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Monday, October 22, 2012

Mango-Diesel Shea Butter


This new laundry detergent is killing me. I smell like a soft drink.

Be truthful with me, now. Smell this. You smell that?

Do my clothes smell like grapes to you?

I’m telling you, this country’s obsession with smells has gone too far.

Don’t get me wrong. I have some lavender-geranium “hydrating lotion” – as opposed to that lousy dehydrating lotion I used to use – that I really enjoy. The smell alone makes me think that I might be getting a massage soon. But honestly, some of the combination of smells that the companies are coming up with!

Mandarin-Eucalyptus Salamander-Shea Butter? Ginger-Monkey-Butt French-Milled Dusting Powder?

Admit it. You may not know where to buy them, but you suspect that they’re available for sale somewhere, don’t you?

I enjoy fragrances. I do: Spring is lilacs and open-window breezes, Summer is line-dried sheets and mown grass, Fall is burning leaves and baked goods, Winter is pine boughs and the crisp “smell” of cold.

And when I speak of the “smell” of cold, those in northern climes know what I mean.

Those smells are precious to me because of what they represent, however; and the ability to spray “Woodland Pine” or some such silliness into my bathroom?

I’m not the only one who is confused.

“Hey, Mom,” The Boy said, wandering into the kitchen, “I think Paul Bunyan just took a !@#$ in our bathroom.”

I can see where he’d get that impression.

Still, what can one do? We vote for these things, as it were, with our spending habits.

And you heard it here first: I will no longer buy the Strawberry Saddle and Mulled Basil laundry detergent.

I’m putting my unscented foot down.

40 comments:

Shelly said...

And sometimes those smells can be truly noxious. At the locker room in the gym yesterday, someone on staff had sprayed pumpkin spice scent too heavily. That, layered over unwashed sweaty body smell plus stinking inner soles of running shoes is more than my delicate sensibilities could stand...

Susan Williams said...

I am in awe of your unscented feet.
Not many can truly say that.
Funny stuff, Pearl!

Leenie said...

Cold; isn't that: Soggywool Mouldymittens Menthol Woodsmoke?

I think you could patent Ginger-Monkey-Butt French-Milled Dusting Powder and sell it to truckers for their jock itch.

Mitchell is Moving said...

Have you ever heard of Play-Doh cologne? It's supposed to make you feel like you're back in kindergarten.

Some years ago, I read in a legitimate newspaper that Burger King had come out with Beef-Scented Body Spray!

But, best (worst?) of all: Vulva Original. I'm serious.

SherilinR said...

i remember that smell of cold from my childhood. it's been many moons since my nose has had the pleasure of inhaling it. i don't miss frozen nostril popsicles though.
the smells available in store are getting out of hand for sure. definitely heading into the stink zone.

mybabyjohn/Delores said...

My gran told me many years ago that a dab of vanilla behind the ears would drive a man mad. I've had better luck with the smell of frying onions. You wait til a man is good and hungry and then, fry some onions, he'll do anything for you.

Leenie said...

BabyJohnDelores is right.

Eva Gallant said...

I love scented candles; I have one that smells like lemons and it gives the house a clean smell.

Buttons said...

Is it weird that I just want to smell you? :) B

anna Sonata said...

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vanilla said...

We've used a certain very satisfactory anti-static thingie in the dryer for years. Somehow the Spouse got a "new and improved" and differently-scented one the other day, and my clothing now smells like the parlor in a bordello. Yikes!

Please People, look for the word "Unscented" on the products you slather on yourself or spray around the house;.

GDad said...

We've been a happily unscented household for many years. Son keeps trying to buck the trend, but we pull him back into the fold.

joeh said...

I like a blog post with a slight scent of "Pearl!"

Geo. said...

Mango-Diesel Shea Butter might be interesting. My favorites are lemons, baby heads and the inside of tire stores --not all together though. Fun post!

fishducky said...

As much as possible, I am "fishducky, the Unscented"!

Sextant said...

Pearl you said:

"I’m telling you, this country’s obsession with smells has gone too far."

I hate those commercials on TV where they have blindfolded people smelling carpets, other people, and God knows what else with these bizarre smiles on their faces. Good grief are people that nasally oriented?

When I smell Fabreze I instantly feel dirty, because rather than cleaning the rentacar and hotel industry sprays Fabreze to the tune of 55 gallon drums worth. I have seen filthy elevators that reeked with Fabreze. I have rented cars for business trips and had to ride with the windows open. It gagged with Fabreze. I don't mind filth if it smells like filth. Gussie it up, and it becomes gaggy smelling filth and the level of psychological cleanliness decreases by several orders of magnitude. Not just filth, but reeking filth!

