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Friday, November 30, 2012

Part Five and Finale: The Whole Thing’s on Fuzzwald; or, To Err is One Thing, To Forgive, Fe-Line

I push my fork into an asparagus spear and turn my somewhat blurry attention to Liza Bean. 

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, co-owner of the last two winners of the Kentucky Derby and volunteer fireman, contemplates the extended claw upon which rests the last deep-fried cheese curd.

“Thanksgiving was a full house.  And the turrabster,” she intones, “was, of course, wonderful.  The hamsters, especially, were a juicy and, if you don’t mind my saying, unpretentious bit of genius on my part.”


She smiles.  “A little invention of mine, with a nod to the turducken.  Hamsters stuffed into a rabbit stuffed into a turkey.”

I am lukewarm on the subject of rodents, roasted or otherwise, and carefully arrange my face to convey this sentiment.  “Yum.”

Liza Bean laughs.  “It was off-putting, you know, seeing Fuzzy.  The cat is incorrigible, of course.  One so often finds musicians – and drummers in particular! – difficult, but in the end, so clever, so handsome.”  She shrugs. 

I stare at her.  “Please tell me you made him beg.”

She holds her drink up, moves the glass so that the ice cubes swirl, clock-wise.  “When Fuzzwald and I broke up, I blamed him.  I ranted. I carried on.  How dare he be attracted to someone else?  Who did he think he was, anyway?”

I lean forward, peer at her intently.  “He stole $400 from you!”

The cat shrugs.  “I once lit his tail on fire.”

“He got drunk at the Christmas party and did the most inappropriate impression of Helen Keller I’ve ever seen.”

“I put a deceased goldfish in the hem of his good jacket.”

“He taped,” I counter, “your paws to the bar.”

The cat is dismissive.  “And I dropped his cell phone into a beer stein and then put it in the freezer.”

I bark gleefully.  “Ha!”  I sip at my gin and tonic and shake my head. 

She gazes past the bartender, through the expanse of glass doors that leads out to the tiki deck and from there to the Mississippi River.  The tip of her tail whips from side to side.

“He told me he’d made a mistake.”

She turns to me, emerald eyes sparkling.  “From the look on his face, one would think he’d never used the word before.”

Nikki appears at the booth with another round.  Liza Bean slips her a five every third round, and the server takes the bill with a big smile. 

I beam at the cat from across the table.  “Specifics, please.”

“Wellll,” she says, squeezing one lime after another into her fresh drink, “For starters, he said the beginning of the end came when he found out she didn’t know who was in The Beatles.”

I smile.  “Horrors.”

“He said she considers Red Bull a mixer.”

“A complete lack of couth.”

“The kicker, he told me, was the night that she told him that she hadn’t heard hide nor hair from someone.”

I laugh into my drink.  “So that’s it?  You feed Fuzzy turrabster, he tells you what a child What’s-Her-Lips was, that he made a mistake and all is forgiven?”

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, sets her drink on the table.  She reaches into her backpack and pulls out a black leather wallet from which she pulls several one-hundred bills. 

“Let’s just say,” she says, “that Fuzzy put his coat on my bed with all the other coats on Thanksgiving Day and I took it upon myself to emancipate a bit of his property.” 

She smiles at me from across the table.  “Dessert?”

In answer to a question yesterday:  A Brown Sugar Baby is a bacon-wrapped smoky (little smoky wiener) in a bourbon brown-sugar glaze.  :-)


Robbie Grey said...

Oh, those crazy kittehs...

Anonymous said...

Liza Bean rocks!!!!!!! By the way, the title of this section was absolutely fabulous...worth the wait all by itself.

Daisy said...

:-) I love Ms Lisa! That woman knows how to live! and love!

Anonymous said...

Liza Bean rocks. She is the epitome of purrfection.

Mandy_Fish said...

My daughter has a friend in preschool whose name is "Liza." This very morning I was thinking to myself, "Liza Bean Bitey," when I saw the little girl at school. Then I was like, "Which friend of mine has a cat named Liza Bean?" And I couldn't remember until just this moment when I started reading your blog.

Thanks for permanently invading my brain. I love Liza Bean!

Silliyak said...

You reminded me a of a drummer joke. What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

vanilla said...

Whew! What a relief. Vindication of the apparent blase and over-indulgent behavior of Miss Liza Bean Bitey of the Minneapolis Biteys toward Fuzzwald. We should have known it would all work out, that Cat.

Hannah Denski said...

hehehe, smart bean Liza has been! We so love her stories. Hx

Leenie said...

A Fe-Line friend like that makes the blog world so much better one Pearl Post at a time. I'm amazed how well you kept and shared those visuals considering how much gin and tonic flowed. Liza Bean does know how to keep a relationship interesting.

I want to know more about deep-fried cheese curds.

fishducky said...

If I were male instead of female, & a cat instead of a fishducky, I would DEFINITELY ask Ms. Liza Bean Bitey to marry me!! Actually, how would she feel about a mixed marriage? I am deeply in love--& rich!! I would keep her in gin & tonics & LOBSTER!!

jenny_o said...

Now THAT was a highly satisfactory ending! Go, Liza Bean :)

And I just love the visual of Liza Bean's backpack. hehe

bill lisleman said...

Smart sneaky cat - most of them are I suppose.
If you are answering questions - What would be an inappropriate impression of Helen Keller?

Douglas said...

I am so glad. I was worried that she was going to be yet another abused... what word should I use?... who forgives and takes her abuser back.

My world is right-side up again.

Friko said...

The further adventures of Liza Bean? Still to come, I hope.

Joanne Noragon said...

Ex-cel-lent! Purrfect ending.

Susan Kane said...

Please say that Liza Bean will emerge again soon!

Gigi said...

Oh Miz Liza! I KNEW she'd come out ahead at the end!

Pearl said...

Thanks, everyone.

And there will always be Liza Bean stories. :-)

Eva Gallant said...

I don't know about turrabster, though! It doesn't sound too appetizing to me. But the story was purrfectly delightful!

Geo. said...

I am glad to hear there will be more Liza dialogues. Cats here in California dash across the fields toward me, climb fences --my neighbor's old pussy squeezes under the gate!-- just to come close and ostentatiously ignore me. Slugs talk to me, even small dinosaurs, but cats? Very very rarely. I follow Liza's Beanisms with great interest.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Your Liza Bean stories absolutely rock!!! Love 'em all.

The Elephant's Child said...

Hooray for Liza Bean. I believe there is a little of Liza in every cat I have ever shared my life with. Thank you for telling their stories.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Liza. Queen of Revenge. Innovator of Meat Entrees.

River said...

"...took it upon myself to emancipate a bit of his property." I like that. Liza's a clever cat.
Thanks for the Brown Sugar Baby description.

savannah said...

sweet ending, sugar! you sure liza bean ain't from the south? ;~) xoxoxoxox