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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The First 14 Days of the Atkins, with Foreword by Vincent Price


You know, when Pearl asked me to write a little something, I had to ask her if she realized that I’ve been dead for quite some time.  She laughed, of course, in that offhand way she has, and said she rarely found death to have any bearing on the quality of one’s writing.  That Pearl.  

So what does one say about a dietary endeavor?  If one is honest, or being promised a certain amount of money to be paid via PayPal within 24 hours of having produced a foreword, one says only this:  Pearl, once you’ve been properly stuffed with eggplants and cheeses, I’d like to have you over for dinner.  Yes?  Maybe rub a little garlic around the back of your neck? Massage a little lime into your scalp?

Mmmm.  Delightful.


Day One:  I have succeeded in setting off the fire alarm whilst searing a steak on the stove top.  Bonus calorie-burning points accrued during mad dish-towel-brandishing dash between the front door and the fire alarm.  Ate steak and a third of a cabbage and bacon casserole and was still hungry.  Several hours later discover another reason that sleeping alone is a good thing. 

Day Two:  Election Day.  I lay down a solid foundation of salad and chicken wings and then, apropos of the night’s tensions and totally against the diet's rules, have five glasses of wine. 

Day Three:  Hangovers without mashed potatoes and gravy are a cleaner, higher-pitched experience.  Eat a salad the size of my torso.

Day Four:  I feel thinner.

Day Five:  Right.  That’s three days of yoga, five days of salads.  I feel strong.  Punch me.  Seriously!  Punch me in the stomach.  Feel that?  Ya feel that? 

Day Six:  Day-long trip to the Mall of America fueled by a very large omelet – and two Bloody Marys.  Mmm.  By the end of the day, I fall face-first into a bowl of chips and salsa.  These things are not on the diet.

Day Seven:  I successfully fight off a bowl of oatmeal.  Go to the grocery store and buy several sacks of vegetables.  Put in fridge, reflect on the fact that there’s no food in the house.

Day Eight:  A half-bag of chocolate chips, in the freezer since June, taunt me from the other room.  Insolent bits.  “Come the day,” I whisper toward the kitchen, “you shall be devoured.”  And then I realize, this is what they want.  Bastardos!

Day Nine:  Eat a platter of vegetable stir-fry the size of a toddler.

Day Ten:  Have dinner with Willie at Old Country Buffet.  He eats three desserts inches from my face.  My nostrils flare and stay flared until the next day.

Day Eleven:  I’ve painted my nails.  They look delicious, like little candies.  I lick a couple of them on the early-morning bus commute, and a woman across the aisle pulls out a notebook and scribbles furiously.

Day Twelve:  Theory regarding vegetables making a lousy base for a night of drinking holds up.  Spend most of the day reflecting on this from the couch. The sausage and cheese platter I assemble cheers me.

Day Thirteen:  Do a sculpt/boot camp/yoga charity event from 10:00 to 1:00.  I celebrate my athleticism by falling, trembling, backwards into a chair where I consider staying until spring. 

Day Fourteen:  I think my pants are looser. 

I celebrate with a salad.

36 comments:

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

So now they are writing about you on the bus?
Never mind, your pants feel looser. Stay strong. You can reward yourself at Christmas by indulging in everything in sight. (Wait...stop....I did that almost 30 years ago and I've been eating and gaining weight ever since.....don't do it)
Why is it diet food makes you so gassy anyway?

Susan Williams said...

Dear God.
And all this BEFORE THANKSGIVING???
NO STUFFING????

Simply Suthern said...

Id punch you in the stomach but there is Bojangles Chicken grease on my fingers and I'm afraid I won't get my hand back.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

atta girl! embrace the greens! love the veggies!

Geo. said...

Delightful account of the discomforts of moderation, or the long-missing scenes from "Dr. Phibes". Definitely brightened my morning!

haphazardlife said...

In french the liquor board has an ad stating that "la modération a bien meilleur goût" (moderation tastes better).

Bovine doodie, I say. Moderation sucks both with booze and food.

bill lisleman said...

Day one - comment - I'm so happy that your blog has no sound or smell.

Pearl said...

Fear not, peoples: There will be Thanksgiving dinner, in all its waistband-stretching glory. :-)

And I don't know why vegetables make one so gassy. All I know is that when you live alone, it's not always a bad thing. :-)

Silliyak said...

