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Thursday, November 8, 2012

Those of You Expecting Raises, Please Step to the Front -- Not So Fast, You!


Good morning, everyone; and welcome to Acme Grommet and Napkins State of the Quarter Address.  Thank you so much for calling and logging in. 

For those of you new to the organization, that’s me on your screen:  Randolph T. Freakly the Third, President and CEO. 

You know, one of the wonderful things about working in a global organization is the technology that we have at our disposal.  Why, at one time you would have received what we are about to discuss in a written format, something you could read at your leisure and refer to at later dates so as to fully understand what’s going on.  This is no longer true!  Nowadays, we ca- ost – eek – orp-ooh-ah-ah.

Information, synchronicity, leveraging our synergy, these are the byword that result in eep-ook-ock-ick-ick-in-eed.

Hold on.  We seem to be having connectivity issues…

That better? 

Better, right? 

Hearing me, after all, is the first step in understanding me, and we here at Acme Grommet and Napkins are firmly committed to being both heard and understood.

It’s been a rough year here at Acme.  The world-wide economy, the uncertainty around the elections and the time our Facebook comments took away from the work day, my brief stint as an extra on Three and a Half Men, all of these things have contributed to lower numbers than forecasted. 

We’re going to have to get creative, people.  We’re going to have to dig deep.

But don't you worry.  We have plans.

Big plans.

Bake sale.  I’m talkin’ brownies, bars, cakes – who knows, maybe even pies?  I’m just throwin’ it out there.  I’m thinkin’ a dollar a cookie, three-four bucks for a good-sized piece of pastry. 

And what about this?  What about we sell greeting cards?  We could go out in teams, go from house to house, knocking on doors.  Fresh air!  Exercise!  Really, it would be remiss of us not to encourage this, if only for the good it will do everyone’s waistline.

We’re just thinking of you.

But seriously, folks, it’s been a tough year.  And we here at Acme Grommets and Napkins want to thank you – not through remuneration, offers of paid time off or other tangible benefits, but through fond looks, e-mail chains laden with smiley faces, and continued medical insurance.

Thanks for joining the call, everyone.  Now let’s get out there and make it a fabulous day.

29 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

So..for now...one bright and shining truth....medical benefits will not be discontinued..for now. As with most corporate meetings, two hours of bs for a split second of truth.

Shelly said...

"Hold on. We seem to be having connectivity issues..." and therein lies the whole crux of the problems between management and those of us in the working grunts class.

Pearl said...

Delores, the benefits of medical insurance cannot be overstated, that's for sure.

Shelly, :-) absolutely.

savannah said...

thank you, sugar, for reminding me why i no longer work for corporate kingpins *oh yeah, i am laughing out loud on that one* and continue working crazy euro/deepestdarkestafrica time zone hours, but in my jammies, for the guy-who-thinks-he's-the-boss-of-me aka the MITM! ;~) xoxoxoxo

Pearl said...

savannah, I'm always surprised by the number of people who think they're the boss of ME! :-)

Vicus Scurra said...

I yearn for you tragically.

sage said...

If we all buy Pearl's book, maybe she can escape the corporate world! ;-)

Pearl said...

Vicus Scurra, you've just made my day. I shall now go home and wait for tomorrow -- nothing better can happen...

sage, :-) well there's a thought. The book on my subversive cats should be ready in plenty of time for Christmas. Or bird-cage lining. Either one.

Geo. said...

"orp-ooh-ah-ah" Amazing! This morning I achieved the same connectivity issue without technology. Delightful post!

jenny_o said...

Stooping to elementary school fundraiser ideas indeed; who do they think they are anyway?!

And yet, the chain letter emails ... where would you be without those babies?

:)

fishducky said...

I have the perfect solution for Mr. Freakley's problems--all Acme Grommets has to do is orp-ooh-ah-ah! Sorry, I seem to be having a minor technical problem. I'll try again: all they have to do is orp-ooh-ah-ah! I hope that's clear.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Hahahaha "email chains laden with smiley faces" hahahahaha!
:)
But seriously. Stop making fun of the emails I send to you.
;(
*Sa-wink!*

Eva Gallant said...

Holiday wrapping paper sells well at this time of year....

esbboston said...

In the end, my life in big corpor-rat Emir-ica was closer to stood and underheard. Almost four years of freedom now, a thousand daze.

David Macaulay said...

Too funny Pearl

"fond looks, e-mail chains laden with smiley faces, and continued medical insurance."

I think I have worked here - well apart from the medical insurance bit.

vanilla said...

And that is the glossy, shiny, polished version. If you don't peddle more cards and cupcakes, the truth will out.

Gigi said...

@Shelly said it! Connectivity issues.....we've had quite a few of those over here at Big Brother Inc. lately. *sigh* When will "they" wake up and realize who ACTUALLY keeps the corporate wheel rolling?

Joanne Noragon said...

Making it a fabulous day here. Beats the alternatives.

Al Penwasser said...

Acme? Aren't they the people who drop anvils on coyotes?

Daisy said...

Hey, maybe you could have a car wash? :-)

This sounds all too familiar, but I don't work at a big corporation. I work at a small town library. Thanks for the laugh, Pearl.

Stephen Hayes said...

I guess I should consider myself fortunate that I've never worked for a large corporation.

The Elephant's Child said...

Been there, done that, not going back. Ever. For anyone. And yes corporate speak is a truly ugly language that never means good things on the floor.

Roses said...

This is too familiar.

I'm running away in horror.

the walking man said...

Does the person who sells the most Christmas Cards at least get a $5 McDonald's gift card? Competition in the marketplace will make sales skyrocket.

Linda O'Connell said...

Every last drop they can squeeze out of you, been there.

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Wait a moment, to celebrate properly we must open this bottle of champagne too,.....POP!.....oh, there you go, here is your raise, pass this cork around and sniff it, no licking it now, and don't forget to cheer as Leonard P. Guzzly gulps the whole bottle himself and signs his own CEO bonus check for $12.5 million for the last quarter. Great job, people!

Raymond Alexander Kukkee said...

Wait a moment, to celebrate properly we must open this bottle of champagne too,.....POP!.....oh, there you go, here is your raise, pass this cork around and sniff it, no licking it now, and don't forget to cheer as Leonard P. Guzzly gulps the whole bottle himself and signs his own CEO bonus check for $12.5 million for the last quarter. Great job, people!

Stephanie Pounds said...

From a real Christmas dinner with the company: "Well, who would have thought I could get so much talent in one room for $5 an hour."

And I'm thinking, wait, someone's getting $5 an hour???

Saunar Buboy said...

every workers should have a raise.

PPLIC