva Gallant said...

T-bone was probably relieved that he wasn't about to become dinner!

Daisy said...

It's chilly in here this evening, but as I was reading this, my furnace thumped on! Good thing, I don't have anyone to eat.

Murr Brewster said...

He may have been weighing whether or not you're gristly.