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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Part Three: Fuzzy Rears His Stripe-ed Head; or Hey! It’s Hard to Tell a Story in 400 Words or Less!

I sip carefully at my gin and tonic. 

Drinking with a cat is no small matter.  The last time I failed to take this into consideration I found myself singing karaoke at the Vegas in a pair of yoga pants and a bikini top.

I don’t own a bikini.

Liza Bean Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, a small tiger-ish puddy with a conceal-and-carry license, holds up a paw.  “What do you think?  I’m ready for another one if you are.”

Surprisingly, my drink appears to be gone.

Now how did that happen?

Nikki returns with the drinks and a bowl of peanuts from the bar.  “On the house,” she says.

Liza Bean presses a five into her hand.  "A server among servers,” the cat says.  She turns back to me, a lime already in paw.  “Now where was I?”

“You’ere unna – “ I start again.  “You were gunna …” I frown in concentration.

“Tsk, tsk,” the cat laughs.  “That low-carb diet leaves precious room for error, doesn’t it?”  She deftly squeezes two limes at once into her drink.  “One goes out, one partakes, of course.  No worries, old bean.”

Liza has been reading P.G. Wodehouse lately.

I blink, smiling, carefully envision the words before I say them.  “You were going to tell me about Fuzzy.”

Liza Bean licks a spot on her back as if to discover, suddenly, that it is dirty.  “Ahh.”  The subject of Fuzzwald T. Stripersson is a sore one with her.  Many inebriated nights were spent discussing him and his sudden defection from her to a much younger cat.  Their last night as a couple included a fight in which the tensile strength of a bottle of gin was tested against Fuzzy’s head and her drunken discovery, upon awakening, that her paws had been duct-taped to the bar at Jimmy’s – ostensibly to keep her from hurting herself should she fall off her stool.

The last time they saw each other – the night Squeak Toy played at the Casket Arts Building? – he bilked her out of a substantial amount of money.

Fuzzy:  He’s handsome, he’s charming, and he’s utterly unreliable.

“So what was the business opportunity?”

“What?”  The cat looks up as if from out of a dream. 

“You said there was mention of a business opportunity.”

“Oh, there’s nothing like that. That’s just something I like to say.”

I sigh.  “Just as well,” I say.  “That SOB owes you $400.”

The cat bends toward her drink.  Her tiny black lips curl around the straw.  “Hmmm,” she murmurs. 

Is there more?  Of course there is!  Tomorrow, baby!  Tomorrow!


Shelly said...

Can't wait- the suspense is making me look at our cats suspiciously. Are limes allowable on Atkins?

Pearl said...

Shelly, Yes: You should look at your cats askance. And "kind of": lemons and limes are far fewer carbs and vastly less sugar than other fruits.


I can justify just about anything.

Geo. said...

What is it about the bad-boys that girls find so appealing? My first steady in high school ditched me for a guy named Fuzzy.

Pearl said...

Geo, Fuzzy had a nicer car.

Mitchell is Moving said...

I'm loving this. Wish I had a friend like Liza Bean!

Pearl said...

Mitchell, sometimes we have a friend like Liza Bean -- and sometimes we ARE the friend like Liza Bean. :-)

Not that I would know too much about that.

Anonymous said...


Daisy said...

Wonder where this is going- will Fuzzwald return? a villian? a convert to niceness? Where will Pearl end up after a night of gin with Ms Liza Beam? Bean!

Kind of reminds me of the time a friend and I went out to celebrate our birthdays. I had my first (and only) martini. My face froze into a smile that lasted for hours in spite of the hot and spicey Indian food.

Daisy's Barbara

jenny_o said...

Watch out, Pearl ... that kitteh is up to no good!

Conceal-and-carry license - heh :)

Pat said...

Good! I need something to look forward to.

Pearl said...

Delores, cliffhanger? Or writing procrastination?!

Daisy, I'm a happy little drinker, too. As for the story, I won't know until tonight. Seriously. I have no idea where this is going.

jenny-o, a kitteh must defend herself. :-)

Pat, oh, honey, sometimes all it takes is the smallest thing...

vanilla said...

That Stripersson is a bad cad.

Douglas said...

I am enthralled. But, for me with you, that's a chronic condition.

Pearl said...

vanilla, a caddish cat. :-)

Douglas, how charming!

Eva Gallant said...

I always know it's going to be good!

Ian Lidster said...

400 bucks, damn, that's significant. Love your opening bit about the Karaoke. Someday I'll tell you about the karaoke in the bar at a hotel in Waikiki on my honeymoon for my 2nd marriage. Not one of my prouder moments.

Kana said...

Diets just make us more efficient and getting sloshed; I'm about a 2-shot human now. <1,300 calories per day!

Pearl said...

Eva, we thank you for your confidence. :-)

Ian, oh, I've got the feeling that you've got several good stories in you, not all of which contain references to karaoke. :-)

Kana, really, it's all about economics. :-)

Cloudia said...

sometimes I muse on your Biteys, and shudder!

'Only a fool drinks with a cat,' momma said

Happy Pearly Aloha Wishes!
from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral

~ > < } } ( ° >

> < 3 3 3 ( ' >

><}}(°> ~

Pearl said...

cloudia, I love that. :-) Muse away, my friend.

Buttons said...

You always make me laugh. Thanks. B

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

"I don’t own a bikini." <-I am still laughing. Pearl, you and Liza always make me laugh. Thank you for that and for your support.


klahanie said...


What can I say? Would you be surprised that I don't own a bikini. No, I rent mine which is kinda' gross.

Greetings from Leek, yes Leek!

Your adoring fan, Gary :)

Rose L said...

I have been enjoying your posts even tho I have not commented much lately. You see, my husband of 36 yrs. died Nov. 10th. Your posts do make me smile. Thank you.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I have a big fat mouse in my house at the moment and I'm thinking I should invite you cool cats over for a cocktail ;-)
xo jj

River said...

It's going to be tomorrow in 3 hours and 10 minutes, so I'll just sit here and wait, if that's alright with you.

Mr. Charleston said...

You can't hide the truth forever. Everybody knows Fuzzy was a bear.

Hannah Denski said...

Keeping us hanging!? Meh! Is she falling for him again?? Or did she kick his ass!? :) x

The Elephant's Child said...

I am more than confident that Liza Bean will have her revenge - served hot, cold and luke-warm. Bilking her out of money is one thing - but taping her paws to the bar shows disrespect and is a whole new kettle of fish...