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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Start as You Mean to Finish


Like so many other days, Monday starts full of promise.

The alarm, for instance, goes off in a convincing fashion, redolent with assurances of timely buses and the congeniality of my fellow commuters.

I practically spring from my bed, dance lightly across the chilly floor, a picture of pre-dawn grace.

And muscle tone.  Definitely muscle tone.

I congratulate myself on my cleverness in having laid out my clothes the night before.  Early-morning Pearl is a somewhat handicapped individual, slow on the uptake and prone to breathing through her mouth.  Early-morning Pearl has a dull-eyed approach to corporate fashion.  Luckily, Late-Night Pearl knows this and in her foresight has today’s work costume all stacked up, from trousers to blouse all the way down to socks and undies.

I stand back and nod, approving of myself in that manner I like so much.  I decide that I will enjoy reliving this moment later in the day and write a quick note, affixing it to the fridge with my newly acquired T Rex magnet:  Good job, Pearl!

I’ll know what I’m talking about.

I navigate my way down the two flights of outdoor stairs, stairs that have thoughtlessly grown icy overnight.  Yoga bag, lunch bag, purse all bounce off my back as I step into the darkened street, looking this way and then that.  The street is mine, and I grin to myself in the darkness.

“Monday morning was the beginning of the rest of her life, and something in her knew this.”

The bus arrives on time, the line at Starbucks is reasonable, and after almost two full weeks on the Adkins, I’m beginning to suspect that my pants are just a wee bit looser than they used to be.

The sun rises.  Facebook confirms an evil ex-boyfriend’s fall from grace.  News from my editor comes:  The Second Book of Pearl is ready for a last look before it goes to print. 

I am one self-satisfied SOB.

“Hey.”

I look up from my screen.  One of the guys from Facilities is standing at my desk.

“You havin’ a hard day?”

I frown at him, one of many indications that I am confused.  “What?  No,” I say, shaking my head.  “Why?”

“Your sweater,” he says, pointing.  “It’s on inside out.  Did you turn it inside out because of the stain?”

I look down.  Not only is my sweater on inside out, but there appears to be some sort of pureed food item down the front of it.  What is that?  Squash?  Holy Hannah, when’s the last time I had squash?

I pull the front of the sweater up, give it a quick sniff.  Hmm.  Actually, sniffing the stain doesn’t help, but it doesn’t hurt, either, so I pull the sweater off, turn it right-side out, and put it back on.

No visible stain.

Some days are just better than others.


  
MAN but Monday was a good day.

44 comments:

Buttons said...

Don't you hate when that happens an d ruins a perfectly good day
Congrats on the book and the Atkins and no stain on the other side YEAH. B

Douglas said...

I just want to know how you got a stain on the inside of your sweater? It suggests (quite strongly, I'm afraid) that you wore it inside out once before and sloppily ate something... or, more likely, fed a small, seemingly helpless, human something pureed.... which he (or she, let's be fair) didn't much like.

Camille said...

Hokey Smokes Pearl - a second book? Congratulations!

Jono said...

I was hoping the last line would be, "and then I woke up."

Shelly said...

Sometimes our late night selves throw stuff in to keep our early morning selves humble.

Congrats on the book!

Pearl said...

I have no idea how that stain got there, but I suspect Douglas is right.

I hate when Douglas is right.

:-D

Thanks about the book. It's about the cats, and they're quite excited. :-)

joeh said...

Douglas nailed it, but that means that at least you are consistant..

And consistantly funny, I might add...Might? I just did!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

That's some crazy luck to turn it right side out and have it be clean!

Mandy_Fish said...

Definitely muscle tone. I was going to comment on it, in fact.

The inside-out sweater is a great metaphor for life. I feel like I've been wearing my sweater inside-out since I was a kid. Day late and a dollar short sorta thing. We should form a club.

Lee said...

Well, at least one side was clean! COngrats on the book!

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

A helpful office friend who points out inside out sweaters and stains is not to be sneezed at....
and I can't WAIT for that new book.

Pearl said...

Yeah, I'm pretty pleased with my laundry. :-)

fmcgmccllc said...

Still laughing

Pat said...

That made my day:)

fishducky said...

I WANT that book--I love your kitty stories!! How soon can I get it?

Suldog said...

Damn, woman, you write so tremendously well. Put me down for a copy of Book Two, for sure.

vanilla said...

Indeed a good day when the stain is inside the sweater... wait. Inside?

jenny_o said...

