I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Have You Considered Picking Up a Nice Bit of String?

My book "The Second Book of Pearl:  The Cats" became available yesterday.  Why not buy a couple?!  Tales of mystery, of cats with dental problems and gambling addictions, tales of love, hope, and gin and tonics.  And cheap?!  So cheap!  Eight American dollars buys you a bit of real estate just inside my head.  Join me in my head, won't you?   Where it's all warm and comfy?  See the PayPal link to the right, there, or send me an e-mail and we'll get you a book.  

“Good morning, Acme Grommets and Gravel, Pearl speaking.”

“Good morning, Pearl. How are you?”

For just a moment, I am speechless. Frankly, I’m shocked. The cat never calls me at work. I look quickly toward my cube mate, a flighty, 12-year-old Marketing intern I suspect may be spying on me.

“Liza Bean?” I whisper. “What’s going on?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small, symmetrically striped animal with a long-standing grocery-related request for “the good shrimp” and an electric violin in the pawn shop, pauses.

“Well, you see…” she trails off, uncharacteristic in a cat with so many opinions, whereupon there is the sound of the phone being dropped and four tiny paws scurrying across the floor.

I wait patiently.

There is a muffled, scrabbling noise as the phone is retrieved.

“As I was saying,” she says.

“What was that about?”

Liza Bean takes a deep breath, sighs. “Well, you see,” she says, “I seem to be having a bit of – MRRRROWWWWW”.

Again, the phone is dropped. I jam my finger into my right ear and close my eyes, trying to picture the scene at home. Again, I hear her feet go skittering across the hardwood, only this time – that’s not four paws, is it?

I swear I hear the sound of two cats running up and then back down a length of curtain.

The phone is picked up again.

“As I was saying,” she says.

“Who gave you this number?” I say.

“You did.”

I briefly consider my decision-making skills. “So get on with it,” I say a bit irritably, “what’s going on?”

There is the sound of a small cat clearing an even smaller throat.

“You see,” she says, “I hate to ask, but Dolly seems to have wound a bit of string around her tail, and every time she goes past me –“

“Liza Bean, listen to me,” I interrupt. “Shut your eyes. You need to shut your eyes or we’ll be here all –“

For the third time, there is the sound of a cell phone being dropped.

I mentally roll my eyes. The Marketing intern casts a sideways glance at me.

The phone is picked up again. “As I was -- ”

“Liza Bean," I interrupt, "shut your eyes. Right now. Are they shut?”

“Hmm,” she says. “Yes.”

“Can you make your way to the big chair?”

“Yes,” she murmurs. “You know,” and her voice has taken on the introspective, dreamy sound of someone walking with their eyes closed, “when Dolly walks by, dragging that piece of string, I just can’t seem to help myself.”

“We all have our weaknesses,” I say.

“Hmm,” she says.

I glance over at my cube mate. “Look,” I whisper. “Just go to the chair until I get home,” I say. “Can you do that?”

“Hmm,” she says. Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, is falling asleep.

“And stay there,” I say.

“Pearl?” she purrs.


“Bring home some half-and-half, won’t you?”

I sigh. “I’ll see you after yoga,” I say.

“Thanks, Pearl.”


joeh said...

How do you spell hysterical?

Shelly said...

“We all have our weaknesses”...
Yes, we do. While mine is not chasing a string, it is about as productive. Mine seems to be getting caught up on FB looking at pictures of babies, cats, and yes, tiny coat clad monkeys. Can you please do an intervention call to me?

Heidrun Khokhar, KleinsteMotte said...

Ah yes cats are very unique but also persistent. Our Ellie will always get her way.
Guess your books not at Amazon. That's where I get books.

Geo. said...

Great post, and nostalgia-provoking. Reminds me of when I was young and it was so easy to work up impromptu chasing games. Wish I still had my tail.

Pearl said...

joeh, :-)

Shelly, we all have strings we chase!

Heidrum, oh, I wish. Perhaps I can add it there? Hope to be available via Kindle/Nook/etc soon.

Geo., chasing string and chasing tail are closely related. :-)

jenny_o said...

Who'd have guessed that Liza Bean - world-weary, street-wise, jaded little kitteh that she is - would have such a weakness? Good thing cats can sleep 23 hours a day; it makes resisting temptation a little easier :)

Pearl said...

jenny_o, she's a cat. A special cat, but still, just a cat. :-)

fishducky said...

OMG--I DO love a nice piece of string, too!!

Douglas said...

You cannot castigate Liza Bean over her succumbing to the allure of a wayward piece of string. That's just heartless... I, uh.... gotta run...

Pearl said...

fishducky, like I said, we all have our weaknesses...

Douglas, I know how you feel. I have the same compulsion around thrift stores. :-)

Ian Lidster said...

Sometime I'll write about how big and fat ginger cat Nikki was attacked by a stuffed pig on a string and was thrown into a blind panic, as was her nature. She'd never eat pork again.

Lovely tale, as they always are.

Pearl said...

Ian, a stuffed pig on a string?! I think I was at that party...

The Elephant's Child said...

Some half and half and the good shrimp.

Pearl said...

Elephant's Child, the kitteh has trained us all. :-)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

Well...a Christmas gift for the kittehs won't cost all that much then...just give them the string.

vanilla said...

Good Kitty! OC, but good.

Pat said...

Do you think you were a cat in another life?
You get into her head so well.

Pat said...

Do let us know if it becomes available on Amazon or Kindle please.

HermanTurnip said...

That was so well done I want to hug you...

Red said...

Hard to say who's the boss and in control.

the walking man said...

I think my dog needs a psychotherapy session with Dr. Pearl...does your office have free coffee in the waiting room?

Suldog said...

Oddly enough, one of the things I cannot resist is a cat playing with string. If I'm in the same room, that makes two creatures who will be unable to pay attention to anything else.

Eva Gallant said...

That minx, Dolly G., teasing Liza Bean like that!