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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Let's Not Bicker and Argue Over Who Blistered Whom


Because ongoing information regarding my footwear is intriguing no matter who you are, I am compelled to update you on my new shoes.

The ones that only recently replaced Leftie and Stompie.

Ah. Leftie and Stompie. Now those were good shoes: up-and-coming shoes, forthright shoes, the kind of shoes that would trot you down a city street just as fast as you cared to go. Those shoes not only knew when to keep their mouths shut but had excellent credit scores and a good head for baseball stats.

Those shoes once saved a drowning child.

But the new ones? They’ve been bitterly disappointing.

The Traitors, as I’ve come to think of them, were comfy in the store. Lovely suede loafers. Best of all, they were an incredible 70% off the retail price.

Seventy percent off!

Who amongst us can resist a $14 pair of shoes?

I put them on, trod the carpeted aisles of the DSW. I pretended to run for the bus, held up an arm and yelled “Wait! Wait!” I pretended to sidestep a wad of gum on the street. I went one way, imagined I had forgotten something and quickly went the other way. I did a quick Charleston.

So far, so good.

But really, with shoes? How can you know?

You can’t; and The Traitors revealed themselves to be untrustworthy, blister-causing turncoats on their first wearing.

Oh, sure, they were my friends in the store, weren’t they? “Buy me! I go with everything! I’m 70% off!”

Foolish mortal.

They bit me, those shoes, again and again. Within blocks of my house, I was in trouble. By the time I had reached the bus stop, my heels were in tears. Why had I forsaken them?

The blisters formed. The left one tore open. Unflattering opinions were shouted, blame firmly placed on my skinflint shoulders. My feet declared me to be a menace to working soles everywhere and plans were drawn up by the left one to leave the lower legs and strike out on their own.

And so I’ve done what any normal person would do. I’ve dug Leftie and Stompie out of the garbage can (where they sat, patiently, in the box of the new ones).

They’ve been reinstated.

The Traitors have been contained in their original box and isolated, left to think about what they’ve done.

They’ll be going back to the store from whence they came.

And that brings us up-to-date regarding my footwear. Tune in again tomorrow when I relate a story about a jacket button that needs replacing.

*sigh*

I got a million of ‘em.

37 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Thank goodness I can resist $14 shoes. But then again I have some $140 work boots that can cripple a grown man in a day.

Geo. said...

Fault may lie with your convolutions during selection process. Those moves, ending with a Charleston, are very close to dances used to summon demons --some of which attack feet.

Camille said...

There's a special place in hell for Traitor shoes. I think it's right next door to the miserable and itchy shirt tag section. You know the ones...they're stitched to the collar so deviously that they can't be cut out or removed without leaving a gaping hole. Burn baby burn.

TexWisGirl said...

leftie and stompie were given another term. ;)

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

When I purchase shoes the salespersons think that I may be considering squatters rights. I sit I stand I walk repeat repeat repeat trying to catch those shoes in their treachery. Will they hurt? Will a seam lie waiting to descend and rub? Will my big toe grow a quarter inch and try to make a bid for freedom? So many questions....

Pearl said...

Simply, you can't put a price on comfortable feet!

Oh, Geo. :-) Do you have any idea how much I wish I'd said that first?!

Camille, the tags! I've donated perfectly reasonable shirts to the second-hand stores all because of insolent tags!

TexWis, :-) It could be no other way.

Pearl said...

Delores, you should be able to return the little buggers, but who's to know until they are truly worn?

Shelly said...

Leftie and Stompie's Excellent Adventure might be the beginnings of a great new screenplay...

GDad said...

The main reason my brown pants have been unworn for 2+ years is that my brown shoes are close relatives of your pair of Traitors.

Pearl said...

Shelly, I'm tellin' ya. These shoes have a certain je ne sais quoi, but I'm not sure what it is... :-)

Pearl said...

GDad, they hold us back, and yet we continue to house them. What is wrong with us?!

Bossy Betty said...

You know, you pay $14.00 for footwear, you expect quality. What's the world coming to? Oooooooo shoes that hurt are Baaaaaaaadddddddd. I have a pair that look SO nice--like they could be my best friends but then they did the same thing yours did! They should form a gang.

Craver Vii said...