What a helpful co-worker! Give that man a slap on the back - not TOO hard, now!

Yes, it's a good day when even the wrong goes right.

Joanne Noragon said...

I am so excitd the inside was clean, but I suspect Monday would have been a good day irrespective.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Early morning Dawn occasionally wears her Harley Davidson sleeveless tee - under her cardigan - to the office. Just one way I can be secretly obnoxious... you know- stick it to The Man a little bit. ;)
Fight the Power!
(Congrats on your book, lady- you know I am your biggest fan. You are one badass author. With muscle tone. Definite muscle tone.)

Brian Miller said...

ha thank goodness the stain was on the inside...but errr....how did it get there? smiles...oy i have to prep the night before...it does not happen otherwise...

Amanda said...

Congrats on being so close to publishing your second book!

Jacquelineand.... said...

Oh my, a second book! I'm thrilled for you and can't wait for it to come out! Will it be ready in time for Xmas????

Congratulations on a terrific Monday as well; definitely muscle tone. Yup, I see it now.

Pearl said...

The book will be ready for Christmas, yes. :-) A dozen or so little stories of Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, and Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of The Humane Society Squeakers.

The kittehs are ridiculously excited, Dolly in particular, who plans to use her "cut" of the sales to expand on her collection of souvenir ashtrays.

Silly cat. There's no "cut"...

Eva Gallant said...

Don't you hate it when that happens? At lease the stain disappeared when you turned your sweater right side out!

sage said...

Another book, another stain, another evil ex-boyfriend bites the dust... All in your day! Thanks for bringing a smile into my too tense day.

Stephen Hayes said...

If your pants had a stain on them you could say you picked the sweater to match. A man wouldn't have a response to that because we don't know nothin' 'bout fashion.

Linda O'Connell said...

Sniffing the stain...you are too funny.

Craver Vii said...

Practically springing out of bed and dancing lightly across the floor. I can SO identify with that! ...in my DREAMS!!

Glen said...

That you have worn it inside out before and stained it just makes you me. Essentially you are me

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Pearl! Damn, but you look familiar. Have I been here before? Oh wait, you're the one with the STAIN! Yes, that makes sense now. Indigo x

Gigi said...

I, too, am extremely curious about how the stain ended up on the inside of your sweater. And here I thought these kinds of things only happened to me.

ALL KINDS OF EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW BOOK! AND, just in time for Christmas!! Congrats, my friend. Definitely put me down for one!

Marsha @Spots and Wrinkles said...

Funny stuff. Too true that when we are self-satisfied, we are most apt to self-humiliate.

At least, I often do. :)

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

Oh yea, some days are just like that:@)

Geo. said...

Squash stain inside your sweater was probably an ectoplasmic psychic manifestation. Unless you want to be seized and studied by parapsychologists, tell no one else about it.

Leenie said...

The Second Book of Pearl--woo hoo! Way to go. Wanting one to go next to my autographed copy of, "I Was Raised to be a Lert."

p.s. don't tell the T-Rex magnet. Let him continue to carry that positive affirmation. Mondays don't count when it comes to dressing yourself anyway.

HermanTurnip said...

Visions of Office Space are now dancing in my head...

PETER
Let me ask you something. When you come in on Mondays, and you're not
feeling too well, does anybody ever come up to you and say "sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays"?

LAWRENCE
No. No, man, shit, no, man. I believe you get your ass kicked for sayin' something like that, man.

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

The bus is on time, you have lost weight, your evil x's life has turned to dodo, and Your SECOND BOOK is going to be PUBLISHED. What a day, what a day! You should wear that stained sweater more often.

Daisy said...

I wish I could have a Monday like that. You make me laugh, Pearl. Thanks for the smiles I always find here. Congratulations on a second book too! :)

Jen said...

If only all of life's little annoyances were so easily remedied. Still one heck of a good day. Congrats on the book.

The Elephant's Child said...

MANY more things to be congratulated on than the opposite. And a stain which doesn't go all of the way through is hardly worth being called a stain.

jeanie said...

Excellent news on the book, and the Monday.

Comiserations on the colleague with no tact, diplomacy and the ability to burst bubbles.

Jimmy said...

Sniffing the stain isn't always the right thing to do, but sometimes we just cant help ourselves :)

Gotta Love Monday.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Some days, it really DOES pay to get out of bed. And a Monday, yet... lucky, lucky, lucky!