My theory is the note scribbler is you from another dimension or via time portal....split personality...

Pearl said...

silliyak, well it's certainly something I would do... :-D

Bodacious Boomer said...

I am duly impressed. I tried Atkins about 10 yrs ago. After the 3rd day I tried to sell my soul for an orange; but there were no takers.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"Several hours later discover another reason that sleeping alone is a good thing."
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!
Oh, I heart you, Pearlie.

vanilla said...

As many diets as I have read (not practiced, mind you), I don't recall any in which alcohol is mentioned as a recommended component.

esbboston said...

I have neVer fought Oatmeal. Were there buLLets involved?

Pearl said...

There actually AREN'T any diets that include alcohol. :-)

And when one must fight, I suggest fighting oatmeal. I love it -- HUGE fan of all hot cereals -- but it has no real strength to speak of and you're going to come out the winner every time. Very good for the ego. :-)

fishducky said...

Poor hungry Pearl--want my other Snickers Bar??

Stephen Hayes said...

Your nostrils remained flared until the next day? Ouch! I experienced this once with Viagra, but it didn't affect my nostrils.

Craver Vii said...

Garlic and lime rubs? Candied toenails? Oh dear... what was in that salad?!

Buttons said...

Oh poor Pearl. You make me laugh. I hate those talking Chocolate Chip cookies your right munch munch:) B

Eva Gallant said...

Salads, salads! Yuck! It's so tough to be a sex symbol....so I've heard. Pass the chocolate!

jenny_o said...

"Day Fourteen: I think my pants are looser."

Can we have an Amen?!

And that woman on the bus? You should probably skulk away next time you see her. Next thing you know you'll be showing up on her blog or something :)

Linda O'Connell said...

Frozen chocolate chips? I'll be right over. good luck on your dieting. I've given up and bought bigger pants.

Susan Kane said...

You are a brave person to take on Atkins! ps: did you know that Vincent Price was a renowned gourmet chef?

Kana said...

I choose to blame you for making me laugh when I'm supposed to be working, instead of choosing to read your blog during lunch - I couldn't resist! You're at least as beguiling as the oatmeal that so tempted you (btw, seriously??).

New war cry: INSOLENT BITS!!!!

Mitchell is Moving said...

I have been writing about recently OD'ing on chocolate and yet, that bag of ice cold chocolate chips sounds SO good. I opened the top button. My pants are now looser, too.

Jacquelineand.... said...

And what, one wonders, does Liza Bean Bitey think of your vegetation-fueled noxious emissions?

NotesFromAbroad said...

I Laughed Out Loud.
Then I nodded and smiled in understanding and total chocolate chip buddy-ness.

I just went to the fridge to see how things look for dinner .. the following is true.. pinky swear.
A large bowl of polenta jumped out at me, forced me to add sun dried tomato oil and green olives to it then made me taste it ... several times. okay, I had a small bow full. .. it's good.


Joanne Noragon said...

This house was in the grip of Adkins about ten years ago. Fortunately it did not involve me, and I did learn to love some things that did turn up, like mashed cauliflower. That's YUM! It might even support an evening at the bar.

River said...

So what do you have for breakfast if you're shunning the oatmeal? I'm doing the steak and salad thing tonight, thanks for the reminder to turn on the range hood exhaust fan.

chlost said...

The next time the woman on the bus scribbles, stand up and proudly show her the large pants that you are wearing....Put THAT in her blog, eh?

Red said...

well I won't comment on your pants being looser but with a diet like that you may be a bit loonier. There's an awful lot of wild variety in those two weeks.

Gigi said...

The only thing I ever got out of the Atkins diet was the chocolate covered strawberries. I forget how far down that is on the program, but I promptly moved it to the top of the program.

HermanTurnip said...

...aaaand now we know why Atkins died of a heart attack ;-) Heh...

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

I can so relate, Pearl! I've been on just about every diet there is and Atkins was particularly tough. My best wishes that it will all be well worth your struggles!

Jono said...

An awesome description of Hell.

Diane Tolley said...

Who was it who said diet is just 'die' with a 't'? They were right. On another note, we're having waffles. My Husby says they are entirely made of vegetables. Yep. I don't believe him either. But you're invited.