Due to the fact that Charmin and Fabreze are both made by Proctor and Gamble, I can only assume that it will only be a matter of time before we will be subjected to those God awful bears advertising Charmin treated with Fabreze. There they will be with their blindfolds on snif....

Stephen Hayes said...

This post stinks, but in a good way.

Dr Zibbs said...

I hate the smell of mothballs. Just sayin'.

Austan said...

Yes, I love the smells of seasons. I especially love the smell of snow coming. I love the smells of lilacs and roses, apple pies and cinnamon, chocolate cake and vanilla sugar cookies. But not manufactured stinks. I have waged a war against the Army of Stinkers for 4 decades. Smells for your body parts, smells for your carpets, your couch, your bathroom, your pets, your car, plug-in scents, burning scents, melting scents, sprayed scents. Then sprays to remove all stinks and start over. Stop the madness!

Ms Sparrow said...

OMG--what Mitch said! I've often wondered about those who spend big bucks on fragrances and then apply them over scented shampoo-conditioner-hairspray, laundry detergent-fabric softener, body wash-soap-lotions, deodorant and cosmetics and then expect the perfume to smell anything like it did in the bottle!

Pearl said...

Oh, man, what a lovely break from this ridiculous day I'm having!

I have the same reaction to Febreze (what a stupid spelling...). All I can think of is, why don't you just clean it? Oh, Look! I don't have to take the garbage out, I can just spray it with Febreze?

We need to take a bucket of soapy water and a rag to most of our public spaces, people!!

Susan Kane said...

The Boy is very wise. I join you in unscented feet.

esbboston said...

I thought it was pretty wild when I saw a container of Snuggles fabric softener claiming to have Blue Iris & Bamboo Silk. It is part of thir Exhilarations line of fabric softener.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

You say "Ginger-Monkey-Butt" like it's a bad thing. . .

Linda O'Connell said...

Jelly bellies in every imaginable flavor and all these freal fragrances, making crazy people crazier. Drop by for a laugh later.

Elsie said...

Bacon is the one that I don't understand. Why is everyone so obsessed with eating everything flavored bacon and smelling bacon? Enough already!!

jenny_o said...

Another member of the Unscented Gang here.

Many smells not only smell bad to me, they give me a headache as well ...

Why do people believe that Febreeze and its other-brand counterparts actually remove odours? Because who'd know, with all that fragrance clogging up yer sinuses, eh?

A Well Styled Life said...

Smell overload is rampant in our products. Great post. Think they do it to coverup the true ugly smell of what we buy?

Gigi said...

My delicate sensibilities do not require all those smells. Give me something clean, maybe with a hint of vanilla, and I'm one happy camper.

It's gotten to the point where people are writing Dear Abby/Ann (whatever she/they are calling themselves these days) to figure out a polite way to tell co-workers to lighten up already.

Mr. Charleston said...

Oh but were it true that we vote with out spending habits. For most of my life I have discovered products that I liked and purchased only to have them "improved" right out of my vocabulary. Remember Ipana toothpaste?

Lin said...

I dread all of these new "fragrances" from our laundry detergent to candles to underarm deodorant. The descriptive names leave me wondering what they heck it smells like. Can we just go back to the simpler days?

Daisy said...

I go for the unscented stuff. Keeps me from itching or "breaking out" in a rash. And...I think I smell better!

chlost said...

The "fragrances" in products make me choke. But I love the smells that come naturally the smell of winter is a classic, as is the smell of sea water, the smell of rain on dry grass or pavement, and the smell of the leaves in the fall. No one can bottle those, so they should just give up and let's just clean the place up. A clean house has a smell all its own, especially when the windows are open to a wonderful breeze.

L-Kat said...

I have 32 bottles of Bath and Body works lotion. THIRTY-TWO!! I have a problem.

Rose L said...

Ginger-Monkey-Butt French-Milled Dusting Powder? If I were you I would avoid using that one!

The Elephant's Child said...

There are now some shops I am unable to go into because of their lavish use of such 'natural' odours. Sigh.

George Turnbull said...

I don't do stinky stuff!

Like most men I have a sweat'n'oil deodorant and a grease'n'fart body spray.

Girlie-nosegays?

No thanks!

Bossy Betty said...

If I stop using "Gust of Woodland Winds" on my clothes, won't I have to bathe more? I mean, isn't twice a month enough?

River said...

I like the clean fresh smell of soap, unscented; sunshiny line dried clothes and sheets, leaves in the mid to late autumn that smell like herbal teas. I don't like all the weird new combinations available now in fabric softeners and shampoos. It's got so bad that I avoid the laundry aisle unless absolutely necessary. To the point where I'll grocery shop, in bulk, online and get the stuff delivered. I do have a "vanilla" scented air freshener that smells like caramel and isn't at all over powering, which I will use now and again in the bathroom.

Roshni AaMom said...

omg!! Your boy is just so precious!!