Today must be the day to hear shoe stories. I found myself on the receiving end of a coworker's story about her new boots this morning. The glazed look in my eyes apparently didn't matter, since neither of us had our first cup of coffee yet. I changed the subject.

But YOU have a gift for turning anything into an amusing story. I read the whole thing, and only afterward, I realized that I got hit twice today with a shoe story.

I'm all about comfortable feet though. I'm one of those guys who wears socks with sandals and doesn't give a hoot what anyone says about it.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

The outward appearance can be SO deceiving. One must examine the heart and sole.

Jacquelineand.... said...

Keds.

fishducky said...

Just can't wait to read your button story--please don't keep me in suspense too long!!

Lynn said...

Yeah - we've all been there. Sighing with you.

Z said...

The most expensive pair of shoes I ever bought are only worn occasionally, if I'm going to be sitting down most of the time. They're fine for ten minutes, then give an agonising pain over the top of my foot with every step. They're so pretty, and so deceptive. Bastards.

Douglas said...

The absolutely most comfortable shoes I ever had cost me all of $5. I wore them for over a year. I wore them almost everywhere; I wore them to school, I wore them to work, I wore them to play, I wore them on dates and just hanging out. I often wore them without socks. They were soft, pliable, and easily slipped on loafers. I only had to resew the stitching twice in the 18 months I had them. I lost them somehow after enlisting in the Navy. I sent them home after arriving in Boot Camp and never saw them again.

And my feet have never forgiven me.

esbboston said...

This reads like a modern eXtremely short version of the Book of Job. So in your feminine case, 'Jobette'?

River said...

All shoe stores should have a section of pavement the length of the store, with the usual cracks, bumps and wads of gum so that we can truly test the shoes before buying. Carpet is useless when practising running for the bus.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Been there , sending sympathy.
I will refrain from describing last weeks wearing of the new shoes, way down here.
love , C ... the one wearing the gorgeous Chanel ballet flats that are half a size too big.

Stephanie Pounds said...

I hear you, Pearl. I was mother-of-the-groom this weekend and got to suffer two new pairs of shoes with competing sets of blisters. I'm pretty sure rehearsal dinner shoes won, but wedding shoes definitely gave them a run for their money. But both pairs sparkled in the store and I'm a sucker for sparkles.

Buttons said...

Oh did I hear Button story:)?
Anyways I was thinking 70% off would have been good but I guess not.You make me laugh. B

jenny_o said...

You are so delightfully nutty, Pearl :)

Daisy said...

Oh no! When my feet hurt from my shoes I can't think of anything else. Send those traitors packing! Thanks for making me smile, Pearl. :)

HermanTurnip said...

I dunno. I might be able to put up with blister-inducing shoes. It's the continually squeaking/creaking shoes that drive me insane.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

HA! Ain't that the truth? I sincerely believe shoes that are deeply discounted have a nefarious power to make us believe they are comfortable. Until we fork over our money and step outside the door, that is.

Haddock said...

70 % off?
Any lady would fall for that :-)

The Elephant's Child said...

I try not to buy shoes. And have the treacherous clan aquatting in my wardrobe to remind me.

the walking man said...

So your 70% off shoes are being given the boot? Pearl you have no sole.

Roses said...

My footwear makes gay men all over the world cry.

I wear boots, trainers and walking boots. Girl shoes only when I wear girl clothes, which is about twice a year.

My feet have made it perfectly plain, through the mediation services of their union rep, that they will not put up with being squashed into sexy shoes for more than twice a year.

The bastards roped in my back to keep me honest.

Suldog said...

I look forward to the other 999,999. You're an absolute gem.

Perpetua said...

Ouch, my feet are twinging in sympathy, Pearl.

I buy shoes only when the alternative is going barefoot. I could probably count the number of pairs of truly comfortable shoes I've had in my lifetime on the fingers of one hand. Sigh...

Al Penwasser said...

Were you inspired by 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' for this title?
"Let's not bicker about 'oo killed 'oo."

Jenny Woolf said...

I think you're being unfair on 'em. You asked if they could dance the Charleston and avoid gum, and they said yes. So you went and did something else. Now, you're complaining.

Inspector Clouseau said...

Yep, the 70% off was an early clue....