What once ensured that I sat at a table next to the teacher is now posted, Monday through Friday.
I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!
My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.
My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Start as You Mean to Finish
Like so many other days, Monday starts full of promise.
The alarm, for instance, goes off in a convincing
fashion, redolent with assurances of timely buses and the congeniality of my
I practically spring from my bed, dance lightly across
the chilly floor, a picture of pre-dawn grace.
And muscle tone. Definitely muscle tone.
I congratulate myself on my cleverness in having laid out
my clothes the night before.
Early-morning Pearl is a somewhat handicapped individual, slow on the
uptake and prone to breathing through her mouth. Early-morning Pearl has a dull-eyed approach to corporate fashion. Luckily, Late-Night Pearl knows this and in
her foresight has today’s work costume all stacked up, from trousers to blouse
all the way down to socks and undies.
I stand back and nod, approving of myself in that manner
I like so much. I decide that I will enjoy reliving this moment later in the day and write a quick note, affixing it
to the fridge with my newly acquired T Rex magnet: Good
I’ll know what I’m talking about.
I navigate my way down the two flights of outdoor stairs,
stairs that have thoughtlessly grown icy overnight. Yoga bag, lunch bag, purse all bounce off my
back as I step into the darkened street, looking this way and then that. The street is mine, and I grin to myself in
“Monday morning was
the beginning of the rest of her life, and something in her knew this.”
The bus arrives on time, the line at Starbucks is
reasonable, and after almost two full weeks on the Adkins, I’m beginning to
suspect that my pants are just a wee bit looser than they used to be.
The sun rises. Facebook
confirms an evil ex-boyfriend’s fall from grace. News from my editor comes: The Second Book of Pearl is ready for a last
look before it goes to print.
I am one self-satisfied SOB.
I look up from my screen.
One of the guys from Facilities is standing at my desk.
“You havin’ a hard day?”
I frown at him, one of many indications that I am
confused. “What? No,” I say, shaking my head. “Why?”
“Your sweater,” he says, pointing. “It’s on inside out. Did you turn it inside out because of the stain?”
I look down. Not
only is my sweater on inside out, but there appears to be some sort of pureed
food item down the front of it. What is
that? Squash? Holy Hannah, when’s the last time I had
I pull the front of the sweater up, give it a quick sniff. Hmm.
Actually, sniffing the stain doesn’t help, but it doesn’t hurt, either, so I pull the sweater off,
turn it right-side out, and put it back on.