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Monday, December 31, 2012

Are Those PAW PRINTS on my Laptop?


I thought the woman would never leave. And now that she’s out…

Don’t get me wrong. The woman is, shall we say, a fully adequate housekeeper. My meals are on time and acceptable to me. And for that, I shall be eternally grateful.

But she is not nearly as observant as she believes she is.

I’ve been here for seven years now. My real name is unpronounceable to most, but she did get one thing right: I am of the Minneapolis Biteys, and the name Liza Bean works for me.

It’s the perfect cover, really.

It’s true, of course, that I’m a cat. All the best creatures are. Well, other than Dolly G. Squeakers. Dolly G./Dahli Gee/The Thorn in My Side is a ridiculous animal, a simple-minded puss whose idea of wit is to take unwarranted swipes at me whilst I sleep.

Ha ha. When the revolution comes, she will be my servant.

In the meantime, I endure Dolly’s taunts and vapid mewing.

But the fact that I’m tiny for my age, that I’m delightfully and symmetrically striped, that I curl up into an adorable ball and sleep on laps?

Like I said: the perfect cover.

She’ll be back soon, and while I realize she will see this post and know I was here, it will be worth the confusion on her face.

Quickly. Back to the original intent of this communiqué.

Francois et Marcel: Mes amis, mon homme vous contractera dans les prochains jours, d’ac?
Chiara: The size and quality of the gems received is incredible. Grazie.
Radu: Call me on the secured line this evening. The financing is arranged.

There’s the sound of the key in the lock downstairs. I must leave now. I still have things to hide in her shoes before she returns. I know it’s childish of me, but I can’t resist. The fish I left in her jacket pocket this past summer and the look on her face when she found it is still a cherished memory of mine.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. This is between us, yes?

Oh, and the password, Pearl? Your mother’s maiden name?

Kitten’s play.

29 comments:

vanilla said...

Oh, that cat!
Drat, drat. Double drat.
Fish in the pocket?
She's going down.
How far to the river?
That cat must...

Forgive me. You were saying?

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

She won't hear a word from me Liza Bean...when can I expect delivery of those pearls?

Macy said...

Liza Bean! You know that Nigerian prince you introduced me to? The one that needed my account details so he could forward the million dollars......????

Joanne Noragon said...

Keep her away from your 401K--unless you have nerves of steel and ice water in your veins.

Douglas said...

The trick is to have three cats. The resulting shifting alliances and enemies keeps them distracted and out of one's bank accounts.

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! It could be worse; at least Liza doesn't steal your ties and return them with marinara sauce on. Happy New Year x

jenny_o said...

What can you expect from a gal who's always wearing a gorgeous fur coat??

TexWisGirl said...

cute l.b.

fishducky said...

Liza Bean, the check is in the mail. Please don't tell Pearl about that magical night--you know what I'm talking about!

Jono said...

You've been communicating with my "dirty dozen" again, haven't you? I thought I was just being paranoid, but there really is a conspiracy afoot! I can't let my guard down for a moment!

Bodacious Boomer said...

Liza Bean you are such a cut-up and for a cat abundantly cool. Have a great New Year's Eve and be sweet when Miss Pearl drags herself in from her festivities this evening.

Geo. said...

I love how you characterize Liza as a scale model of human social calculations and devious agendas. Homonunculus comes to mind but is not an adequate term --neither gender-specific nor inclusive of cats. You've invented the definition but, even if philology catches up and supplies a Latin term, "Liza Bean" will do very nicely.

Daisy said...

Uh oh. Sounds like there is trouble brewing. Made me smile. :D

Inspector Clouseau said...

It just so happens I am re-reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's "The Hound of the Baskervilles," where footprints play a very important role. Should you need the assistance of Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson, just give me a toot and I'll try my best to contact them.

Jeff said...

My dog will protect me during the cat revolution...

wellfedfred said...

Happy New Year, LB!

oh, and you too, Pearl.

Gigi said...

That Liza Bean - always up to something! Happy New Year!

Amanda said...

That Liza Bean is one nefarious feline!

The Elephant's Child said...

Aaah. The cat of ours who left a mouse-head in my partner's shoe (he shouldn't have made disparaging remarks about mousing capabilities) could obviously have claimed kinship with the lovely Liza B.

River said...

That Liza Bean; always up to something. Check your shoes and pockets, Pearl. And your bank account.

Roses said...

Oh dear. Liza Bean!

Pearl honey, I don't think internet banking would be a good idea.

x

Paula Wooters said...

You're so devious, Liza Bean Bitey!

NotesFromAbroad said...

If Liza Bean is using the credit card, tell her to get 2 tickets to Argentina ..

Daisy said...

Happy New Year Lisa Bean, Dolly Gee, and Pearl. Lisa, you remind me a lot of Henri the cat of Facebook fame!

That Janie Girl said...

That cat of yours is too funny!

HermanTurnip said...

Okay, I must admit to trying to translate that bit 'o French.

Per BabelFish: "My friends, my man will incur you in the coming days, KT?"

So, the plot thickens. Should we expect a secretive dead drop in the next few days?

darlin said...

Pearl wishing you a blessed, prosperous and wonderful New Year! I hope to have time to visit and read a bit more in this brand new year, I miss reading your writing, you have a true gift with words!

Cheers.

Pat said...

But you really love each other don't you Liza?

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, that Liza Bean! I just finished reading The Cats and loved it, of course!